I'm Alright, I'm Gonna Make It, Even if I Have to Fake It

So this past saturday was my cousin's engagement party.

I thought it went well. I forgot to get a card and since I can't drive yet, I couldn't go get the present I wanted to. So we came empty handed. I felt bad, but what can I do? It's not like I'm loaded.

Well.

Apparently some one told my cousin that I was saying rude things to her. So instead of CALLING me and finding out, she texts me and of course, I can't tell emotions via text, so I ended up getting hysterical. Yes people. I had an emotional breakdown yesterday. Then she gets on my case for not bringing a card. I called my grandma to find out what the hell was going on and SHE gets on my case too about not bringing a card. So I flipped.

I when balistic on my grandmother. Poor woman. But she was there and it's not like she's all innocent either. Half the time when I talk to her, she makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Unconsciously she compares me to my cousins and then I get the lecture about my mother.

I'm starting to hate families. They're so suffocating, like their hands are constantly around my neck and squeezing as hard as they can. I know they don't mean to be that way, but they are. Some times I wish both my parents were dead and I lived far away so that I wouldn't have to put up with this crap any more. My family seriously sucks. Yes, they're there for me when I need them, and I try to be there for them when I can, but I'm always feeling like I'm not good enough. Why can't I be good enough the way I am? Apparently my family isn't criticizing me as much as I think they are. But whatever.

I can't believe that my cousin would believe that I would say something rude about her. I've lived my life with her as a goal; she's beautiful, successful, intelligent. Everything I've been taught to be and been compared against. Yes, there have been times when I've been jealous of her, but that was years ago. I'm nothing like her. Nothing at all. Maybe it's better that way.

I don't want to be like the people in my family but I am. I can't escape what's in my blood from both sides. I hate it. I hate it all and I don't want to be a part of it. I don't want to have all these expectations thrown on me like this. Stop pressuring me.

As for Marty, apparently I'm his keeper. He said something at the party that was rude, I suppose. I don't know. It's not like I'm with him every second of every day. We're just dating. But apparently we're freakin married the way people talk. I hate that too. If some one has a problem with something he said, take it up with him. Don't talk to me and tell me to talk to him about it. Talk to HIM. He's a big boy. I'm sure he can take it.

And after I got off the phone with my grandmother and being all hysterical, he was asleep. That kind of pissed me off. He couldn't even stay awake long enough to make sure I was ok. What the hell is that?

Whatever. If it's going to be me against the world, FINE. I can do that. I don't want help or pity or presents or money or whatever. I'm sick of this. Since my grandparents cosigned on a credit line for me, it's like they own me. They're constantly breathing down my neck about money. Trust me, if I could do it without their signatures, I would. If I get OSAP next year, I won't need them. It will be me.

Other news, I have my assessment at College this wednesday. I have a job interview tomorrow. Hopefully good things will come of both.

Out.