This is my story

The beginning and the end all have me winding up in the same place.

There are things that need to be done, words that need to be said. Places that need to be seen and people that need to be forgotten.

It's the forgetting that's the hardest part. There are some that won't let you forget them no matter how hard you try to. And then, when you do forget them, you are forced to be reminded of them when you don't want to be. Some people are so much a part of you that it's difficult to remove yourself from them. From where they end and where you begin. From where you end and they begin.

Most often I run away. I've been running my whole life. I run and run but the path doesn't get any shorter and the goals are never reached. How long can I keep on running? How long can I do this for? The rest of my life?

How long can I go on doing what I think is expected of me and what I have been taught to do? When does the nurturing end? Who said that that was the way I was supposed to be? Perhaps I could have been some one great. But it's not like my life is over. I still have a lot of time left in me. I still have the capacity to become a great writer and have my novels published and appreciated.

I am still the poor graduate working a small time job in a small time place. I have zero dollars to my name and I am anxiously trying to find a way to make more money. There is a limit to where I can work and make the money I need to survive.

Could I do this on my own? If I wasn't with this boy and living in this house, where would I be now? Is this the place where I should rest, where I should stop running? I still feel as though I'm running away from him and from the pressures. Pressure? What pressure should there be? I'm just his girlfriend. We aren't married, we aren't engaged. We are dating and living together.

Have I ever lived out on my own?

Have I ever survived by what I created, found and earned? I've been relying on others for everything. My education, where I live, my car, the only thing I got on my own so far was my job and even that isn't enough. It's not enough to live on. It's not enough to survive on. But where else is there for me to look? I check the job bank every day. Every day. I apply to jobs that advertise more than what I make without my having to go far. I can't leave the city for work. Where would I live? I don't even have enough money or the resources for first and last months rent on any type of accomodation.

There is an idea floating in the air. The idea of my staying in Windsor with a friend of mine in the new year for a few months. Working part time at the H&M there if allowed and getting another part time job at a place that would enable me to make a lot of money. It's an idea only however and usually these ideas die before they have the chance to live.

This is me. Your average twenty three year old girl who has graduated with an English degree and lives with her boyfriend. She only likes to eat boring foods and could probably survive on rice and popcorn alone. Ah, don't forget the beans on toast.

Whoever thought finding yourself would take this long or be this hard? Or is it that I'm looking in all the wrong places? Or that I'm looking too hard? It could be just that I'm lazy. I'm oh so lazy.

Sorry I lied about the images of my newest tattoo ideas being posted this time. I decided to get all introspective.