I Hopelessly, Helplessly, Wonder Why

So much can happen in so short a time. So much.

Marty and I had a fight. Nothing really new here I guess. It was a big one alright. It was on the way to a friend's house. Thank god I am an actress.

It was so big it felt like we broke up. I cried so much last night I woke up with pains in my chest this morning and had to call in sick at my first day of work. The manager didn't seem to mind. She told me that since she was going to be at the other Tim Horton's she manages this weekend that I can come in on Tuesday. I told her I had the stomach flu. How can I explain these pains I have to a total stranger? And had I gone in, my chest would have been bothering me all morning. The pain didn't really go away until about 12 pm.

Today I did the laundry, got rid of all my school stuff from this year, cleaned off the kitchen table that never gets used for it's original purpose, organized the closet a bit, vaccuumed, moped the bathroom floor, and organized all the school books I have. It won't be enough. It never is. Apparently I'm just not good enough. Apparently since I've been out of a job for two weeks due to being laid off I'm taking advantage of Marty.

He told me not to move into his house with him. I said fine. He took it back later, but there is always some truth in what is shouted in anger.

I'm frustrated. A girl I knew back in junior high and the first year of high school is my age. She's got her career in gear, she's married and pregnant. She's 23 just like I am. Where am I?

I'm living in an apartment with my boyfriend while attending school full time and working at Tim Horton's (sort of, still to be negotiated/dealt with). I feel so far behind.

Marty has achieved his goal. He IS a licensed mechanic. He has a shop. He wants to buy a house. Even he is so far a head of me I can't see his back any more.

I feel very out of place. Very.

I'm tired today too. I can't even think about what I want to write in here or in my current story.
Maybe I am useless.

The worst part about the arugment was that he sounded exactly like my mother. Expecting things from me like she did. Dinner, cleaning, so much more. Just like her. There's no point in trying to talk to him about it any more. He doesn't like to talk about things after the fact.

Perhaps he hasn't asked me to marry him because he doesn't WANT to marry me. Who's taking advantage of who now? Who's apartment is this? Who set up everything here?

Bah. It doesn't matter I guess.

I shall go and find something to do with my time.