Sing it Back

Hello Hello!

News! It's good news too.

Since my last post, I have spoken with the store manager and guess what? I got promoted and a raise!!

I am now a full time Sales associate and I make over $10 an hour. It's sweet. I'm very excited.

Christmas is coming up fast too. The store has been insanely busy because of christmas shoppers. I predict it will either be retarded busy on Christmas Eve Day, or stupid slow. Not sure yet. I don't work again until Friday, so I'll go by how that turns out. I can't wait to work Boxing Day either because I'll be making time and a half. I know. It rocks.

Now, as promised, the pictures/ideas for the next tattoos I'd like to get:


This is a dragon picture I'd like across from my fairy. It would be facing the other way though, so that it looks at the fairy. I could get all into what the meanings of my tattoos are, but I don't think any one cares too much about that lol






This one I want to get at the base of my neck.
It works as the symbol for libra and the symbol of omega. It makes sense to me. :P If you don't like it, tough nuts!


Below the tattoo of libra I want the kanji for 'I balance' or just 'Balance'. My girlfriend Kate is supposed to be helping me out with that one since she's all about Japanese :P I'm not sure if this image is correct, but it's the only one I could find.

That's about it for now, tattoo wise. It's going to cost me, of course. I'm thinking about getting them done in Feb if I have the money for it.

Since Marty and I don't have a christmas tree, I went about decorating this chair we have. So now I've got a christmas chair! How many people can say that? In the picture here, you can see all the presents. None of them are mine. These are all the ones I got for Marty. The presents for my friends from work and for T'Nasha and Rob have to wait until I get paid next friday. Don't think I forgot about you guys! You'll get them in Jan when I see you.

And my friends, that is all for today! Ta-ta for now!

This is my story

The beginning and the end all have me winding up in the same place.

There are things that need to be done, words that need to be said. Places that need to be seen and people that need to be forgotten.

It's the forgetting that's the hardest part. There are some that won't let you forget them no matter how hard you try to. And then, when you do forget them, you are forced to be reminded of them when you don't want to be. Some people are so much a part of you that it's difficult to remove yourself from them. From where they end and where you begin. From where you end and they begin.

Most often I run away. I've been running my whole life. I run and run but the path doesn't get any shorter and the goals are never reached. How long can I keep on running? How long can I do this for? The rest of my life?

How long can I go on doing what I think is expected of me and what I have been taught to do? When does the nurturing end? Who said that that was the way I was supposed to be? Perhaps I could have been some one great. But it's not like my life is over. I still have a lot of time left in me. I still have the capacity to become a great writer and have my novels published and appreciated.

I am still the poor graduate working a small time job in a small time place. I have zero dollars to my name and I am anxiously trying to find a way to make more money. There is a limit to where I can work and make the money I need to survive.

Could I do this on my own? If I wasn't with this boy and living in this house, where would I be now? Is this the place where I should rest, where I should stop running? I still feel as though I'm running away from him and from the pressures. Pressure? What pressure should there be? I'm just his girlfriend. We aren't married, we aren't engaged. We are dating and living together.

Have I ever lived out on my own?

Have I ever survived by what I created, found and earned? I've been relying on others for everything. My education, where I live, my car, the only thing I got on my own so far was my job and even that isn't enough. It's not enough to live on. It's not enough to survive on. But where else is there for me to look? I check the job bank every day. Every day. I apply to jobs that advertise more than what I make without my having to go far. I can't leave the city for work. Where would I live? I don't even have enough money or the resources for first and last months rent on any type of accomodation.

There is an idea floating in the air. The idea of my staying in Windsor with a friend of mine in the new year for a few months. Working part time at the H&M there if allowed and getting another part time job at a place that would enable me to make a lot of money. It's an idea only however and usually these ideas die before they have the chance to live.

This is me. Your average twenty three year old girl who has graduated with an English degree and lives with her boyfriend. She only likes to eat boring foods and could probably survive on rice and popcorn alone. Ah, don't forget the beans on toast.

Whoever thought finding yourself would take this long or be this hard? Or is it that I'm looking in all the wrong places? Or that I'm looking too hard? It could be just that I'm lazy. I'm oh so lazy.

Sorry I lied about the images of my newest tattoo ideas being posted this time. I decided to get all introspective.

Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean

Discovered some really good music. What can I say? I'm a sucker for a good beat.

Went to see T'Nasha in Waterloo this past Saturday. I was really happy to see her again. I haven't seen her since the end of July I think. See how long it's been? We went out to East Side Mario's for dinner then went to the LCBO for some booooooooze and just chilled back at her boyfriends house. It was some good times. We looked at all her pictures from Thailand which was cool. Mark had some pictures too. I think it took us two hours to look at them all.

After that Marty and I came home and I enjoyed a weekend off.

I got invited out for tomorrow night. I'm kind of excited because I haven't been out (excluding this past weekend) since the summer to get really. I'm going out with the people from my buddy's house and I left a note at work for one of my coworkers since we're going to the campus pub and he lives near by. I might see a girl from work there too because she's going to the AIDS benefit thing that occurs before the club opens up. It'll be interesting to see people outside of work.

I'm excited for Christmas to be coming soon as well. I'm done most of my shopping. Just a few things for my one friend and stocking stuffers for the boy. I'm pretty sure he hasn't done ANY shopping yet. He's one of those night-before-freaking-out-because-he-left-it-to-the-last-minute guys. I just hope he gets what I wanted instead of trying to buy me something ridiculous.

Things at work are getting pretty tight. It's crazy how many people want to leave. I hope I can find a full time job soon. Hopefully before the end of the year, but I'm not holding my breath. I'm not stupid. Vinnie (a woman I work with) told me she's going to help me out as much as she can which is awesome.

Anyways, I think we're headed over to Gareth and Julie's house. Need to see my fiance!

Next time I post I'll be posting pictures of what my future tattoos on my back are going to be and a picture of the one I have now so you guys can all get an idea of what's going to be happening when I have money.....which so far, is never :P

Out.

Find Yourself A Girl And Settle Down

This past Friday was the Humanities formal. It was fun times. I got to dress up real pretty and look hawt, so I was happy. I did take a few pictures, but most of them are of random things instead of people.

I've washed my hands of my family. I know I know. Why the hell does she always rant when she finally updates? That's because that's what this thing is for.

I've still got to file withdrawal papers for college, but I'm basically done with that too.

My stomach hurts.......

I think I'm going to write for a while.

Sometimes the Hardest Thing and the Right Thing are the Same

It's been a while. It's always been a while when I finally write in this thing.

Well, a few things have happened. A few big things and a few small things.

Number One: my crisis has passed. Yay!

Number Two: I've taken a step closer to being an adult. Hurrah!

Number Three: Things are finally coming together.

Let me explain.

I've been thinking for a while that I should take some time off school. When I think about it, I've been in school SOLID since I was six years old. I've never taken the time to just work or travel or anything. So, I decided to take a year at least off school starting NOW. Actually, starting last week. Because of it, however, I've applied for Full Time at my job, basically have it in the bag, been given between 30 and 40 hours a week, and given the title of responsible. YAY! It's pretty awesome. So I'm kind of like an assistant manager at H&M in the Hennes department now. This unveiling kind of incorportates numbers one and two and three :P

At their base they are all the same.

Other news is that I had an awesome birthday this past weekend. Went out with some friends and was spoiled rotten. Marty bought me a digital camera which is awesome. I got a sushi set too to eat with and a cookie set complete with cooling racks and cookie cutters. It's sweet. I also got a few inspirational plaques for the wall ( which will go up as soon as I clean the place ) and I got a few gift certificates for Kelsey's/Harvey's/Second Cup which is great for work. I haven't seen T'Nasha yet but apparently I have a sushi set from her too from Thailand.

Next Friday is the Humanities Formal at MAC and I'm going as Rob's date. We went shopping today to pick out his shirt for his suit and for some accents for me so we match. It works out because I'm also his date for his brother's wedding in November and we'll just wear the same things. AND I figure I can wear it again for the Christmas Party at Canadian Tire. GO CT!

My aunt's wedding is this Saturday and I can only make it to the reception, but I plan on going, if only for a little while. I've got to get a card too. Better not forget that.

Today has been pretty laxed with watching anime and doing laundry/dishes etc. I want to take a drive or walk down to Bayfront Park with my camera and take some sunset pictures. I'd better get on it if I plan on doing that soon.

That's all for now. I've got to go move my car before the boy gets home.

Cheers.

All Around Me Are Familiar Faces, Worn Out Places, Worn Out Faces

I'm having a mini crisis. It's so much fun lol

It's just a mini one, so I think I'll be doing just fine. Going to discuss some things and strategies with people who know me best. One down, two more to go in that respect.

I've been busy with work and school, so I haven't had much time to write in here as you can tell. It's my birthday on Sunday. YAY! 23!

Anyways, this is just going to be a short entry. I've got things to do and people to see.

Cheers for now.

Now I'm Having Trouble Differentiating Between What I Want And What I Need To Make Me Happy

The title of this journal is a line from a song. Most of my journal titles are lines from songs. They are either chosen from the song that is playing on my computer at the time of writing, or they are chosen from songs that reflect the mood I am in when I am writing.

Things happen quickly. The way things are today may change tomorrow. The way things were yesterday are nothing like they were today.

Change is not a bad thing. We all go through changes. For better or for worse. People change, situations change, lives change. It's something we all have to accept. Even if we don't like the way things or people have changed, the fact that matters is that they change.

You shouldn't want to change some one to suit yourself. You shouldn't try to force some one to remain the same to suit yourself. I used to do that. I used to be terrified of change; my own personal changing and the changing of life around me. I remained in my past or moments from my past for a long time. I found myself a comfortable place, a suitable role, and I played it to the world. I acted in the fashion that was desired of me. I became the person people wanted and for a long time I was content and the role I played wasn't a lie. It really was who I felt I was. I refused to succumb to the changes that I felt growing inside my heart and soul. I didn't want to leave the person I was to try and become the person I needed to be.

You can't run away from yourself forever. No matter where you go, you will be stuck with your own heart, mind and soul. No one knows you better than you know yourself. Sometimes it feels as though others know you better than you do, but they only know what you allow them to see. There are things inside of all of us that only we know. We may not have accepted those things yet, or even discovered them, but they are there.

In College, I feel alive. I've made friends that I feel I can keep. I've never been very good at that. I usually push people away from me. I don't like people getting too close to me. True, I will tell you every damn detail of my past present and future, but there are times when I suddenly comprehend what I've said to those people and I push them away. All the thoughts I should have been thinking at the time of speech flow through my mind and I worry. I worry long and hard. I worry until I feel as though my heart will explode. Some people pull through this time with me. Some don't. More often not. But the ones who do; the ones that are still willing to talk with me and be near me, these are the people that I will hold dear.

But there are still things that they do not see. They do not see me cry nor do they see me extremely angry. These are still emotions that I lock within my soul. These are still parts of me that I am not willing to show. The day you see me cry, that is the day that you will understand how much I value you. How much I value your friendship, your kind words, your thoughtfulness. Some have seen me on the brink of tears, and that is as close as it will be sometimes.

I haven't had a huge long cry for a long time. I haven't broken down in tears over issues or people for a while. I wonder if that is a good thing? I've spent so much time and energy crying over situations and people. I've spent so much time worrying about how I am viewed, about how others think of me and the impression I make on every one, even members of my family.

It's tiring. I'm sure there are a lot of you out there who know exactly what I mean. Keeping up facades and wearing masks that are only thin reflections of who we are. I've noticed that no matter how many times I try to reinvent myself there are still certain traits that return. Most often these are the traits I try to suppress, but it never works. In my minds eye I see the person I long to be. I see the personality I wish to portray and I know that I will never be that person unless I completely start over with my life. It's too late to do that. It's too late to restart a life twenty three years in the making. This is who I am. I am me. There are parts of me that I cannot change any more.

And slumber calls my name. The pillow whispers to me in a soft and soothing voice and I am hypnotized by the rhythm of the breeze.

I must answer the call.