Now I'm Having Trouble Differentiating Between What I Want And What I Need To Make Me Happy

The title of this journal is a line from a song. Most of my journal titles are lines from songs. They are either chosen from the song that is playing on my computer at the time of writing, or they are chosen from songs that reflect the mood I am in when I am writing.

Things happen quickly. The way things are today may change tomorrow. The way things were yesterday are nothing like they were today.

Change is not a bad thing. We all go through changes. For better or for worse. People change, situations change, lives change. It's something we all have to accept. Even if we don't like the way things or people have changed, the fact that matters is that they change.

You shouldn't want to change some one to suit yourself. You shouldn't try to force some one to remain the same to suit yourself. I used to do that. I used to be terrified of change; my own personal changing and the changing of life around me. I remained in my past or moments from my past for a long time. I found myself a comfortable place, a suitable role, and I played it to the world. I acted in the fashion that was desired of me. I became the person people wanted and for a long time I was content and the role I played wasn't a lie. It really was who I felt I was. I refused to succumb to the changes that I felt growing inside my heart and soul. I didn't want to leave the person I was to try and become the person I needed to be.

You can't run away from yourself forever. No matter where you go, you will be stuck with your own heart, mind and soul. No one knows you better than you know yourself. Sometimes it feels as though others know you better than you do, but they only know what you allow them to see. There are things inside of all of us that only we know. We may not have accepted those things yet, or even discovered them, but they are there.

In College, I feel alive. I've made friends that I feel I can keep. I've never been very good at that. I usually push people away from me. I don't like people getting too close to me. True, I will tell you every damn detail of my past present and future, but there are times when I suddenly comprehend what I've said to those people and I push them away. All the thoughts I should have been thinking at the time of speech flow through my mind and I worry. I worry long and hard. I worry until I feel as though my heart will explode. Some people pull through this time with me. Some don't. More often not. But the ones who do; the ones that are still willing to talk with me and be near me, these are the people that I will hold dear.

But there are still things that they do not see. They do not see me cry nor do they see me extremely angry. These are still emotions that I lock within my soul. These are still parts of me that I am not willing to show. The day you see me cry, that is the day that you will understand how much I value you. How much I value your friendship, your kind words, your thoughtfulness. Some have seen me on the brink of tears, and that is as close as it will be sometimes.

I haven't had a huge long cry for a long time. I haven't broken down in tears over issues or people for a while. I wonder if that is a good thing? I've spent so much time and energy crying over situations and people. I've spent so much time worrying about how I am viewed, about how others think of me and the impression I make on every one, even members of my family.

It's tiring. I'm sure there are a lot of you out there who know exactly what I mean. Keeping up facades and wearing masks that are only thin reflections of who we are. I've noticed that no matter how many times I try to reinvent myself there are still certain traits that return. Most often these are the traits I try to suppress, but it never works. In my minds eye I see the person I long to be. I see the personality I wish to portray and I know that I will never be that person unless I completely start over with my life. It's too late to do that. It's too late to restart a life twenty three years in the making. This is who I am. I am me. There are parts of me that I cannot change any more.

And slumber calls my name. The pillow whispers to me in a soft and soothing voice and I am hypnotized by the rhythm of the breeze.

I must answer the call.