Maybe I'm just like my father

*sigh*

I feel so much better after getting all that off my chest last time. It does the body good to let go like that some times.

Tomorrow is my first exam. Shakespeare. I'm not that worried. Afterwards I'm heading over to Rob's for some BBQ goodness. I think I'm going to a Buck and Doe after that, but I'm not sure. I'll know better tomorrow.

Next week I don't have any exams, but I have to make up my study sheets and I start work as well. I'm so happy to be working. I need to work. I don't like just sitting around and doing nothing all day. It really bugs me after a while.

My first shift is a morning shift on the Tuesday...I think. They haven't sent out the schedule yet, so I'm not sure. But I do know that on Sunday between 2 and 5 we're all supposed to go to the store and buy some of the clothes so that we can wear what we sell. A lot of people don't agree with that, but I don't mind. I like buying clothes and this is a nice excuse. I already saw some jeans and a nice sweater that I'll look good in that I want. I might spend a couple hundred dollars, but that's alright. It's all stuff that I'll wear at work and at play (I know I know. Don't say anything)

Next week on the Thursday I'm going to head out to Toronto to hang out with Rob and probably go out to this club he was talking about there. I'll chill for the night and I'm thinking I'll come home on the Friday. Saturday I'm sure I'm working the night shift. I'll know better when I get the schedule.



When I was younger, I always wanted to be just like my mother. In my eyes, she was beautiful and strong. She was smart and kind. But then as I grew my view changed as she changed. Sometimes, when I'm thinking of the past like that, it hurts my heart to know that I'll never get the mother back that I used to have. Something happened to her, I'm not sure what, but it changed her a lot. It's something more than the divorce between her and my father. But after that, things got pretty bad. She used to yell at me for how much I reminded her of my father. And I do. There are so many of his characteristics that I have and I can't help it.

A lot of the time I get angry with myself for repeating these things over and over again. It's like I keep playing my past in my mind, trying to figure out where it went bad. Trying to see what happened. Was it something I did? Was it something they did? I was just a child, but still.

It's sickening that I can't let this go. I need to let this go to move on and get a hold on my own life. I thought I was doing fine and then she started showing up to family things again. It hurts me that she's there and it hurts me when the rest of my family acts like nothing happened. I can't do that. I can't pretend that I wasn't hurt in the way I was. It's a scar that may never go away. I may live with this for the rest of my life, no matter how much I try to heal it.

Sometimes, I think I inflict this on myself because I can't be happy. There are people out there that don't know how to be happy and I wonder if I'm one of them. That can't be true......

I've been thinking of going to stay with my father's side of the famliy when I'm done school. My step-sister is in the same field as I am. Maybe she can find me a part-time place. Or I could be a waitress at a restaurant for a summer. I want to go to British Columbia for a bit too. I'm sure I could get a nice summer job doing something menial for a while. I can do a lot of things.

The thing that prevents me from just picking up and going is what I have here in Ontario. If I go, it means leaving Marty behind. It means leaving my grandparents behind for a while. I don't know what to think. I don't want every one to be mad at me just because I want to live my life the way I want to.

Gah. That was long. This is taking up too much of my brain power lol

I think I'll turn my attention to meaningless tv or something.

Out.