It's In Your Blood

Do you ever wonder some times about why things happen to you? Whether they're good or bad, do you still wonder, 'why me?'

Do you think about how things could have been or should have been? About how things would be if 'this' person had done 'that' or if 'that' person had said 'this'?

Some of us live our lives being fueled by our hatred for some one or something else, or thriving on the fact that we are victims. What if we were never victims? What if we had never learned to hate? Who would we be? Where would we be?

I've been thinking a lot lately about how my world would be if I didn't know the people I know now, or how I would react if I lost some of the people I have now. Would my identity be completely erased? Would I have to start all over at being who I want to be? Would I be able to do it? Or would I give up?

A lot of the time I think I would give up, or retreat into myself and shut out the world. I've gone through that before.

Sometimes I want to go back to when my family wasn't so complicated. And sometimes I wish for the death of my parents with all my heart. Sometimes I wish I had never contacted my father. Sometimes I wish I still lived with my mother.

And there are times when I wish I could just leave this place and go some where to reinvent myself. A place where I could start over, where neither of my parents could reach me, where no one else in my family could find me. Where I could escape from this life and start over.

A lot of people have feelings like this.

Sometimes, I think of the other life I could have lived. In this life, I'm living in BC and I don't have a boyfriend. Sometimes I'm living where I am now, but most often I'm in BC. I'm single and I'm working as a youth counselor in a high school. I have a little blue car and I live in a nice big apartment. I have a lot of friends and I do very well in my job. I have a dog named Eliot and I live alone in my big apartment. I don't talk to either of my parents and barely communicate with any one else in my family. In this life, I feel so happy. I feel so fulfilled.

Then I wake up to my reality. It's not all bad and most of the time I'm very happy. But there are bonds and chains that I wish I could be free of. The same things a lot of people want to be free of. Family bonds, the chains of expectations. The pain of your past and the angst of the present all mixed together.

Oh, how I want to escape these things. How I want to be done with the people who pull me down. How I wish I could be free to do what I wanted and when I wanted. To go where I pleased without having to worry about who I'm leaving behind and what people will think.

Then I wonder if I would ever feel lonely. I'm not good when I feel lonely. That feeling is the worst for me. It feels like part of me is being ripped apart and another part is being burned. Part of me goes crazy when I feel so very alone. It's a hell I don't like to tread into very often.

I am easily moved at times too. Music can move me to tears. I get so emotionally vested in the things I read and the things I watch that I get sad or I laugh. I try to purge myself of these things through my writing, but there are still times, in the dark of the night, when I will listen to certain songs and cry. Just to get those tears and those emotions out. Even if I'm not really sad about anything, but I just need to cry.

As you get older, you forget how to do that.