Enter Elphess

Sing it Back

2006-12-20T13:26:00.000-05:00

Hello Hello!

News! It's good news too.

Since my last post, I have spoken with the store manager and guess what? I got promoted and a raise!!

I am now a full time Sales associate and I make over $10 an hour. It's sweet. I'm very excited.

Christmas is coming up fast too. The store has been insanely busy because of christmas shoppers. I predict it will either be retarded busy on Christmas Eve Day, or stupid slow. Not sure yet. I don't work again until Friday, so I'll go by how that turns out. I can't wait to work Boxing Day either because I'll be making time and a half. I know. It rocks.

Now, as promised, the pictures/ideas for the next tattoos I'd like to get:

This is a dragon picture I'd like across from my fairy. It would be facing the other way though, so that it looks at the fairy. I could get all into what the meanings of my tattoos are, but I don't think any one cares too much about that lol

This one I want to get at the base of my neck.
It works as the symbol for libra and the symbol of omega. It makes sense to me. :P If you don't like it, tough nuts!

Below the tattoo of libra I want the kanji for 'I balance' or just 'Balance'. My girlfriend Kate is supposed to be helping me out with that one since she's all about Japanese :P I'm not sure if this image is correct, but it's the only one I could find.

That's about it for now, tattoo wise. It's going to cost me, of course. I'm thinking about getting them done in Feb if I have the money for it.

Since Marty and I don't have a christmas tree, I went about decorating this chair we have. So now I've got a christmas chair! How many people can say that? In the picture here, you can see all the presents. None of them are mine. These are all the ones I got for Marty. The presents for my friends from work and for T'Nasha and Rob have to wait until I get paid next friday. Don't think I forgot about you guys! You'll get them in Jan when I see you.

And my friends, that is all for today! Ta-ta for now!

This is my story

2006-12-08T23:47:00.000-05:00

The beginning and the end all have me winding up in the same place.

There are things that need to be done, words that need to be said. Places that need to be seen and people that need to be forgotten.

It's the forgetting that's the hardest part. There are some that won't let you forget them no matter how hard you try to. And then, when you do forget them, you are forced to be reminded of them when you don't want to be. Some people are so much a part of you that it's difficult to remove yourself from them. From where they end and where you begin. From where you end and they begin.

Most often I run away. I've been running my whole life. I run and run but the path doesn't get any shorter and the goals are never reached. How long can I keep on running? How long can I do this for? The rest of my life?

How long can I go on doing what I think is expected of me and what I have been taught to do? When does the nurturing end? Who said that that was the way I was supposed to be? Perhaps I could have been some one great. But it's not like my life is over. I still have a lot of time left in me. I still have the capacity to become a great writer and have my novels published and appreciated.

I am still the poor graduate working a small time job in a small time place. I have zero dollars to my name and I am anxiously trying to find a way to make more money. There is a limit to where I can work and make the money I need to survive.

Could I do this on my own? If I wasn't with this boy and living in this house, where would I be now? Is this the place where I should rest, where I should stop running? I still feel as though I'm running away from him and from the pressures. Pressure? What pressure should there be? I'm just his girlfriend. We aren't married, we aren't engaged. We are dating and living together.

Have I ever lived out on my own?

Have I ever survived by what I created, found and earned? I've been relying on others for everything. My education, where I live, my car, the only thing I got on my own so far was my job and even that isn't enough. It's not enough to live on. It's not enough to survive on. But where else is there for me to look? I check the job bank every day. Every day. I apply to jobs that advertise more than what I make without my having to go far. I can't leave the city for work. Where would I live? I don't even have enough money or the resources for first and last months rent on any type of accomodation.

There is an idea floating in the air. The idea of my staying in Windsor with a friend of mine in the new year for a few months. Working part time at the H&M there if allowed and getting another part time job at a place that would enable me to make a lot of money. It's an idea only however and usually these ideas die before they have the chance to live.

This is me. Your average twenty three year old girl who has graduated with an English degree and lives with her boyfriend. She only likes to eat boring foods and could probably survive on rice and popcorn alone. Ah, don't forget the beans on toast.

Whoever thought finding yourself would take this long or be this hard? Or is it that I'm looking in all the wrong places? Or that I'm looking too hard? It could be just that I'm lazy. I'm oh so lazy.

Sorry I lied about the images of my newest tattoo ideas being posted this time. I decided to get all introspective.

Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean

2006-11-29T19:48:00.000-05:00

Discovered some really good music. What can I say? I'm a sucker for a good beat.

Went to see T'Nasha in Waterloo this past Saturday. I was really happy to see her again. I haven't seen her since the end of July I think. See how long it's been? We went out to East Side Mario's for dinner then went to the LCBO for some booooooooze and just chilled back at her boyfriends house. It was some good times. We looked at all her pictures from Thailand which was cool. Mark had some pictures too. I think it took us two hours to look at them all.

After that Marty and I came home and I enjoyed a weekend off.

I got invited out for tomorrow night. I'm kind of excited because I haven't been out (excluding this past weekend) since the summer to get really. I'm going out with the people from my buddy's house and I left a note at work for one of my coworkers since we're going to the campus pub and he lives near by. I might see a girl from work there too because she's going to the AIDS benefit thing that occurs before the club opens up. It'll be interesting to see people outside of work.

I'm excited for Christmas to be coming soon as well. I'm done most of my shopping. Just a few things for my one friend and stocking stuffers for the boy. I'm pretty sure he hasn't done ANY shopping yet. He's one of those night-before-freaking-out-because-he-left-it-to-the-last-minute guys. I just hope he gets what I wanted instead of trying to buy me something ridiculous.

Things at work are getting pretty tight. It's crazy how many people want to leave. I hope I can find a full time job soon. Hopefully before the end of the year, but I'm not holding my breath. I'm not stupid. Vinnie (a woman I work with) told me she's going to help me out as much as she can which is awesome.

Anyways, I think we're headed over to Gareth and Julie's house. Need to see my fiance!

Next time I post I'll be posting pictures of what my future tattoos on my back are going to be and a picture of the one I have now so you guys can all get an idea of what's going to be happening when I have money.....which so far, is never :P

Out.

Find Yourself A Girl And Settle Down

2006-10-17T11:21:00.000-04:00

This past Friday was the Humanities formal. It was fun times. I got to dress up real pretty and look hawt, so I was happy. I did take a few pictures, but most of them are of random things instead of people.

I've washed my hands of my family. I know I know. Why the hell does she always rant when she finally updates? That's because that's what this thing is for.

I've still got to file withdrawal papers for college, but I'm basically done with that too.

My stomach hurts.......

I think I'm going to write for a while.

Sometimes the Hardest Thing and the Right Thing are the Same

2006-10-03T18:34:00.000-04:00

It's been a while. It's always been a while when I finally write in this thing.

Well, a few things have happened. A few big things and a few small things.

Number One: my crisis has passed. Yay!

Number Two: I've taken a step closer to being an adult. Hurrah!

Number Three: Things are finally coming together.

Let me explain.

I've been thinking for a while that I should take some time off school. When I think about it, I've been in school SOLID since I was six years old. I've never taken the time to just work or travel or anything. So, I decided to take a year at least off school starting NOW. Actually, starting last week. Because of it, however, I've applied for Full Time at my job, basically have it in the bag, been given between 30 and 40 hours a week, and given the title of responsible. YAY! It's pretty awesome. So I'm kind of like an assistant manager at H&M in the Hennes department now. This unveiling kind of incorportates numbers one and two and three :P

At their base they are all the same.

Other news is that I had an awesome birthday this past weekend. Went out with some friends and was spoiled rotten. Marty bought me a digital camera which is awesome. I got a sushi set too to eat with and a cookie set complete with cooling racks and cookie cutters. It's sweet. I also got a few inspirational plaques for the wall ( which will go up as soon as I clean the place ) and I got a few gift certificates for Kelsey's/Harvey's/Second Cup which is great for work. I haven't seen T'Nasha yet but apparently I have a sushi set from her too from Thailand.

Next Friday is the Humanities Formal at MAC and I'm going as Rob's date. We went shopping today to pick out his shirt for his suit and for some accents for me so we match. It works out because I'm also his date for his brother's wedding in November and we'll just wear the same things. AND I figure I can wear it again for the Christmas Party at Canadian Tire. GO CT!

My aunt's wedding is this Saturday and I can only make it to the reception, but I plan on going, if only for a little while. I've got to get a card too. Better not forget that.

Today has been pretty laxed with watching anime and doing laundry/dishes etc. I want to take a drive or walk down to Bayfront Park with my camera and take some sunset pictures. I'd better get on it if I plan on doing that soon.

That's all for now. I've got to go move my car before the boy gets home.

Cheers.

All Around Me Are Familiar Faces, Worn Out Places, Worn Out Faces

2006-09-27T10:57:00.000-04:00

I'm having a mini crisis. It's so much fun lol

It's just a mini one, so I think I'll be doing just fine. Going to discuss some things and strategies with people who know me best. One down, two more to go in that respect.

I've been busy with work and school, so I haven't had much time to write in here as you can tell. It's my birthday on Sunday. YAY! 23!

Anyways, this is just going to be a short entry. I've got things to do and people to see.

Cheers for now.

Now I'm Having Trouble Differentiating Between What I Want And What I Need To Make Me Happy

2006-09-17T00:14:00.000-04:00

The title of this journal is a line from a song. Most of my journal titles are lines from songs. They are either chosen from the song that is playing on my computer at the time of writing, or they are chosen from songs that reflect the mood I am in when I am writing.

Things happen quickly. The way things are today may change tomorrow. The way things were yesterday are nothing like they were today.

Change is not a bad thing. We all go through changes. For better or for worse. People change, situations change, lives change. It's something we all have to accept. Even if we don't like the way things or people have changed, the fact that matters is that they change.

You shouldn't want to change some one to suit yourself. You shouldn't try to force some one to remain the same to suit yourself. I used to do that. I used to be terrified of change; my own personal changing and the changing of life around me. I remained in my past or moments from my past for a long time. I found myself a comfortable place, a suitable role, and I played it to the world. I acted in the fashion that was desired of me. I became the person people wanted and for a long time I was content and the role I played wasn't a lie. It really was who I felt I was. I refused to succumb to the changes that I felt growing inside my heart and soul. I didn't want to leave the person I was to try and become the person I needed to be.

You can't run away from yourself forever. No matter where you go, you will be stuck with your own heart, mind and soul. No one knows you better than you know yourself. Sometimes it feels as though others know you better than you do, but they only know what you allow them to see. There are things inside of all of us that only we know. We may not have accepted those things yet, or even discovered them, but they are there.

In College, I feel alive. I've made friends that I feel I can keep. I've never been very good at that. I usually push people away from me. I don't like people getting too close to me. True, I will tell you every damn detail of my past present and future, but there are times when I suddenly comprehend what I've said to those people and I push them away. All the thoughts I should have been thinking at the time of speech flow through my mind and I worry. I worry long and hard. I worry until I feel as though my heart will explode. Some people pull through this time with me. Some don't. More often not. But the ones who do; the ones that are still willing to talk with me and be near me, these are the people that I will hold dear.

But there are still things that they do not see. They do not see me cry nor do they see me extremely angry. These are still emotions that I lock within my soul. These are still parts of me that I am not willing to show. The day you see me cry, that is the day that you will understand how much I value you. How much I value your friendship, your kind words, your thoughtfulness. Some have seen me on the brink of tears, and that is as close as it will be sometimes.

I haven't had a huge long cry for a long time. I haven't broken down in tears over issues or people for a while. I wonder if that is a good thing? I've spent so much time and energy crying over situations and people. I've spent so much time worrying about how I am viewed, about how others think of me and the impression I make on every one, even members of my family.

It's tiring. I'm sure there are a lot of you out there who know exactly what I mean. Keeping up facades and wearing masks that are only thin reflections of who we are. I've noticed that no matter how many times I try to reinvent myself there are still certain traits that return. Most often these are the traits I try to suppress, but it never works. In my minds eye I see the person I long to be. I see the personality I wish to portray and I know that I will never be that person unless I completely start over with my life. It's too late to do that. It's too late to restart a life twenty three years in the making. This is who I am. I am me. There are parts of me that I cannot change any more.

And slumber calls my name. The pillow whispers to me in a soft and soothing voice and I am hypnotized by the rhythm of the breeze.

I must answer the call.

Nuevo, Nouveau, 新しい, New, 新

2006-09-03T18:48:00.000-04:00

It's the beginning of a new chapter for me. Things are changing. Life is changing and I have reached a different stage of my life.

This September brings me a new job, a new place to live, new school, new friends, a new car. Everything is new. These are mostly places I have never been to before. It's my first car, most of the friends I have made are from my new school.

It's so exciting. I have a chance to do the things I've wanted to do, but couldn't. I'm trying out for a varsity team, I want to be a TA once I get higher in my program. I want to be top of my class. I've been thinking about joining the paper at my school too. I'm entering the CBC literary awards later this year. So many things are happening. I don't know where to start. It's too exciting. Even my workplace is brand-spanking new.

I'm just retardedly excited. I want to buy a digital camera and if I do, I'll be sure to post pictures of my new things.

There's a new stereo I want to put into my car, but that might have to wait. I'll have to give it a thourough look over and see what I want to improve/customize. I'm all about the customizing.

Anyways, I suppose that's all for now. I'll give a better, more thought out entry another time.

Cheers!

You Still Scream

2006-08-25T12:15:00.000-04:00

Moving very soon.

Internet is on the fritz, won't have it again until the 1st of Sept, so if you want to get a hold of me, you have to call my cell phone. House phone is being retarded too.

Anyways, that's it for the update since I'm on some one else's computer and I don't want to take up all their time on it.

Drop me a line or something. Working a lot this next little while too.

Cheers for now.

Your Life Is Borrowed

2006-08-21T16:38:00.000-04:00

News!

I'm moving this weekend into the house that Marty bought. So, not sure when the internet and all is going to be hooked up. But as for now, I have access until saturday or sunday.

I'm excited to move. I called Bell today and got the number changed to the new place and I changed my address with the bank and my school. I just have to get in contact with Mohawk in order to change my address with them. I have to do it in person or by phone.

There's going to be a lot of stuff to move. I hope Marty has the friday off so that we can go to Ikea and buy the things that we need before we actually move in. Just a bed frame and some dressers etc. I'm going to figure out what we need and the cost its going to be to my bank account. I think I get paid this weekend which is nice.

Other than that, nothing new to report. I just have to get things in order.

Anyways, out for now while I calculate prices.

Out.

Your Body Will Burn Tonight

2006-08-16T19:11:00.000-04:00

Moving at the end of the month. Not sure on which exact day, but around the 25th. I've got to purchase the furniture for the place still and set everything up. Not to mention that I haven't done any packing....not that there's much to pack here. We can move everything in plastic bags if we have to.

Marty is taking vacation at the end of this month. That's when we're going to put the floors in the house and move. During that time he's on vacation I want to find a car too. I'm going to purchase a parking pass anyways and just use the Omni until I get my own car because you need a license plate to get the pass done. It costs $240 for the whole year which is nice.

I picked my school schedule. I have 3 eight am classes a week. It's not so bad. I think I can get used to getting up early again. To think that when I was a kid I used to get up so early to catch the bus and now I can barely make myself get out of bed until ten. It's sad really.

I went to the mall to buy shoes the other day for work and school and I ended up buying CD's instead. Not that I mind. The CD's are better.....

Today I've been listening to a lot of different music. Just gauging how I react to it, what it makes me feel and what it makes me picture in my minds eye.

Since I spend so much time alone there's not much else to do. It's kinda pathetic, but at least I'm doing something.

I'm supposed to be going out tonight with Suzanne, from work, to chill. Not sure if I'm going out with more people or just her. She has to call me first to tell me if she wants to. If she doesn't, I might just go to the liquor store and buy some booze and chill at home on my patio. Or I'll go to the club with Rob and whoever else. It's really all undecided still. But I figure if I don't hear from her by eight I'm just going to go to the liquor store myself and get some stuff. Some Malibu perhaps. Or just plain rum to go with coke. Not sure. I'll decide when I get there what I want to drink.....

I guess this is it for now. I'm going to whip up some spaghetti sauce and just chill.

Out.

単独で

2006-08-10T16:03:00.000-04:00

It started as a pin prick when I was eight and steadily it grew.

Now it is a void that takes up a large space in my heart; a void that feels painful when I think about it too much. My heart starts to ache and I feel like something inside of me is falling apart.

I've survived and I will continue to do so, trying not to bore the world with endless mentions of my past and pain. Every one is tired of it, I know. I'm tired of it too. Just when I thought that I could deal with this loss, when I thought I was fine, I blew it.

I started to talk to my father and now I never hear from him any more. He has a new family now. There is no place for me there. My mother is trying to come back into the picture and every time I look at her a part of me screams inside against her. I don't want to look at her, I don't want to acknowledge that she is there. I don't want to relive those nightmares again and again.

When I see how both of them live without me, yet they want to take credit for my accomplishments, it angers me. They have no right, either of them, to take any credit for who I have become and the things I will do in my future.

So I sit here and contemplate my emptiness and wonder if the void will ever be filled.

I Have to Block Out Thoughts Of You So I Don't Lose My Head

2006-08-06T13:15:00.000-04:00

Work has been going well. Training for the past week. It's not that hard and actually fun. I made a few friends which is nice. Two girls so far. One of the girls goes to Mohawk College which is nice. I have some one there.

I bought some new glasses. Three new frames and one of them are sunglasses which is cool. I haven't had sunglasses for like, three years. I'll post pictures of them another time. Maybe.

I'm not sure when school starts. I can't pick my courses until the tenth of August, which is retarded because I have to wait so long.

I actually have nothing to write today. Sad isn't it?

You Can Go Straight As You Dare

2006-07-27T17:27:00.000-04:00

OH MY GOD.

Best news for my best friend ever! ( I know I sound like a hyper teenager, but I can't help it).

T'Nasha just found out that her boyfriend is taking her to THAILAND for her birthday!!! What the hell is that?! I am SO excited for her! I want to see lots of pictures and happy memories, damnit! Her mother is giving her flack about it, big surprise. But, she's going to be 22. She's a big girl. The only thing she's worried about, which I don't blame her, is the fact that there's about 3 stop overs and she has NO experience flying. I believe in her though, so I know it'll be ok. She's going to be flying by herself because her boyfriend is going to be there already for this course he's taking. But whatever. She's still going, which is freakin amazing. I am SO happy for her. It couldn't have happened to her at a better time and she SO deserves this.

Happy news for me is that Marty got the mortgage for the house and we'll be moving in after August 1st. I actually get to live above street level for the first time in almost 3 years. How nice....I get to wake up to sun, instead of darkness.

Last night was my orientation for work, which was wicked ass. I have a name tag, which just sealed the deal for me. Training starts next week. I have to call this weekend to get the schedule and tell Marty when I need the car.

School is basically over for me too. I submitted my last paper and even though I don't think it's that great, I think I'll pass. I don't see why not. I got 89% on my last paper, so I should be ok. As long as I don't get a mark lower than 40% I'll be ok. Not that I think my paper is that sucky.

Anyways, that's about it for now. I think I'll watch tv or write. Just wanted to gush about my best friend going to FREAKIN THAILAND!

If You Feel So Empty

2006-07-26T15:27:00.000-04:00

So far, I don't have the car yet. Just waiting for the ownership still. I hope it comes real soon because I have to buy a parking pass and I can't do that until I know the plate number.

I went up to the College yesterday to hand in my applications for a few bursaries and to drop off the letter for my Family Breakdown Appeal. Joy.

Tonight is Orientation for H&M at the Ramada Hotel here in Hamilton. That'll be fun, I hope. It starts at 5:30 and goes until about 9. I just hope I don't fall asleep or something. That would be bad. I thought Orientation was going to take place at a store, but I guess not. Hopefully they'll tell us when training is and stuff too. I wonder what other people got hired for the store? Will I get to make some new friends? I dunno. Maybe. I hope so.

I don't get to pick my class schedule until August 10, which kinda sucks. I need to give my availability to my employers. I gave them a rough one, with estimates on what my schedule will be like. If things change, I have to let them know as soon as possible.

I'm also going to try and put in some submissions for the CBC Literary Awards. The due date is November 1st, 2006. So I have to get started. I want to put in a lot of submissions to heighten my chances and maybe get some one to notice my work. It's worth a shot. The winner in every category gets $6000, and you can only place once in each category. Hopefully something good will come of it. Second place is $4000, so either way, if I only place once, it'll be good enough for me.

Anyways, I'd better get going and get ready for Orientation.

Cheers.

I Always Hesitate

2006-07-22T09:29:00.000-04:00

T'Nasha is coming to play today!!! I am so excited. I can't remember the last time she was here. I think it was before the weather got all hot and gay.

We're going to have a girl-bonding day and bitch and eat slushies and stuff. Maybe go see a movie. Maybe hit the bar later tonight. There's a jazz festival in Burlington this weekend so we might go to see that if she wants to. It's up to my girl!

I bought myself some new CD's. Oh oh! And I have my own car! Sorta. We're waiting for the ownership so Marty can sign it and get it for real. It's a 1996/7 red neon with gray interior. Apparently it needs a new header (whatever that is) and it needs some cosmetic work. I guess there's no stereo or speakers in it right now, but we know a guy who runs a junk yard so maybe he might have some stuff for it, which would be nice.

I've picked out the new furniture that I want to buy for the house. It's going to cost close to $400, but when I think about it, that's how much the bed and the mattress cost by itself in the first place, and this time I'm getting a lot more stuff like dressers and a desk and stuff.

I've been writing a lot of my story lately. I really like this one. Gareth wants to read my last one, but I'm nervous. I don't know if I want him to. We'll see. I told him that when they get the internet, I would send it to them.

*sigh*

I don't know when T'Nasha is getting here. I told her to call before she came and to come as early as she wanted to. So, I'm just going to write my story and wait for the call. Then, while she's on her way here, I can shower and stuff.

Anyways, that's it for now!

Out.

I'm Looking for Attention, Not Another Question

2006-07-13T23:00:00.000-04:00

HA.

Some bad news people.

Yesterday, My apartment started flooding at 8:30 am. A sewage pipe had broken and decided to pour into my place. I managed to save most of my stuff. So, right now, I'm living in the third floor apartment of my building and just chillin. Tomorrow the landlord is coming over with some anti-mildew stuff to sanitize my stuff. My dresser, TV, book shelf (ves maybe) and desk are basically garbage. It's okay though, because I wanted to get rid of them anyways. My landlord is reimbursing me my rent for this month plus interest. That, and I get free internet, cable and phone while I'm up here. Pretty sweet I think.

I high-jacked my buddy Rob and had him help me move stuff to the house Marty is buying off his grandfather. I brought most of my stuff up here like dishes and clothes and stuff. Things that can go right to the house are in a corner. Not bad. Not bad.

So I have cable again which is nice and I've got a cute little deck on the back of my place which is just SCREAMING for me to hang out on it with a beer or something in hand. Too bad I don't particularly like beer. I'll think of something.

My bed frame is up for sale too. So Marty and I are sleeping on the mattress on the floor. It works. It's good enough.

Today was spent rescuing the last of my stuff, doing laundry and organizing the place so our stuff isn't EVERYWHERE like before.

I still haven't heard from my work yet. But I set up my phone so that all my messages are forwarded to the number up here. I've got to take the modem back to Cogeco tomorrow and cancel my service too. I think I might buy a few CD's while I'm there. You know, to ease the pain of all the work I've done. Marty gets off pretty easy. Yeah yeah, I know he's at work all day. He isn't even home yet as I write this. But he didn't have to deal with ANY of this apartment crap. I moved everything up and/or out, I organized the place and I and dealing with the landlord.

Tomorrow I also have to go to Mohawk to get papers for my family breakdown appeal with them that proves my parents SUCK and I'm doing everything alone. Soon now. Soon I'll be free of all this crap. It's just another....3 years :P

Anyways, that's it for now.

Out.

It's In Your Blood

2006-07-07T23:52:00.000-04:00

Do you ever wonder some times about why things happen to you? Whether they're good or bad, do you still wonder, 'why me?'

Do you think about how things could have been or should have been? About how things would be if 'this' person had done 'that' or if 'that' person had said 'this'?

Some of us live our lives being fueled by our hatred for some one or something else, or thriving on the fact that we are victims. What if we were never victims? What if we had never learned to hate? Who would we be? Where would we be?

I've been thinking a lot lately about how my world would be if I didn't know the people I know now, or how I would react if I lost some of the people I have now. Would my identity be completely erased? Would I have to start all over at being who I want to be? Would I be able to do it? Or would I give up?

A lot of the time I think I would give up, or retreat into myself and shut out the world. I've gone through that before.

Sometimes I want to go back to when my family wasn't so complicated. And sometimes I wish for the death of my parents with all my heart. Sometimes I wish I had never contacted my father. Sometimes I wish I still lived with my mother.

And there are times when I wish I could just leave this place and go some where to reinvent myself. A place where I could start over, where neither of my parents could reach me, where no one else in my family could find me. Where I could escape from this life and start over.

A lot of people have feelings like this.

Sometimes, I think of the other life I could have lived. In this life, I'm living in BC and I don't have a boyfriend. Sometimes I'm living where I am now, but most often I'm in BC. I'm single and I'm working as a youth counselor in a high school. I have a little blue car and I live in a nice big apartment. I have a lot of friends and I do very well in my job. I have a dog named Eliot and I live alone in my big apartment. I don't talk to either of my parents and barely communicate with any one else in my family. In this life, I feel so happy. I feel so fulfilled.

Then I wake up to my reality. It's not all bad and most of the time I'm very happy. But there are bonds and chains that I wish I could be free of. The same things a lot of people want to be free of. Family bonds, the chains of expectations. The pain of your past and the angst of the present all mixed together.

Oh, how I want to escape these things. How I want to be done with the people who pull me down. How I wish I could be free to do what I wanted and when I wanted. To go where I pleased without having to worry about who I'm leaving behind and what people will think.

Then I wonder if I would ever feel lonely. I'm not good when I feel lonely. That feeling is the worst for me. It feels like part of me is being ripped apart and another part is being burned. Part of me goes crazy when I feel so very alone. It's a hell I don't like to tread into very often.

I am easily moved at times too. Music can move me to tears. I get so emotionally vested in the things I read and the things I watch that I get sad or I laugh. I try to purge myself of these things through my writing, but there are still times, in the dark of the night, when I will listen to certain songs and cry. Just to get those tears and those emotions out. Even if I'm not really sad about anything, but I just need to cry.

As you get older, you forget how to do that.

This'll Be The Day That I Die

2006-07-06T21:59:00.000-04:00

I AM EMPLOYED.

FINALLY GODDAMNIT.

I got the job at H&M which is wicked ass. I love their clothes! So nice and inexpensive too. I go for training in August in Oakville which is cool. Means I get to drive! HA! I think Orientation will be in Toronto at the Eaton Centre. Not too sure yet. After orientation and stuff hopefully I can buy some clothes. I'll pay full price, I don't care! I just want clothes for my first few days.

Other than that, I know what was bugging Marty the other day. It was me. Apparently I'm too rude or whatever and I have to change or he's leaving. Some times I wonder if I WANT him to leave me. I've never really thought about it. I mean, I'm happy where I am in my life right now. I'm happy WITH him. I wonder what I would do if we really broke up. Hmmmm...

This is a short one today. I'm too busy rocking out to Classic Rock.

OUT, BITCHES.

I Just Act Before I Have A Chance

2006-07-03T11:18:00.000-04:00

It's been an odd little bit.

Landed a second job interview for H&M, a clothing store opening up in Limeridge this fall. Hopefully I land the job to go along with it.

Went to Dover on Friday. I drove, which was fun. Dragged Rob there with me. Picked up some stuff from my grandparents. Since Rob was there, they didn't lecture me.

Saturday we watched the game at Joe Dawgs in Burlington and then went to party on James St because Portugal won. We're thinking that the finals are going to be Portugal and Germany, but we don't know.

After the game we went out to Rainer's cottage which was fun because I got to drive again. But Sunday, yesterday, something happened and I don't know what it is.

Marty came home from work in a rush, told me he WASN'T in a rush, showered, and then booked it out of the house. I didn't realize he was LEAVING. I thought maybe he was getting something from the car. But when he didn't come back after twenty minutes I saw that the car was gone. So I tried to call his cell phone to no avail.

He came home around ten and then basically went to bed without a word to me. I still don't know what's going on. He only spoke to me today to ask where something was and to tell me he was going to work. I don't know what's going on and I don't like it. I don't understand what's wrong.

So today I am going to spend in confusion. Sounds like fun.

Out.

I'm Alright, I'm Gonna Make It, Even if I Have to Fake It

2006-06-26T12:54:00.000-04:00

So this past saturday was my cousin's engagement party.

I thought it went well. I forgot to get a card and since I can't drive yet, I couldn't go get the present I wanted to. So we came empty handed. I felt bad, but what can I do? It's not like I'm loaded.

Well.

Apparently some one told my cousin that I was saying rude things to her. So instead of CALLING me and finding out, she texts me and of course, I can't tell emotions via text, so I ended up getting hysterical. Yes people. I had an emotional breakdown yesterday. Then she gets on my case for not bringing a card. I called my grandma to find out what the hell was going on and SHE gets on my case too about not bringing a card. So I flipped.

I when balistic on my grandmother. Poor woman. But she was there and it's not like she's all innocent either. Half the time when I talk to her, she makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Unconsciously she compares me to my cousins and then I get the lecture about my mother.

I'm starting to hate families. They're so suffocating, like their hands are constantly around my neck and squeezing as hard as they can. I know they don't mean to be that way, but they are. Some times I wish both my parents were dead and I lived far away so that I wouldn't have to put up with this crap any more. My family seriously sucks. Yes, they're there for me when I need them, and I try to be there for them when I can, but I'm always feeling like I'm not good enough. Why can't I be good enough the way I am? Apparently my family isn't criticizing me as much as I think they are. But whatever.

I can't believe that my cousin would believe that I would say something rude about her. I've lived my life with her as a goal; she's beautiful, successful, intelligent. Everything I've been taught to be and been compared against. Yes, there have been times when I've been jealous of her, but that was years ago. I'm nothing like her. Nothing at all. Maybe it's better that way.

I don't want to be like the people in my family but I am. I can't escape what's in my blood from both sides. I hate it. I hate it all and I don't want to be a part of it. I don't want to have all these expectations thrown on me like this. Stop pressuring me.

As for Marty, apparently I'm his keeper. He said something at the party that was rude, I suppose. I don't know. It's not like I'm with him every second of every day. We're just dating. But apparently we're freakin married the way people talk. I hate that too. If some one has a problem with something he said, take it up with him. Don't talk to me and tell me to talk to him about it. Talk to HIM. He's a big boy. I'm sure he can take it.

And after I got off the phone with my grandmother and being all hysterical, he was asleep. That kind of pissed me off. He couldn't even stay awake long enough to make sure I was ok. What the hell is that?

Whatever. If it's going to be me against the world, FINE. I can do that. I don't want help or pity or presents or money or whatever. I'm sick of this. Since my grandparents cosigned on a credit line for me, it's like they own me. They're constantly breathing down my neck about money. Trust me, if I could do it without their signatures, I would. If I get OSAP next year, I won't need them. It will be me.

Other news, I have my assessment at College this wednesday. I have a job interview tomorrow. Hopefully good things will come of both.

Out.

Life's Like and Hourglass Glued to the Table

2006-06-24T12:51:00.000-04:00

Today is my cousin's engagement party!

I'm a little excited because it means I get to dress up nice and stuff. But I can't help but be a little nervous because of the people that are going to be there. Both my mother and my brother will be in attendance. It's a little nerve wracking because I don't want anything to spoil this day for my cousin. I know she's been agonizing over everything: trying to make sure it's all perfect. That and I know some of my family haven't been giving her the easiest time. But I know it will be great. I for one will not start anything. And if anything with me is tried, I will walk away. I don't want anything to ruin this for her. It wouldn't be fair.

On another note, I got a mark back on my paper that I wrote for my summer class that I barely go to and I got 44.5/50! That's really great seeing as this paper was worth fourty percent of my final mark! The next paper is worth fifty percent of my final mark and I know I'm going to kill that one. Sociology is more fun than I remember.

More good news. I have a job interview, that's the sixth for this month, next week for H&M that's opening up in the mall in the fall. Hopefully it goes well and they're all like : "PLEASE WORK FOR US!!!" :P I can dream, can't I?

And last but not least, I am just about done my latest 'novel'. It's taken me almost a year to write it and I'm at the closing chapter now. You know, the chapter that wraps everything up into a nice little package. At the moment there's over two hundred and fifty pages. Once the chapter is done, who knows? I could make a long one.

But now my stomach cries for attention and I must pay it or face the consequences!

Toooooodles!

Father Of Mine

2006-06-17T17:26:00.000-04:00

Fifteen years ago my parents got a divorce.

Four years ago this coming Christmas I contacted my father for the first time in almost ten years.

Last year this past May, my father remarried.

My father lives in New Brunswick. He has lived there since I was ten years old. I'll be twenty-three this year. I've seen him once since he moved out there. I went to his wedding last year.

I now have two step-brothers and two-step sisters. One step-brother and one step-sister live with my father and his new wife. They're a nice little family. I was shocked to see it though. When I went there, the little girl was the same age I was when my parents divorced. The little boy reminds me so much of my younger brother when he was young and innocent.

For years after he left, I hated my father. Ask any child of divorced parents when one leaves and they will tell you that they probably hate that parent. It took me a long time to not hate my father. I grew up in a hard home with a difficult life. A lot of people out there know what I mean, whether they had parents or not.

Four years ago this October I stopped speaking to my mother.

It will be a year this October when I stopped speaking to my brother.

It feels like I don't have a family. Do you know what I mean? It's true that I have wonderful grandparents who have been there for me and wonderful aunts that have done what they can for me. But still, I dread family occassions.

I have a big mouth. This mouth tends to get me into trouble. Along with this mouth I have this personality that demands me to speak my mind and be honest, even if it takes me a while to get there. This causes problems. At family get togethers, I usually end up crying.

I'm doubting that this father's day will be any different. There will be lectures. I will most likely be the only grandchild there. I will be told to hurry up and get a job; hurry up and be done with school; hurry up and stop asking for help with money. It's not that I ask for ACTUAL money. My grandparents are co-signers for a credit line. Recently I applied for an extension. Needless to say, it didn't go over well.

I don't get support from my parents. Either of them. I called my father for father's day not that long ago since I won't get a chance to tomorrow. He wasn't home. In my mind's eye I could picture him out with his new family and I feel like I should back away. That I should step out of that family because I don't belong there. When I go to that house it's like going back in time. Back to when I lived in a house with a mother, a father and a younger brother.

I don't want to be a burden any more. I don't want to feel like I'm just getting in the way. I feel like the piece to a different puzzle sometimes. Not all the time. I do have happy family memories.

Isolation is not foreign to me. I isolate myself all the time. I'm finishing up University and I'll be attending College this fall. I have a handful of friends to show for it. High school I had none.

Tomorrow is Father's Day. I will go to my grandparents house. I will sit in church. I will return to my grandparents house and sit somewhere in that house. I will be lectured. A bit. I will eat. I will spend the night. Monday I will go with my grandparents to the bank to get the extension on my credit line. I will get lectured. I will come home to my empty basement apartment. I will look frantically for employment.

This will be my life for the next few days. There are no parents involved. There are no words of encouragement involved. There is no sympathy or empathy. There is no kind voice of congradulations.

This is my life.

Love Can Help Me Know My Name

2006-06-12T12:22:00.000-04:00

Things have been going rather smoothly for once.

This Wednesday I have my second interview for Winner's in Burlington. I hope I get that job. I also got my G2 last week which makes me happy. I just can't drive because I don't have insurance and Marty won't put me on the insurance until I get a job. It sucks, but what can you do?

I'm heavily in debt still because of that stupid job I had at the beginning of the summer. I can't believe I bought so much stuff for working there and I was just laid off! Grrrr.

T'Nasha called me the other day, so I was happy. I miss her. I was so happy to have my G2 because that meant I could go visit her and stuff, but not yet I'm afraid.

My cousin has her engagement party this month. It's on the 24th, so that will be interesting. Apparently my mother is coming.

Father's Day is coming up and I don't really know what to do. Do I call my father? Don't I?

I don't know if I should because he's got his own little family now. I mean, I know he's been talking to me and everything for a bit now, but how long is that going to last? He has a tendancy to ignore things after the novelty has worn off.

But yeah. That's about it for now. I have to shower and eat some thing before my stomach goes on strike.

When There's Nothing Left to Burn You Have to Set Yourself on Fire

2006-06-03T12:08:00.000-04:00

It's been a while eh?

I got my monitor back yesterday. Now the colours go all gay every now and then which sucks when I'm watching an anime episode on the computer because then the reds look grey and suck. It doesn't stay for a long time usually.

Still out of work. I've got a few places to call on Monday and mayeb some of them will pan out. I had a job interview at La Senza last week which I thought went really well, but apparently I didn't get it because I would have heard by now. I went in for a prehiring survey thing at Garage Clothing last week. I'm going to call them on Monday.

Had a fun day with Julie on Thursday. She wasn't working and both the boys were so we decided to hang out. It was fun. Compared to her though, I talk a LOT. I suppose it's that way if you compare me to a lot of people however.

Now that I have my computer back I can get back to writing my story! I've been thinking of all these descriptive passages and such while I didn't have the computer. I wrote a couple little back ground stories too on some of the characters. These stories won't appear in this novel I think though.

I suppose I'm going to eat breakfast and get in the shower before writing. I like to be comfortable.

Bye for now.

It's Getting To The Point Where I Can Be Myself Again

2006-05-15T17:32:00.000-04:00

So I quit Tim Horton's. Come on people, find your suprised faces.

I'm stressing a bit about finding a job. The one I wanted doesn't seem like it's going to come through for me and I've got to keep up this charade of pretending I'm still at Tim Horton's.

I went for an interview today at Payless Shoes in Centre Mall. I don't know how to say it went. I thought the whole thing was a little odd, but I did my best and said what I hope landed me a job.

Tomorrow I'm going to go up to Limeridge and take out resumes there. I WILL find a job. I'm going to do everything in my power to find employment. I can't even remember how many places I've applied to so far.

My monitor crapped out on me on Saturday. Future Shop proved to be useless and I had to call the manufacturer of the monitor, BENQ. Basically, I have to send the monitor back to them in Toronto and wait about 2 weeks for them to send it back. Not my idea of great fun.

The next computer I buy is SO going to be a nice laptop. I mean, Marty and I have one now, but this thing is so shitty. It's also really hard to type on when you're used to a keyboard. That and the fact that it doesn't have ANY of my custom bookmarks, none of my files or stories or ANYTHING. I may just go insane until I get my monitor back.

So for right now, it's PS2 all the way. Which reminds me, I MUST work on this next level in my game. I'm SO far in it. Almost to the second disc. YAY!

Out for now.

2006-05-10T09:16:00.000-04:00

I HATE WORKING AT TIM HORTON'S!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!

I Hopelessly, Helplessly, Wonder Why

2006-05-05T16:41:00.000-04:00

So much can happen in so short a time. So much.

Marty and I had a fight. Nothing really new here I guess. It was a big one alright. It was on the way to a friend's house. Thank god I am an actress.

It was so big it felt like we broke up. I cried so much last night I woke up with pains in my chest this morning and had to call in sick at my first day of work. The manager didn't seem to mind. She told me that since she was going to be at the other Tim Horton's she manages this weekend that I can come in on Tuesday. I told her I had the stomach flu. How can I explain these pains I have to a total stranger? And had I gone in, my chest would have been bothering me all morning. The pain didn't really go away until about 12 pm.

Today I did the laundry, got rid of all my school stuff from this year, cleaned off the kitchen table that never gets used for it's original purpose, organized the closet a bit, vaccuumed, moped the bathroom floor, and organized all the school books I have. It won't be enough. It never is. Apparently I'm just not good enough. Apparently since I've been out of a job for two weeks due to being laid off I'm taking advantage of Marty.

He told me not to move into his house with him. I said fine. He took it back later, but there is always some truth in what is shouted in anger.

I'm frustrated. A girl I knew back in junior high and the first year of high school is my age. She's got her career in gear, she's married and pregnant. She's 23 just like I am. Where am I?

I'm living in an apartment with my boyfriend while attending school full time and working at Tim Horton's (sort of, still to be negotiated/dealt with). I feel so far behind.

Marty has achieved his goal. He IS a licensed mechanic. He has a shop. He wants to buy a house. Even he is so far a head of me I can't see his back any more.

I feel very out of place. Very.

I'm tired today too. I can't even think about what I want to write in here or in my current story.
Maybe I am useless.

The worst part about the arugment was that he sounded exactly like my mother. Expecting things from me like she did. Dinner, cleaning, so much more. Just like her. There's no point in trying to talk to him about it any more. He doesn't like to talk about things after the fact.

Perhaps he hasn't asked me to marry him because he doesn't WANT to marry me. Who's taking advantage of who now? Who's apartment is this? Who set up everything here?

Bah. It doesn't matter I guess.

I shall go and find something to do with my time.

The Chemicals are Restless in My Head

2006-05-04T09:47:00.000-04:00

Yo.

Well, I got laid off on the 24th of April. I landed a job on the 1st of May. I start tomorrow. Here's the catch: I'm currently employed by Tim Horton's and I hate it already. I haven't even had my first shift. The only reason I accepted the job was because no one else had called me back yet.

Tuesday T'Nasha came over and we have fun times! I dragged her to Giant Tiger and then we went to Centre Mall. While we were there I ended up doing a pre-hiring screening at Payless Shoes. Not bad. Hopefully they want to employ me. I would jump at the chance to work there in comparison to freakin Tim Horton's. Anyways, while we were at Centre Mall we went to Siren's and she bought some tank tops. I did my best to keep her away from the Bikini Store. I noticed that Siren's was hiring while we were there. I think today that if I don't hear from my sister around noon I'm going to take my resume's back to Centre Mall and drop some off at Zellers, Sirens and Sears. There's a Barn and Canadian Tire right near Centre Mall, so I think I'll try my luck there as well. It can't hurt. I want out of Tim Horton's ASAP.

I originally signed up for Full Time hours but after attending my summer class and such, I think it would be better for me to only do Part Time hours. That and the fact that I have NO time to see my family if I stay with Full Time. As much as they annoy me, it would suck.

I'm thinking about calling the Shopper's I applied at soon. If I could get a part time job at both Payless and Shopper's, that would ROCK.

Anyways, I've been sick the last few days. Marty was throwing up and such last week and I must have caught it because I puked my guts out on Tuesday after T'Nasha left. It wasn't pretty. I hate throwing up more than anything in the world. I was a little gross-feeling yesterday so I didn't go to my summer school because I didn't want to have to throw up there.

But today I feel good so that unfortunately means I will be well enough to go to my first shift at Tim Horton's. Lovely.

I guess I should eat breakfast for the first time in three days.

Out.

I Call But There's No Reply

2006-04-26T13:56:00.000-04:00

Officially done all my exams for this school year. I just have summer school to plod through and then I'll be done my Undergraduate Degree. That will be nice. Very nice.

Well, I lost my job on Monday, took out resume's on Monday, got a call for an interview on Tuesday. That makes me feel a little good. I have the interview on Friday. Very nice I think.

There's another place I want to take a resume out to either today or tomorrow because Marty's sister says they ALWAYS need help there. It's a Shopper's Drug Mart, so I would love to work there. We'll see.

There's only three books to buy for summer school which is nice. Classes start this coming Monday. Apparently the prof I have for it is a good one. This will be interesting. Normally I hate night classes because I always feel like falling asleep in them.

It's my father's birthday this Saturday. I'm going to call him. My friend Julie is also moving into her new apartment in Burlington that day so, since I'm no longer working, I thought I would go help as much as possible. That and I'm going to make some fudge as a house warming present. I figure I'll head to the dollar store and buy a nice little container to put it in.

My aunt changed what she wants me to sing at her wedding. She was thinking "Close to You" by the Carpenters. So I downloaded the song and I've been practising for it. She's got a CD with the Karaoke on it which is nice for me to use.

Anyways, that's about it for now. I'm going to check the mail and possibly have a shower/bath and then write my story. It'll depend on my mood as to whether or not I head out to Shopper's.

Cheers.

Living in the Broken Home of Hopes and Dreams

2006-04-24T22:54:00.000-04:00

There's nothing like waking up to a phone call from your employer telling you that they're laying you off.

That was my morning. It was lovely. I was so happy at this job, not to mention all the money I spent on clothes there that I had to wear for work, and I get laid off after 2 weeks of work.

Not to mention just about everything is maxed out and I'm going insane over studying.

I took two hours out today and I went job hunting. I applied at Tim Horton's, Giant Tiger, Money Mart and Pantorama. Wednesday I'm going to Shoppers Drug Mart at Centre Mall because Marty's sister says that they hire there all the time. I figure I'll check out the rest of the mall while I'm at it.

Poor Marty has to foot the bills for a bit now. My paycheque is barely going to be enough for my payments on all the stuff I owe. Greaaaaaaaaat.

Hopefully things will look up and I'll get a job really soon. I will work. I don't care the hours. I will work full time, part time, anytime goddamnit!

Anyways, I'm going to watch something on here to lift my spirits a bit.

Out for now.

Ever Since You've Been Gone, The Lights Go Out The Same

2006-04-20T11:32:00.000-04:00

Some good news. Some more of my endless complaints.

Good news first I guess.

My aunt wants me to sing at her wedding so I've been rehearsing here in my basement hole. I think we've settled on 'The Rose' but it's been a long time since I sang like this. I have to get my range back in action.

I went to a counselling appointment yesterday. It was fun. Patrick makes my day. He told me I should consider being a stand-up comedian lol Am I really that funny? I just thought I was a dork, but whatever works!

I have an exam tonight that I think I'll do alright on. This isn't good or bad news. It just kinda hangs there in limbo with the categories. I have another tomorrow morning at 9 that I hope I do well on. I'm banking on C's in all my classes. I SO don't care any more. As long as I pass, that's all that matters.

Ok, bad news.

While my mother did not show up at Easter, I had to hear about her anyways. I had to hear that my brother broke up with his girlfriend because she's a whore (I could've told you that) and that my mother broke up with her boyfriend because he was a disgusting drunk pervert (I could've told you that too). So my grandmother was going on about how they were both so lonely etc etc. I don't care. Is that cold of me? I don't think so. And then my mother called to tell that she wasn't coming and said that I had taken my baby books and I must have taken Ashton's as well so could I give it back. See, there's a problem with that story. I wasn't ALLOWED to take any photo albums or my baby book when I left. I was told that I wasn't 'old enough' to appreciate them. Whatever.

My grandmother and I get in fights over my mother regularly now. It's not really fights, it's more like arguments where I'm never right. My grad photos will be arriving at her home soon. I hope she doesn't expect me to give one to my mother. If she does, I can just write on the back of it: 'this is how far I came without you'. Yeah right. If I did that, I'd be disowned.

Some times I wish I was. You know, disowned. Then I wouldn't have to put up with all this bull shit all the time. I'm never being praised for anything that I've done. I've worked my ass off to get here. It's not easy when no one seems to care. All my family can say is: 'why aren't you done yet?' 'what kind of job will you get? Will you make a lot?' 'you don't have any money. Why are you bothering' etc etc etc. Gee. Thanks for the support guys.

I mean, it's not like I want to hear it every second of every day, but it would be nice that they would praise me instead of slamming me into the dirt. I'm sure there are lots of people who have to go through this.

I'm at a standstill with my studying. For this subject, I feel like I know enough and that no matter how much more I study, it won't make a difference. I don't want to start studying hardcore for my exam tomorrow until this one tonight is over because I don't want to get confused.

Anyways. I think I'm going to take a brain break for a bit longer. I've been watching tv a bit and going over my study sheets at commercials. That kind of works.

Out for now.

Testosterone Boys and Harlequin Girls

2006-04-18T14:59:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I went super mushy last night. I blame a certain some one who asked me things about my past. You know who you are!

Anyways, just finished a BORING shift at work. It's cold in my apartment and my fingers feel weird. Sometimes I wonder if I have arthritis because they go all stiff and ouchy when it's cold sometimes. Maybe I just like to make shit up about myself.

Anyways, more clarification on Dance Cave. It sucked. I was tired from being up at 6:30am that morning and some of the people in Toronto are so goddamn stuck up and I want to punch them. I almost punched some one in the face when I was there because the idiot was stacking cups and almost knocked a cup filled with GOD KNOWS WHAT into my lap. Yeah, I was getting ready to fight.

I think I have an anger issue lol

I've been trying to study for my exams this week. Trying being the most important word here people.

I want McDonald's but I have no money. I'm soooooooo poor right now it's not funny. I don't think I've ever been this broke. My credit card is almost maxed and my credit line is too. Niiiiice. Plus, I don't get paid until next week. It better be a fatty, that's all I have to say!

Anyways, I thought I would put up the link to the Prologue and the first five chapters of my story entitled "Memories" on here. I want more feedback, because this one is basically finished and I want to know if people would seriously think it's good enough to get published. Don't mind any grammatical or spelling mistakes. These are only rough drafts. And, the website that hosts them automatically copyrights them for me, so don't try and rip me off. I'm not going to host the whole thing anyways.

So, here you go!

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Please understand that this story falls into the Fantasy genre, so if you don't like stories like that, don't bother to read.

Out for now.

Memory

2006-04-17T22:08:00.000-04:00

My memory is my enemy.

There are things that I remember that didn't happen and there are so many things that did happen that I don't remember. You could ask me about my life when I was in elementary and middle school and I wouldn't be able to tell you anything really. High school is starting to fade from my mind as well.

The only things I can remember clearly like they happened yesterday are painful things. Like the first time I cut myself to take away the pain. The first time I was told I was useless. The first time I really felt like I was worthless. All these things I can remember and the emotions associated with these feelings flood over me like a tsunami.

I'm cold.

Sometimes I wonder why I act the way I do. The 'me' a lot of people see is not really who I am. Only two people know the true me.

Have you ever missed some one so much that it makes your heart hurt?

I miss some one right now. I miss a few people. Some of these people I will never be able to touch again. But I can touch her. She's hurting right now. She's confused and I can't be there for her. A phone call and conversations on MSN do not count as really being there for her. Perhaps she is the sole reason I am trying so hard to get my license? Is it because I some times feel as though we're drifting and I don't want to lose her? I've never had a friend like her before. We're so alike in what we portray to the world and in what we keep hidden underneath.

I miss my mother of the past. I miss my father of the past. These people, these people with families and parents within reach, these people who have received the love of both parents will never understand.

My mother of the present: our relationship can never be mended. I don't want to have anything to do with her any more. Every time I look at her all I can feel is the pain from the things she's said and the things she's done. Now she works at a bar. She 'tries' to take proper care of my brother. I don't know how that's going because I don't talk to him either. I'm completely cut off from both of them.

My father of the present: our relationship is rocky. He's married again. He now has four children and two grandchildren on top of his other four. I've been there, to where he is with his new life. I've never felt more out of place. No one needs me any more and it leaves me feeling hollow.

Even now, the family I have is falling apart. Or at least it feels like it is to me. I understand that every one has problems with their parents and that I am not a unique case. I know people who have been through worse things than I have. But I keep reliving and rehashing my past, trying desperately to find what I'm looking for. My reason for being. I've been told no one wanted me. Imaging being only thirteen years old and having your mother tell you that her parents wanted her to get an abortion when she first found she was pregnant with you?

Now, in this very moment and this very year, things are not going well. I'm not good enough. My grandmother criticizes everything I do, say and decide. My career choice is not good enough. My job isn't good enough. I shouldn't be doing half the things I'm doing, but here I am. Trying to scrape out an existence in the rubble of my world.

Do you remember when your world first came crashing down around you?

Mine does that quite often. I remember when it happened in first year university. She was there for me and held me up. She will always be a pillar of strength for me.

----------------------------------------------

I went to Toronto this past weekend. I'm never going to Toronto again. To make a long story short (as if I make long stories short. I think I just like to read about my own life lol) after Dance Cave I was humiliated in public, walked back to my friend's house in tears (yes, I do cry. I am human after all), slept for an hour before walking from my friend's house to Union Station so that I could catch the 7:30 am bus back to Hamilton. Never again. Never EVER again.

Have you ever wanted to be some one new? Some one different? I keep getting these chances to be a totally different person, some one who is strong and level-headed. Some one who doesn't try to fight every one or show how tough she is. It's hard for me not to try and be stronger than every one else. I'm afraid. I am so afraid of being trampled that I'm mouthy and I don't let any one close to the centre of my being. Sure, I'll tell complete strangers the story of my life if they want to hear it. I have nothing to hide. But why do I always try to fight? Especially with men. Is it because I watched my mother being abused for four years in front of my eyes and in my brain 'hurt them before they hurt you' was engraved? I could make up excuses for hours.

I am a scared, little girl who wants her mommy and daddy to come and take her home. I am hardened, jaded girl who doesn't need any one to help her. I am an emotional mess of tears and rage that wants to get revenge on the world.

I am a lot of things.

I know that when I go to college in the fall, I will not talk to any one from McMaster any more. This summer every one is going to be gone far away. Any friendships I had with them will wither away and die. Crumble into dust.

This has happened before.

All you people out there with best friends and child hood buddies, hold on to them. There are some of us who have never felt that kind of friendship. We may never feel it. We may feel it and be so scared that we reject it. I am a rejecter. I end up rejecting every one. I will shove you away from me and I will never let you get close again.

Don't touch me. Can't you see I'm broken?

We Speak Just Like the Closest Enemies

2006-04-15T13:24:00.000-04:00

So I just found out that my mother is going to be at my grandparent's for Easter this year.

I was told by my grandmother to be good and not start anything. That made me so angry. I have to vent this anger before I go to work tonight. That wouldn't be good to be all pissed off at work. Bad things might happen.

HOW DARE she tell ME to watch my mouth. All I'm going to hear about is the stupidity that spews from her lips as every one feels sorry for her. I hate that. How dare they be all consoling to her. Every one just wants things to be all happy and shit. Forget it. I don't need this. I am NOT going to watch my mouth. I don't even want to go now. I'm going to go, say hello, and book it as fast as I can. I don't want to stay. I'm not going to go to Christmas now, I'm not going to have a birthday. Forget it. I don't need this.

I wish T'Nasha was online so I could ask for advice on what to say. She's really good at being independant and smart and stuff. A lot better than I am anyways.

Gaaaaaaaah. Now I'm all worked up about it. Damn. Fine. I'll just talk about my dad a lot then. IN YOUR FACE. If they don't like it, if I'm told to consider my mother's feelings, I'm going out the door.

She better not touch me or come near me. I don't want her to speak to me or even breathe in my general direction. My brother better not come near me either. Screw them both. They can wallow in their own misery together.

Now, not only am I going to get lectures about my finances and about my education, I'll get the 'why don't you be nice to your mother' and all that other bull shit.

FANTASTIC! This is the PERFECT end to the most PERFECT weekend. Yes, I am being sarcastic.

And It's You When I Don't Pick Up The Phone

2006-04-09T12:18:00.000-04:00

Last night was a very very good night.

I went to Rob's BBQ with the thought in my head that I would be leaving aroudn 8 to go to a Buck and Doe. WELL! I ended up not doing that which was fine by me! I met Rob's friend Thahn who is TOTALLY cool. I've managed to get her to agree to come out with Rob and I when we go to Toronto on Thursday. She's going to come to the club with us.

I met Nick too. I'd never met him before. I saw two of his other friends before but I don't know how to spell their names. It was all fun.

I drank quite a bit and was gone very quickly because I hadn't eaten much. I didn't even eat a whole burger. I gave up after half.

My legs hurt from dancing at Funky Monkey and from walking from Rob's house to my house. Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwie.

Anyways, I'm going to hop in the shower and watch tv or something. I'm pretty sure today is the day that we all go to work and buy clothes at 2. I didn't get an e-mail reminder so I'll go there around 2:30 or 3 and see what's up.

That's all for now!

Cheers.

Maybe I'm just like my father

2006-04-07T18:38:00.000-04:00

*sigh*

I feel so much better after getting all that off my chest last time. It does the body good to let go like that some times.

Tomorrow is my first exam. Shakespeare. I'm not that worried. Afterwards I'm heading over to Rob's for some BBQ goodness. I think I'm going to a Buck and Doe after that, but I'm not sure. I'll know better tomorrow.

Next week I don't have any exams, but I have to make up my study sheets and I start work as well. I'm so happy to be working. I need to work. I don't like just sitting around and doing nothing all day. It really bugs me after a while.

My first shift is a morning shift on the Tuesday...I think. They haven't sent out the schedule yet, so I'm not sure. But I do know that on Sunday between 2 and 5 we're all supposed to go to the store and buy some of the clothes so that we can wear what we sell. A lot of people don't agree with that, but I don't mind. I like buying clothes and this is a nice excuse. I already saw some jeans and a nice sweater that I'll look good in that I want. I might spend a couple hundred dollars, but that's alright. It's all stuff that I'll wear at work and at play (I know I know. Don't say anything)

Next week on the Thursday I'm going to head out to Toronto to hang out with Rob and probably go out to this club he was talking about there. I'll chill for the night and I'm thinking I'll come home on the Friday. Saturday I'm sure I'm working the night shift. I'll know better when I get the schedule.

When I was younger, I always wanted to be just like my mother. In my eyes, she was beautiful and strong. She was smart and kind. But then as I grew my view changed as she changed. Sometimes, when I'm thinking of the past like that, it hurts my heart to know that I'll never get the mother back that I used to have. Something happened to her, I'm not sure what, but it changed her a lot. It's something more than the divorce between her and my father. But after that, things got pretty bad. She used to yell at me for how much I reminded her of my father. And I do. There are so many of his characteristics that I have and I can't help it.

A lot of the time I get angry with myself for repeating these things over and over again. It's like I keep playing my past in my mind, trying to figure out where it went bad. Trying to see what happened. Was it something I did? Was it something they did? I was just a child, but still.

It's sickening that I can't let this go. I need to let this go to move on and get a hold on my own life. I thought I was doing fine and then she started showing up to family things again. It hurts me that she's there and it hurts me when the rest of my family acts like nothing happened. I can't do that. I can't pretend that I wasn't hurt in the way I was. It's a scar that may never go away. I may live with this for the rest of my life, no matter how much I try to heal it.

Sometimes, I think I inflict this on myself because I can't be happy. There are people out there that don't know how to be happy and I wonder if I'm one of them. That can't be true......

I've been thinking of going to stay with my father's side of the famliy when I'm done school. My step-sister is in the same field as I am. Maybe she can find me a part-time place. Or I could be a waitress at a restaurant for a summer. I want to go to British Columbia for a bit too. I'm sure I could get a nice summer job doing something menial for a while. I can do a lot of things.

The thing that prevents me from just picking up and going is what I have here in Ontario. If I go, it means leaving Marty behind. It means leaving my grandparents behind for a while. I don't know what to think. I don't want every one to be mad at me just because I want to live my life the way I want to.

Gah. That was long. This is taking up too much of my brain power lol

I think I'll turn my attention to meaningless tv or something.

Out.

I know I'm ranting

2006-04-06T19:40:00.000-04:00

I've said before the history likes to repeat itself.

I noticed that I must like it to repeat because I do the same things over and over again.

I have never graduated with my friends and University is no different. When all my friends graduate this coming June, I will not. I will be working and going to summer school. I'm graduating in November.

I did this in highschool. I stayed behind. And even now, when most of my friends and the people I know go on to their careers, I'll be in college. Studying and going to class. I'll be almost twenty-five before I finish everything. Maybe twenty-six. I don't know yet. Either way, I will not know many or any people in my graduating class.

Then at college I will once again be surrounded by younger people that I don't know.

Hopefully I'll at least have my license by then. Hopefully I'll even have a car. We'll see.

I've got to start acting my age and not thirteen. I've got to stop laughing like a kid all the time and slacking off.

This sunday I will have been with Marty for four years. That's a long time and I'm trying not to feel like things have gone sour. We don't do anything, everything he does pisses me off lately and there is no reason for anything he does to be any different than when we first started dating. Maybe it's because he doesn't even know what he wants to do with the rest of his life still. He's fumbling between being an actor and a mechanic. He wants to buy a house and open his own business in the same year, something which he cannot afford. I find myself getting more and more angry at his idiocy when it comes to things like this. I get mad because he wants to do all these things and he doesn't have any kind of plan at all. Sometimes I wonder if I was really meant to be alone.

In all truth, I didn't want to have a boyfriend when I came to University. I wanted to flirt shamelessly and date. I didn't want to be a whore or anything, I just wanted to have a good time.

That brings me to another thing that's pissing me off.

My closest friend here in Hamilton, I daresay he's my bestfriend here, is a boy. He lives in a house with a bunch of other boys. They all say things like, 'are they fucking yet?' 'have you put the moves on her yet?' and such. They all KNOW I have a boyfriend and some have even met him. I'm getting sick and tired of their jackassedness. I mean, this is University. I know it's impossible for people to mature so quickly, but these guys are SO immature that it's driving me crazy. And then there are moments when I like to hang out with them because they can have fun. But I think I'm going nuts. I don't want to be a bitch and I've put up with it for a long time. But I think I'm going to snap real soon. Some one might get hurt. Seriously. I'm angry.

And other things that make me angry.

During the summer one of the guys from work was having a problem with this girl he liked and his best friend who is a girl. He needed a friend and I was there for him. I would stay up until 2 am or so until he got home from work and listen to him talk if he needed it. Last summer was basically devoted to keeping him sane because he had issues to deal with. Since I want to go into the counselling field, I thought it was good practice.

Then September comes along and suddenly I'm no longer important. A mutual friend sent a postcard for me through him in DECEMBER and I only found out about it about a week ago. We had made plans to get together on campus this past Tuesday. He was supposed to call me so that we could meet up when he was finished with stuff. NO PHONE CALL. No e-mail saying he was sorry to be late or not call or anything.

FUCK YOU USER! That's right. You read it here. I'm sick of this BULLSHIT.

There. I feel a bit better.

Hey You With the Pretty Face, Welcome to the Human Race!

2006-04-01T14:29:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was sorta the best day of my life!

I found out that I got accepted into Mohawk College for this fall and into the program I wanted. That made me super happy! My internet was down for the last 24 hours so I wasn't able to accept until this morning. But still, that's all done, I just have to focus on exams and summer school. I AM GOING TO KICK ASS.

Then later on last night I found out that I got the job I really wanted. I am now one of the newest employees of 2FACE clothing on Main St Hamilton. I jumped up and down a lot.

The thing that put a damper on everything was the fact that the boys were all going out to the Strip Club and that usually means that we girls go out too, either to a strip club of our own or to a club. But apparently Julie went up to Belleville to see her parents, and no one told me. Thusly, I was barred from going out with the boys because it was a 'boy's night out' and I had to spend last night alone. I kicked some stuff and punched a door because I was mad. I mean, I could have been in Toronto last night a friend at a dance club but I turned it down because I thought I was going out with Julie and the girls. So, I vented my anger on inanimate objects and went to bed.

So today, I went to the gym and I'm just waiting for my new employers to call me and tell me what my schedule is. After I know that, I can call my driving instructor and book more lessons. I have 8 hours of in-car left and then I can go for my G2 license baby!

Now I'm going to debate whether I'm going to get in the bath or watch tv.

Cheers.

As Years Go By

2006-03-30T18:52:00.000-05:00

You can never truly understand loneliness unless you have been surrounded by friends and family, only to have them all be torn from you or desert you.

I don't know what I'm doing any more. I can't find a job, I keep getting angry at Marty and he's not even doing anything. I feel like I'm going to explode.

I've been crying for 5 straight minutes and I don't even know why. There's no one here to consol me right now and maybe that's my own fault. I live in the middle of no where, the one realy friend I've ever really had is so far away, the ones I have here are all busy with their own lives. I can't call my family because they would only yell at me for god knows what. It's times like this that I wish I could go back in time to when my mother held me when I cried instead of being the cause of my tears.

There's so much pressure that it's suffocating me. My grandmother and I kinda got into today because I was getting mad at her. She has no idea what's going on in my life. I have no idea about what's going on in my life.

I just want some one to sit here with me in my hobbit hole and eat ice cream with me and watch movies with me and cry with me. You know, one of those childhood/best friends every one is talking about so much.

I shouldn't feel this lonely. I have plenty of friends. But it just seems that when I need them the most, they aren't there and it's not because I've pushed them away, it's because they have their own lives and we haven't been friends that long.

I'm going to write an e-mail and cry some more or something.

And It All Happens At Once

2006-03-28T13:23:00.000-05:00

You know how I've been bitching that I'm unemployed? Well, I went for one job interview up at Hooters and then I was called for two other jobs.

I had an interview at 2Face, a new clothing store in Hamilton, yesterday, and I have another interview at Tommy Hilfiger Thursday. It makes me feel a little better and I've been looking for full time work now, so maybe I'll be getting something soon. I'd really like to work at 2Face because I felt really comfortable there. To me, that means a lot. I need to feel comfortable there or else I'll hate my job.

So hopefully something will come soon. Hopefully I'll hear back as to whether or not I got the job at Hooters. That makes me angrier than anything, when the people don't have the decency to call back and tell you that you didn't get the job. So people like me sit and wait and hope that maybe someone will give them a job.

Anyways, I'm done all my papers for the year, I have 4 exams, some easy ones, I haven't been to some of my classes in months, which is bad, but I can't help it. It has to be done. I've had a lot of other things to take care of. But now it's all done, I have summer school, I should be hearing any day now as to whether or not I got into Mohawk and life will move smoothly on.

Cheers.

Let's See How Ya Do!

2006-03-26T12:22:00.000-05:00

Take My Quiz
- on -
QuizYourFriends.com!

I'll admit some of the questions will have you all stumped. It was fun!

We Are Human After All

2006-03-23T17:58:00.000-05:00

I have another addiction. More CD's to buy. Must...feed....addiction....to....music!

Ok. I now REQUIRE the following CD's in order to live:

DAFT PUNK:
Homework
Discovery
Alive 1997
Daft Club
Human After All
Musique Vol 1. 1993-2005

For some reason, the underline thing is on. Oh well.

I also require the SINGLE:
The New Wave

FEED ME!

Brothers and Sisters Put This Record Down

2006-03-22T13:04:00.000-05:00

I woke up so late today that I'm pissed off. I wanted to go to my morning classes and get my hair cut afterwards but I must have slept through my alarm because when I woke up, it was 12 pm. My classes started at 8:30 am. Goddamn.

Tonight I have a job interview at 6 pm and I'm kind of nervous. I'm always nervous when I have job interviews. The other fact is that I have to take the bus and I'm not sure how long it's going to take to get there. I'm going to give myself an hour I think. I'm going to look at the bus schedules and stuff and see if I can make something out.

I really want this job. I need a job RIGHT NOW so that I can start saving up for my car and insurance, not to mention paying off my credit card and credit line. Those things MUST be dealt with. So far, I'm ok and the good news about summer school is that I don't have to pay it off until the 15th of August which is good. That means I can relax a bit.

Summer school is only two nights a week: Monday and Wednesday. So other than that I'll be available to work all the time. I've got four exams coming up next month and the other bad thing about me right now is that I haven't been going as often as I should. I'm so lethargic and I just don't give a shit about it any more. I'm sick of school and exams and such, but then again, I'm hopefully going to college. Yeah, I'm a sucker for pain.

So now I don't know about going to get my hair done. There's a First Choice right at the top of my street so I could go in there as long as I get my ass in gear. That would be cool. I like the people across from the school, but I'm sure they're all nice.

Anyways, I'm going to make my bed and gauge how much time I have. Maybe I'll go get my hair done. The other thing is that I don't really know what I want.....Yeah, I suck.

Cheers.

A Murder of One

2006-03-19T15:37:00.000-05:00

I just realized what a sad summer I'm going to have this year.

Mandeep is going to be in St. Catherines, Steph will be in Mississauga, Kate in Toronto preparing to go to Japan, Rob in London and Tash in Windsor.

That's all my friends here. How sad is that? Hopefully I'll make friends at my job, whenever the hell I get one. It's driving me nuts not having a job right now since summer school is coming up and I need a way to pay for that.

I've applied to lots of places. One of them HAS to hire me. I mean, when it comes to restaurants, why woudn't they? I've got lots of experience.

Well, I guess I should stop moping and do something.

Kiss Me I'm IRISH! Well, sorta

2006-03-17T13:12:00.000-05:00

It's St. Patrick's Day!

My buddy Rob is having a BBQ at his house so I'm going to go there to get my drunk on today. Marty is going to help his friend Gareth study some more for his test on Monday. I don't plan to get too hammered or be out too late because tomorrow is Marty's nephew's birthday party. The kid's only 2, but they still want to have a big to-do about it. Meh. Not my problem. Either way I can't be too hung over when I go there or I'll get looks of death.

I'm bringing my own stuff because I'm too poor to buy more stuff at the LCBO.

I put on as much green as I could. My tanktop is green, some of the beads in my choker are green, one pair of my earrings are green and I put my school ring back on because the colour is green.

That's about it for now. I've got about half an hour to chill before things get in motion!

Cheers!

Am I More Than You Bargined For Yet?

2006-03-15T14:37:00.000-05:00

I am addicted to Fall Out Boy. I am I Am I AM.

I'm going to post a list of CD's I want and I know it's like, 7 months in advance for my Birthday, but I don't care. I WANT THEM!

Fall Out Boy - From Under the Cork Tree
Dashboard Confessionals - ANY OF THEM
Sugarcult - Palm Trees and Power Lines & Start Static
Daft Punk - Discovery
Eminem - Encore
Matthew Good Band - Any of them.

I'm on a huge music blitz. I think in the back of my mind I'm preparing for when I get my car and instal my wicked sound system. None of these things have been purchased yet. I don't even have a job yet, but they're in the works!!!

And I wanted to say thank-you. You know who you are and I really appreciate you worrying about me. Just wait. Soon we'll live next door to eachother again, or close enough. And if I DO get this car and a job, I can drive down to see you. You damn well know I will!!

Anyways, thanks for being the realest best friend I've ever had. Alright, enough with the mushyness.

I'm GONE.

The Haunting

2006-03-13T17:31:00.000-05:00

I can't be left alone to think my own thoughts any more.

I've been sitting before the television and instead of becoming a mindless drone in the face of so many intriguing carotons, I'm thinking.

I'm remembering. I'm remembering high school and the years before. I'm remembering good things and bad things.

The problem is that I'm associating things from the past to things in my present. Things that aren't happy at all. I don't like it.

*sigh*

Some are Dead and some are Living

2006-03-13T14:45:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since we all hung out. Will it happen again soon? Are we all caught up so much in our own lives that we don't have the time to see eachother any more?

But I'm used to this. I'm not angry, I'm not going to cry. I understand this way of life more than any one. This has happened so many times that I almost forgot it could happen at this age.

I feel like there is nothing I can do, and it doesn't matter if I even try. But that's alright. There is still one person at least who is here for me.

I want to see her above all else, but she's so far away that it makes me sad inside. I want to share so much, but it's so hard with this distance.

Either way, I get what has happened. I understand that history will repeat and repeat itself over and over.

I get it.

Stoned me just like jelly rolls

2006-03-09T11:10:00.000-05:00

Hello hello. I'm back. Last week I had a fever of 103 so I kinda stayed in bed and didn't move lol.

News News!! My cousin Natasha got engaged, FINALLY. I haven't seen the ring yet because she keeps needing to get it sized. She has little fingers like me, except I think hers are skinnier than mine.

I have my first in car driving lesson today....I'm kinda nervous because Hamilton is such a busy place compared to where I was learning to drive in the beginning. Hopefully I'll do alright though. I know the basics of driving, I just need practise driving in the city and all the parking stuff. The week after next is my last in class lesson, which is nice.

Marty is back to work! I'm so happy. When he's working he's less likely to be all grumpy and stuff. And since he's working he can pay me the money he owes me from his part of the bills that he owes from the last two months when he wasn't working. And once he's been working for a bit, we can get some stuff done to the house before we move in. We want to do some painting and put in new floors in the livingroom and kitchen. It'll look nice when we're done.

Anyways, I dropped another class at school, but I've picked the class I want to pick up in summer school. It's worth 6 units, which is what I need and it's on deviant behaviour, which works for what I'm going into at Mohawk. IF Mohawk lets me in. I haven't heard yet.

I've been applying for jobs myself. I've been unemployed for almost three months now. I don't like that. I feel lazy and I'm becoming VERY lazy.

I have a job interview tomorrow and if I get an offer for the job, I'm going to jump on it, at least until I find out if I got in at Fortino's yet. If I get into Fortino's, I'll be going there in a heart beat.

Anyways, that's it for now. Gotta shower!

Cheers.

2006-02-27T11:29:00.000-05:00

FUCK

Where the Dream takes you

2006-02-15T12:49:00.000-05:00

I've finished all my projects for before reading week. They weren't that great, but I seriously have no drive to do my best. I mean, when you know that you only need a D+ average, it doesn't make you want to try real hard. I know I should, I know it would be beneficial, but I just can't feel up to it.

Anyways, things have been going well. Tonight is the first night that I start driving school. I'm hoping to go for my G2 in May or June. It would be really nice if I could pass on the first shot. The school I'm going to is one that a friend of mine used here in Hamilton and she said they were really good and she passed her test on the first try. It's worth a shot, is it not?

Still job hunting. The Fortino's that's not that far from my house is looking for cashiers. I just have to get my ass in there and apply. I'll probably do it tomorrow or Friday. Either way, it will be done.

And since reading week is coming up, I'm going to go back to the mall and see if there are any places looking to hire. Hopefully there are. Hopefully. If for some retarded reason I can't get a job until summer is almost upon me, I'll be ok. I have just enough.

Other news, Marty is buying a house, so in April and May I'll be moving. I haven't seen what the house looks like yet, but it's one that his grandfather owns and rents out. But he wants to get rid of it and he said he would sell it to Marty at a cheap price and that his grandfather would carry the mortgage and such so it's not going to be too complicated.

I need to get a job to work a lot so I can save up for car insurance and get my own car. There is no way that Marty and I will be able to share his car a lot since he needs it to go to work every day.

He's almost done his schooling for the year. Next week is his last week. I think he's given up starting his own business this year. I think he's going to wait a bit first, work at Canadian Tire and save up lots so that it won't be so hard on him when he does start it.

That's about it for now. I can't think of much else to write. I have to print out my assignment so that I can hand it in to tutorial tomorrow. That reminds me, I have to submit it to turnitin.com as well.

Better get on that.

Cheers.

Sense of Life

2006-02-05T20:19:00.000-05:00

So it's been a while.

Things have been busy with school and such. I dropped a class which means I'll have to make up for it with summer school, but that's alright. I'll still be all finished before I go to college. IF I go to college. I have yet to receive an offer of admission and since I only applied to one school, I'm a tad bit nervous. I'd really like to know if I have been accepted or not.

I've been pretty sick the last little while. This Saturday I was going to go to Rob's but I felt like death so I decided to stay home instead. He called that day because his mum wanted to know if I could make the trip out because she wanted to take care of me lol. That's so cute. I mean, not even my own family offers to take care of me.

The last few times I talked with my grandmother on the phone she gave me about fifty lectures. I'm so sick of that. It makes me not want to call her. Not that it matters. She does it any ways. Even when I haven't called for weeks or so, she finds something to lecture me about.

Still jobless. I don't like that either. Makes me feel like I'm being lazy. I've been looking though, trust me. Guess I just need to look harder. Something will turn up. Always does. Worst comes to worst I'll be unemployed until summer. Ew. I don't like the thought of that.

I'm going to be taking driving lessons soon. Hopefully I can get my G2 this year, and then it's a car I'm after. I want a Toyota Corolla. No exceptions or substitutes lol.

I guess that's about it for now. I'm just killing time since the cable is being all gay and there's nothing to watch.

I'm out for now.

Cheers.

Will you sing a requiem for me?

2006-01-22T16:52:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time since I wrote in here but the thoughts haven't stopped.

Every now and then I fall into this....silence. It's not quite depression but it's akin to it. While I'm in this state I try to validate my existence. I try to think about why I'm here, about what I've been doing and if any one cares.

During this time I think about my past and the thoughts that I used to have. The ones where I wondered if it would have been better had I never existed in the first place. Then there wouldn't be so much pain. I wouldn't have so much pain. Neither would my mother, father, brother, grandparents....the list goes on....

I'm not as obsessed with those thoughts as I used to be. Now it's another breed entirely.

I'm struggling. Struggling to identify myself and to see if I can really live in the 'real' world. I'm so close to graduation and I'm so close to being an 'adult' that it scares me more than anything else in this world. Can I function in this type of world? Is there a place for me? The things I want to do, see, and achieve, are they even possible?

Ah. I'm so tired. My head hurts. It hurts all the time. My hands and feet are cold even though I'm wearing slippers and the heat is all the way up. My hands are always cold. It's because I'm the ice queen.

Now I'm scattered all over the place. This won't do. This won't do at all.

Perhaps now is the time to turn my attention to the ever growing mound of school work.

Perhaps.

I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd

2006-01-10T20:48:00.000-05:00

I got to see T'Nasha over the Winter Break. It was fun. We only got to see each other for a little bit, and it makes me miss her hardcore now that I don't know when I'll see her again, but I was happy.

I was happy that I could see her and Mark and get to know Mark a bit better and to see how happy she is makes me smile. I can see it in her eyes and I can sense it when she talks about him. She may have broken promises to herself, but I think, in the long run, this time will be better. Or I will have to take action. We don't want that lol

Going out for lunch today with Angela and last week with Mandeep and Steph reminds me that I can relax, enjoy my life and be happy. That it's ok for things to be going well for me. That it's ok that I'm doing fair in school. That it's ok to sing random song lyrics outside in public, causing some people to cross the sidewalk so they don't come near me and make my friend's faces turn red.

I've lived for so long with this burden, this thought that I had to be miserable. That I'm useless etc etc etc. I am not. If I'm miserable, it's because I keep thinking about what makes me unhappy and that NEVER helps. I can be happy. I can live without the fear that I'm going to screw up.

I refuse. I refuse to let these stupid memories and thoughts drag me down.

I'm glad that I have friends who remind me of that.

I need to make a lunch date with Kate. We need to discuss tattoo stuff, she's STILL got a DVD of mine lol AND the fact that I haven't seen her since BEFORE Winter Break. It's madness I tell you.

Mandeep, Kate and I are all graduating this year. We're all going on to bigger and better things, taking that next step to becoming functional adults (am I functional? Would I EVER be functional? I think that would be scary)

Either way, we're moving on and moving out!

Catch you on the flip side.

The Lights are on but there's No One home

2006-01-10T07:59:00.000-05:00

It's been a while.

I quit my job because my manager is basically a theif and I don't want to be mixed up in that. There's that and the fact that I was only working one night a week anyhow. Friday nights from 5-9. That's it. That's barely a paycheque of $120 by the end of the month. Can't pay bills with that.

Things have been going well. Classes have started up this term and I've already replaced one. Most of my classes are at 8:30 am and the latest I'm done is 1:30. Tuesday I have a night class so that day of the week doesn't count.

Meeting up with Angela for lunch today. Should prove to be fun. I haven't seen her since before Winter Break.

I went to the gym yesterday for an hour. Fun fun. Thursday is Tae Kwon Do, and I think I might go. It depends.

I'm getting my hair permed on Thursday. It should look nice. Just a loose one. I don't want to look like a poodle.

That's it for now. Gotta jump in the shower.

Cheers.

I want to be the one to make myself insane

2005-12-27T01:13:00.000-05:00

Well Christmas has come and gone. And man, what a Christmas. I think it was the worst one yet. But I'll talk about the fun stuff first, because that makes me feel better.

Marty and I went to his Omi's the night before Christmas and got spoiled. His sister and her husband gave me three shirts, two of which I would like to add are PINK lol. Omi gave me a scarf/glove/tuque set along with a mixing bowl with a spout, potpourri, candle holders, a porcelain fairy/angel doll which is really cute.

Then was Christmas day. Marty gave me a Sony Walkman Bean which is BLUE and a fog/humidifier lamp which is also blue but useless in a basement lol. But I'll put it up soon enough.....I hope.... Then he also put lots of candy and chocolate in my stocking.
At Grandma's my aunt gave me a book of art which depicts Fairies and Angels from the ages. Some pieces are from the 1700's. She also gave me a little Libra book. My grandparents gave me two sweaters, a little pewter pill box that I put my stud earrings in, lotion, bed socks, a teddy bear with my first initial embroidered on the scarf ( by my grandma of course! My cousin got one too. ) and in my stocking was lots and lots of goodies I can't even remember. My other aunt gave me 'Cinderella' because she's been buying me Disney DVD's for Christmas and my birthday for a long time now. I LOVE it! My cousin got me a shirt, body butter, BRIGHT NEON SOCKS and some perfume that smells like Peach Schnapps.

We all had a great time while grandma cooked the food. She had fallen down the stairs a few weeks before which left her with a very swollen ankle, but she hasn't heard about her x-rays yet, so I'm sure it can't be broken or she would have been notified.

My Dad called me Christmas Day and we both got mad that the package he had sent me in the mail hadn't arrived on time. I think I may get it on Tuesday this week.

While at my grandparents my mother showed up with my brother and her jack-ass boyfriend. Not cool. There was so much tension between everyone that it was unbearable. I ended up working myself into a panic and had to take a puff of my inhaler (yeah, I'm asthmatic. I ROCK) which didn't go over on my body well, probably because it had never had that type of inhaler inside it before.

My mom was a super bitch which totally killed my happy spirit. After she left I was harassed by my aunt and grandmother about forgiveness and that crap. I mean, I'm all for giving people another chance, but what are you supposed to do when there are NO MORE chances left for certain people? She's used them up. Every time I try to explain that, they all try to make me hug her and act like nothing's wrong. They tell me that they don't want that, but the things they say and the way they act show me they do. I'm so sick of it. It's pisses me off more than anything in the world.

Anyways, other than that, things are going well. I've been to the gym so far, not to work out yet. I'm not even going to TRY until after New Years. Apparently the Barbeque that Gareth has is EPIC and we're all going to eat our faces off.

Fun thing though is that T'Nasha is coming over tomorrow with Mark! YAY! I haven't decided if we're going to eat Chinese or Spaghetti. It all depends on my guests! That also means I have to get my ass in gear and finish her present!

Ta-ta for now! Finally, the pillow calls my name.

Fear will always make you blind

2005-12-20T11:25:00.000-05:00

I recently got in contact with an old friend of mine from my younger years. Granted we only knew each other for two years, it was still a major part of my life and hers.

She's moved on so well since those days. She's married and happy; things I've always wished for her. I must admit I was a little surprised to find she had been looking for me. I've been spending these years trying to forget and she's been trying to remember. Well, she's found me now!

As I talked with her about one of our mutual friends and what has become of him, I realized something. He had never grown up and I had spent the 15 years we had known each other trying to save him. I think the biggest thing he ever taught me was that I can't save every one, no matter how much I might want to.

I wonder where this newfound friendship will lead us. She's told me that since I've missed her wedding, I've got to be there for the birth of her children lol.

Nothing can hurt us any more because we've been there, done that. We've both gone through hell and back since we last spoke and that has always been what makes us a special kind of friend.

But Christmas is coming! I have all my presents wrapped and put under my Christmas Wall. We don't have room for a tree, nor do we have one, so I put the stockings on the wall and I put the presents under them. It's quite interesting. My home-made present for T'Nasha is almost done. I've got some of the pieces out and together, it's just a matter of finishing the whole thing. I hope I get to see her this break. I think she might be able to come around on the 27th or 28th. We will have super-mega-happy-fun-times!!

Anyways, I've got to get going. Meeting up with the girls for lunch before work.

Cheers!

Lose Yourself to the Music, the Moment

2005-12-11T10:31:00.000-05:00

The last few days have been kind of a blur. They all happened so fast and it feels like there are weeks between, but that's not the case.

Let's start with Friday. Friday I worked like a dog as usual and I ended up scoring the early shift so I was done by 6:30, a rare occurance and not going to happen again. I take the bus home because I'm so sure Marty won't be back from work yet and after fighting the cold I get to my nice warm apartment and I open the doors and who's there? Marty. He was all clean and relaxed. He turns to me and says: 'What are you doing here?' Then I had to explain I was done work and I had told him that in the morning that I was going to be done.

Anyways. I get dragged out to Burlington because the Boy's were having a Boy's Night so Julie, Gareth's girlfriend, kidnaps me and I ended up in a strip club in Brampton. It was interesting. It's more theatrical than anything. It was called The Foxxes Den and there's one here in the Hammer. Somehow I don't think I'll be going any time soon lol

I ended up spending the night at Julie's house and she drove me to Burlington the next day so that Gareth could drive me home because she had to work. I had fun times with Gareth. We went to look at a car he wanted to buy and I got to go with him for the test drive and stuff. I think all the people at the dealership thought I was his girlfriend lol We took the car to CT and I saw Marty which was nice since I hadn't seen him since I left with Julie the night before.

Gareth and I went back and he signed all his papers and stuff and he drove me home. I worked Moonlight Madness which was insane. But before work I called my grandmother and got into it with her. She really ticked me off too. But then I talked to T'Nasha online and she calmed me down and reminded me about how much I miss her. I miss her lots and lots but her Christmas present is almost done! We just have to work out a time to actually SEE eachother over break.

Apparently my mother and brother may be showing up to Christmas this year and I was ordered to get a gift for each of them. Well, needless to say, I'm not. There's no way I'm going to get gifts for people I don't care about.

Which reminds me about people I do care about. I still have to write my dad a letter and tell him what's going on on Christmas and where I'll be if he wants to call me and such.

I should get going. Work Christmas Party tonight and I still have to wrap my secret Santa gift. Then this will be interesting.

Afterwards, I'm going to come home, do laundry, and study my brains out. Two exams this week. Tuesday and Wednesday.

Let's GO!

All in all the day is done

2005-12-03T14:26:00.000-05:00

Got a long shift ahead of me tonight. Means I'll get a break, not that I do much with them anyways.

Last time I bought some clothes for work because we all have to dress 'trendy' and those of you who know me, know I like to wear a certain pair of sweat pants and some kind of comfy shirt. Can't wear that at work!

Things have been going well. My rent is going up $15 because the land lord is putting in a washer and dryer. I don't mind at all! It's quite nice, knowing I'll be able to wash my clothes without having to venture out into the cold or walk down the street. The only thing I'm worried about is the noise of the dryer because the room they're putting everything in is right next to my closet and my living room. I'm a tad worried about where all the hot air from the dryer is going to go, but I'm sure they know what they're doing.

Got paid. That was nice. Put a huge chunk on my visa and come monday I'm going to pay my cell bill. With my next paycheque I can pay off my visa completely and start saving for rent for Jan. It'll be a nice paycheque and so will the next one since I'm working so much over Winter break. Kinda excited to work a lot and kind of tired just thinking about it.

But anyways, I have to get going. The bus only runs every half hour on the weekend and I don't want to be late for work!

Cheers!

Escape

2005-12-02T14:18:00.000-05:00

I've been planning my escape for a while now.

I'm saving up so that I can fly over to Japan to visit my friend Kate while she's there teaching next year some time. It's going to cost a bit, so I'm starting now. I'm really excited and grateful that she's giving me this chance to do something I've wanted to for a while.

I had been thinking before of going there to teach myself and if I weren't dating Marty, there would be no question. I would be going. But I don't think I can go and leave him for so long like that.

But this is just the beginning of my escape. This will be taking place in the next year or so. Maybe year and a half. Not sure yet.

Either way, once I'm done college, I plan to go to British Columbia to live and work for a summer. I don't know if Marty will come with me for that long or not, but he did say he wanted to come to Japan with me, even though I don't really want him to. Japan is something I want to experience by myself. It's something special to me and seperate from him, you know?

I'd also like to live and work in New Brunswick for a year, so that I can be close to my dad again and learn about that side of my family.

My grandparents nor any one else in the family have any idea that I'm planning ANY of this. I know my grandmother would freak out if I told her I was saving up to fly to Japan and stay there for a week or something like that. She wouldn't like me going to British Columbia for a summer either. She wouldn't like a lot of things that I've been deciding and I know she doesn't.

She doesn't respect my decision to distance myself from my mother so that I don't lose control and possibly freak out and do something I would regret. I still have a lot of issues when it comes to her and it's really hard for me to stop thinking about the part of my past that involves her. I'm working on it though. I'm going to ask my counsellor next time I see him if he knows of any anger-management classes I could take some where. I need to control it.

That's about it for now. I've got to get going to my last Death and Dying class EVER and write my last test. Sit through my last boring lecture and then I'm off to work!

Cheers!

Here I Am Alone Again And I'm Talking To Myself.....Again

2005-12-01T00:40:00.000-05:00

If I showed you something, if I let you in these walls and gave you a peek at the reality within, what would you say? Would you laugh? Scream in horror? Cry? Would you take my weaknesses and use them against me? Would you deny me your friendship? Would you reaffirm my fears and tell me it was never that way to begin with?

I am my own worst enemy. Have you said that to yourself too? Do you over analyze and think that every one is against you?

Are you as afraid as I am to tell some one that they mean a lot to you in case they think you're 'coming on too strong' or they don't actually value you on the same level?

Even when some one tells you that you mean a lot to them, do you think they're lying like I think?

Here I am conversing with myself in the middle of the night before a morning class and a long shift at work. Will any one else even read this? If they do, will they say anything? Most likely not and I don't write to get a response. I write to unleash; to allow the feelings and thoughts that bother me out of their cage so that they won't end up killing me in the end.

I can hear the clock ticking and the sound of my fingers typing away is almost deafening. What will I do after this? Will I try to go to sleep again or will I write my story?

Ah, my stories. Other avenues I escape on. Other ways for me to occupy myself so that I don't keep thinking of things that bother me.

Like now.

Things like my mother. Things like my grandparents lecturing me until I scream.

I'm supposed to forgive. I'm supposed to move on. I'm supposed to let go. I'm supposed to do a lot of things.

How can you forgive that? How can you just FORGET that those terrible things happened and the one that did them to you is coming back? That they're trying to make themselves a part of your life so that they can take credit for the places you've been and the things you've achieved? How can you move on from a stage in your life when there are those that serve to remind you of what happened? How can you keep giving chances to people only to have them throw it back in your face as they stab you in your heart?

How do you deal with those who are supposed to protect you, yet instead they poison you, betray you and kill you with everything they say and do? How can you get over that? How much support are you going to need?

Why do I keep taking? Why do I keep needing support from others? Can't I help myself?

Honestly, I'm better at helping other people than I am at helping myself. That's why I want to be a youth counsellor; so that I can help the young people of today and tomorrow with the experience from yesterday. So I can show them and tell them my mistakes so that they can learn and make better choices. So they can live the lives we were meant to have.

Your life was miserable too. You've had your share of woe and pain. You have an understanding of mine. Neither of us has been through the same thing, but it's close enough that we can share. That we can both help each other live on.

How many years until we stop seeing each other? How much longer before our lives take us to different places and we drift away? Can I really call you 'forever friend'? Can you call me that?

'All good things must come to an end' some one once said. It's true. I've had many good things come to an end. Many.

If I told you to stay away, would you listen? If I told you I would only bring you pain, would you care? If I told you I was poison to all around me, would you flee?

I don't want to see you any more. You mean nothing to me, yet you keep trying to come back. You are a demon of my past and I don't want to keep exorcizing you. The pain you inflict is terrible, it hurts more than anything I've ever known. You can't just come back and think everything is fine because it suits you. You can't try and take the credit for all the things I've accomplished because you want to make yourself look good. Can you recall one single, solitary thing that you have done to get me here other than giving birth to me? You raised me because it was your job. If you could have gotten out of it, you would have.

YOU HAVE NO GODDAMN RIGHT to come waltzing back in like you own the place. You have NO RIGHT to act as if everything I've achieved is because of you, or that I owe you anything.

I owe you nothing.

There's still so much pain. So much angst and hurt. So many emotions that you keep stirring up.

If I have to forsake everything to be rid of you, do I have the strength to do it? Do I have the heart? The power? Can I?

I don't want to.

I'm afraid to.

Don't make me choose.

Because if I choose to leave, I'm never coming back.

Ever.

You Remind Me of The Times When I Knew Who I Was

2005-11-29T15:24:00.000-05:00

When I'm lonely and feeling sad, I don't really know what to do with myself. I sit here at this computer and I type something that has little meaning to any one other than myself. I throw myself into the stories I write or I watch certain shows over and over until I still cry at all the emotional parts even though I know what' s coming.

I don't feel particularly close to any one except one person. And it's an odd closeness I guess you could say. I can't even remember how or why we started being friends. We don't talk that often but then when we do, I know she'll listen if I need her to. I know she'll scold me and tell me I'm being stupid if I need her to. I know she'll be happy for me if I need her to. I've stopped worrying as to whether she feels the same because that's how I feel. I try to be there for her and she knows it. She knows she can talk to me about anything she wants, no matter how painful it is and I will listen.

Still there are times when I feel like I can't talk to any one. There are times when I'm so overwhelmed by the fake concern of others that I want to scream at them all. But I can't do that. To them, it's genuine. To me, it's fake. I can't tell them that their emotions aren't real to me.

Most often I'm swept away by my own self-doubt and I drown in my own created misery. It's a hard rut to break out of. Lord is it hard. There is so much I should be happy for, grateful for. So much that I should appreciate but I keep focusing on my problems. I have to stop that. I have to get over it. Focus on the good....

Maybe some day I can be the kind of person people are proud to call their friend. Perhaps some day I can be the kind of person that makes other people smile, that helps them with their problems and listens to their woes.

I hope. I pray. I wish.

I can.

Jaded

2005-11-26T15:19:00.000-05:00

I didn't really go to school at all this past week. I haven't been online much either.

No particular reason. I just needed a break. I only went to the classes that had something due and that was it. I didn't even stay for the entirety of one of them anyways.

I learned actually going to my Shakespeare class with it's current professor is a waste of time. She does nothing worth listening to. All she does is talk about what happens in the play without any elaboration. I've read the plays. I know what's going on. I thought she was just like that for one of the ones we've read, but it turns out she's like that for all of them. I'm hoping the new prof we get next term won't be so bad.

I only have 4 exams which is nice. I have a test this coming Friday and work is going well.

Since I wasn't around for about a week I got a few e-mails from concerned friends, freaking out. I think they can't have been all that concerned because not once did any of them pick up the phone. I don't care or anything, I just think it's weird that they only e-mailed me after I sent them a forwarded message from my e-mail I thought was cool. Only then did I get concerned e-mails in return.

Whatever. No skin off my nose.

I've got to get going to work any how.

Cheers.

The Ususpecting Victim

2005-11-20T12:11:00.000-05:00

Well! Am I ever glad that Marty went back to Canadian Tire, or CT as the 'Crew' likes to call it.

Went to the Christmas party last night. Man. There was food, dancing, all the women got presents, it was crazy!

It was Marty, Me, Julie, Gareth R. , Cassandra, Gareth J. , Rich and Tish. We all got to sit at a table together which was pretty swank. Gareth R got a tad drunk out of his mind and it was fun to watch.

I was a little drunk around dinner time. I had had two glasses of wine at Gareth R's, a vodka and sprite at the hall, and a glass of red wine before dinner, AND I hadn't drank much all day....I was a cheap date.

"Hello. My name is Cheap Date....."

Cassandra made me dance all night and my feet were killing me by the end of the night. Like, burning and such. Julie felt my pain.

Cassandra took loads of pictures. I hope I get to get some copies. I could even borrow them and scan them to my comp and then print them out on the photo paper I still have from a present I made for my dad.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I've been writing this essay for one of my classes and I just can't get into it. I'm about 500 words short right now. It's not due until this coming Wednesday, so maybe I can fix it up before then. That means I have to actually go to my Shakespeare class....I'm going tomorrow for sure because I have a doctor's appointment right after so that will make me stay for the whole thing and then Wed I have to hand in the essay so I will go and stay once more.

There are two movies I am dying to see. One would be: "Memoirs of a Geisha" and "Rent".

I REALLY wanna see "Rent" because I always wanted to see it on stage, but I never got the chance. So hopefully the movie is as good as it looks.

That's about it for now. I am once again foodless in my apartment but I have clementines, so I'm going to eat like, fifty right.....now.

Winter Wonderland

2005-11-19T11:58:00.000-05:00

Work yesterday was partially horrible.

When I got there, the fire alarm was going off and we had to evacuate the entire mall. Yeah, fun times.

Then it seemed alright. I was trying to ring in a purchase for myself and when I went to make a comment I hit the wrong buttons and the screen went retarded. So Mariana and I just tried to close it and open it again and the program wouldn't let us log in. We called our manager, we called the emergency girl in Alberta but her phone was off. Then we called Head Office which you only do under EXTREME emergencies, but there wasn't any one there. So we were kinda flipping out and had to do some purchases by hand. Then we restarted the computer and it was fine.

THEN, oh no folks. I'm not done yet! Then this man and his son wanted to buy a necklace and earrings for the boys mother for Christmas and as I was walking over to the cash register to do it all up, the fire alarm started going off again. It goes off slow which is like a warning and once it goes fast, we have to evacuate. So it was going slow and I was trying to ring in this purchase as fast as possible so that in the event we had to evacuate they could just leave. BUT when I was entering the extended comment about the exchange dates, it decided to delete one of the purchases so I had to reenter it and then redo the comment. I could tell the dad wasn't too pleased but I apologized like crazy anyways.

So that was my day at work. Then Marty picks me up and tells me we can't go to my grandparents today because he decided to work and they aren't going to be home now until Wednesday because they're going on a coach trip with their Anglo-Indian group and they leave on Sunday. Yay.....I don't get to see my grandma for like, ever. Not fun.

Anyways, I should throw some clothes on so I can meander over to the laundromat and wash my clothes. I'm going to work on my essay while I'm there I think.

Should be fun I guess.

The Tick Tock of the Clock is Painful

2005-11-17T10:58:00.000-05:00

Poorness has washed over me like dirty water in the Erie Lake. It sucks, it stinks and I don't like it.

But it will get better. This Friday I'm supposed to be getting paid by at least one of the two jobs that owe me. It's just a little, but it will help with my Visa bill.

I'm finished Christmas shopping for the following people: My cousin Tash, both my aunts and Marty's sister. I have my grandparents, my cousins, Marty and T'Nasha. I'm making T'Nasha's so I work on it whenever I can.

I also finished applying to College yesterday. It cost quite a bit. But it's done and now all I have to do is wait and see if I'm going to get accepted. I don't see why I won't, it's Mohawk after all, but still. They may not want me.

I'm stuffed up to all hell right now, my eyes hurt and my chest/breathing is pissing me off. This better get fixed. I have a breathing test on Dec 5th. Yay.

My work is having a potluck on Dec 4th. I'm making Cremé De Mente Cheesecake. It has liquer in it. Mwahahahaha. That should be intersting to try and MAKE no doubt. If I screw it up, I'll cry.

I think I'm going to take an allergy pill, my stupid inhaler and eat something now.

Cheers.

Letting Out The Noise Inside of Me

2005-11-14T23:35:00.000-05:00

Oh god. I am so screwed.

I haven't been to some of my classes in weeks. I don't care to get up and go. I don't want to go. I'm so sick of it all. It seems like such bullshit. Sometimes I just want to quit and work until I go to Mohawk. But then I think about what a waste that would be. I'm so close so close to getting my BA. I will stick it out, but I'm so tired.

Work was interesting tonight. I worked with Sophia whom I will now refer to as Dex from now on as she has an OBSESSION with Windex. Yes, Windex. I'm serious. She cleans everything up before I blink and I don't even do a thing! It makes me feel kinda useless, but it's not like she's complaining that I'm not helping. Some times I have to DEMAND that she leave some parts of it for me.

Two funny stories. Well, a mention and a story. The mention is this HOT guy that came in tonight. I'm talking dead sexy. Turns out he's a firefighter and is in a calendar. He's got a nice smile and from what I could see, a nice body. Dex says she met him through work, which is weird. He was a nice guy though.

Story. Dex and I were closing up when these two guys come in. They're walking around and looking at the stuff that's on sale. We're having a huge ass sale right now. Then they start chatting with us and I'm being all friendly and such as normal. Turns out 0ne just graduated from MAC in Engineering and the other currently attends. They asked Dex and I what we're up to and the one just got new glasses and a blazer, his friend made him put on a fashion show for us, which was kinda funny. Then they introduce themselves as Greg and Daniel, shake our hands and chat it up a bit then leave, cuz I had to shut the doors and they weren't buying anything.

So Dex and I are like, 'What the hell? That was interesting' and we continued to close up. THEN, yes people, there's more, there's a knock on the door and it's those boys. We both say hello again and then the guys asked us where is a good place to go for a drink and if Dex and I are available. I was like, 'I'm not sure around here, but we're not available anyways' Then Dex told them our boyfriends might get mad if we go out with strange other men. They said it was worth a shot. They took the rejection like champs and the one, Greg, said he was going to wave if he saw me on campus. I told him I would try and remember who he was.

That was THE MOST fun I've had at work. I felt flattered too.

Back to the whole school mess, I feel so screwed. I mean, it's not that I don't give a rat's ass about my education or anything like that but....I just want to get it over with. I'm overloading this year which means I'm taking 6 classes a term instead of the customary 5 and it's killing me. I can't wait for Christmas break. I don't understand how we get a reading week in Feb, but nothing in 1st term. So tired.

Well, I've got to study for a test tomorrow and write an essay before I even THINK about going to sleep. Marty's already snoring his head off and that's a whole other topic I don't want to touch right now.

Cheers.

Why Ketchup and I don't Mix

2005-11-08T08:53:00.000-05:00

I went out for dinner/lunch with my girlfriends last Friday. I have this obsession with trying the chicken fingers wherever I go because I really like them and once I find the place that has the best, I'll eat there all the time.

So we go to this pub in Westdale, Tap Haüs. I order the chicken fingers and after a while the girl comes out to tell me there's no plum sauce, but I don't care anyways. I just have ketchup.

So while we're waiting for food we all have a nice bitch out session and I talk about my new job, which I was dressed for, because I had to work that night.

Food comes and the waitress brings two ketchup bottles. Mandeep takes one I take the other. The ketchup in my bottle is all at the bottom so I turned it upside down and shook it so I could get it out.

Well.

As soon as I open the bottle we all hear this dull "Foom" sound. Next thing I know, I've got ketchup on my face, glasses, neck, chest, legs. Kate is sitting across from me and it gets on her and the wall. It's on the chair to my left and Steph's arm to my right. There was ketchup EVERYWHERE!

So, I'm sitting there like, WTF and the waitress brings over some napkins. NAPKINS. I went to the bathroom to clean up as much as possible. Ate my food which was hella good, and then when the bill comes, I'm fully charged for my meal. I mean, they didn't even give me my drink for free or nothing. And there's a little note from the waitress apologizing for the ketchup. She told me that sometimes when they fill up the bottles, the ketchup gets under pressure and it blows up like that. I've also heard that ketchup only explodes when it's RANCID, but what do I know?

So that was my lovely Friday. I had to run home and wash my hair in the sink because I didn't have time to take another shower and put stain remover on my clothes as fast as possible. Greeeeeeat.

Have fun with that! I kinda wish there was a picture because it is funny as hell, but still man, now I have to boycot Tap Haüs because they did that. *sigh*

I'll get over it.

OOOOOOO.....SHINY

2005-11-04T12:22:00.000-05:00

Well, I've started my new job in the mall this past week.

I work in a jewelry store which is soooo nice. Tad expensive, but that's because everything is real silver, cubic zirconia, amythest, blue topaz, mother of pearl, fresh water pearl, garnet or peridot. And amber. And diamonds. And probably some other things I'm forgetting. It's so nice in that store. The people I work with don't act like stupid high school kids, which is nice.

I just started training. It's not hard. Just a lot of stuff to remember. Like where all the gems come from, what grade our diamonds are etc etc etc.

It's been a long time since I talked to some of my friends. We're all spread out all over the place and it's hard for us all to get together.

Marty has been job hopping. He's trying to figure out where the best place for him to work right now is. He's going to be opening his own shop in about a year from now.

So all you hammer people, take your car to Marty's Garage! There. That was my business plug.

The creativity still hasn't come back. Kinda annoying, but I don't really have time anyways I guess. Meh.

I have a test next week that I should study for. Haven't gone to the class all week.....maybe I should get on that.

I just don't seem to care this year. I don't give a shit about how I do. I just want to graduate and get going....bah.

Coagulation

2005-10-29T13:26:00.000-04:00

My head is pounding and I don't know why.

The creativity that I know flows in my veins has been stifled. It's frustating. I can't write. There is so much I need to express, there is a chapter left undone, a story unfinished and I am incompetent to do it.

Boredom has seeped in and I am lounging around an apartment that is empty except for myself.

Goddamn.

I just want to write. I just want to create but I can't even do that. It's driving me crazy and I don't know the cure. I've tried different music, scents, clothes even for crying out loud!

Bah.

I guess I'll figure something out. I usually do.

It's not the same without you here

2005-10-28T17:01:00.000-04:00

The air is chilly and the leaves are falling. While I quickly walk through the dead leaves that litter the ground I think of you with every crunch.

You love this weather.

As I sit before my computer, stabbing at the keyboard with strange reverence, I am wearing my 'rebel' pants, and I think of you.

You hate these pants.

When I get up to go to the corner store to grab something we're out of, I think of you and our late night runs to the MiniMart for ice cream sandwiches and over priced chocolate bars.

That was our thing.

But now we're so far away and I never get to see you any more. It's been a long time and I miss you every day.

Soon enough, we will see each other again and we will make new memories.

Soon.