You Remind Me of The Times When I Knew Who I Was

When I'm lonely and feeling sad, I don't really know what to do with myself. I sit here at this computer and I type something that has little meaning to any one other than myself. I throw myself into the stories I write or I watch certain shows over and over until I still cry at all the emotional parts even though I know what' s coming.

I don't feel particularly close to any one except one person. And it's an odd closeness I guess you could say. I can't even remember how or why we started being friends. We don't talk that often but then when we do, I know she'll listen if I need her to. I know she'll scold me and tell me I'm being stupid if I need her to. I know she'll be happy for me if I need her to. I've stopped worrying as to whether she feels the same because that's how I feel. I try to be there for her and she knows it. She knows she can talk to me about anything she wants, no matter how painful it is and I will listen.

Still there are times when I feel like I can't talk to any one. There are times when I'm so overwhelmed by the fake concern of others that I want to scream at them all. But I can't do that. To them, it's genuine. To me, it's fake. I can't tell them that their emotions aren't real to me.

Most often I'm swept away by my own self-doubt and I drown in my own created misery. It's a hard rut to break out of. Lord is it hard. There is so much I should be happy for, grateful for. So much that I should appreciate but I keep focusing on my problems. I have to stop that. I have to get over it. Focus on the good....

Maybe some day I can be the kind of person people are proud to call their friend. Perhaps some day I can be the kind of person that makes other people smile, that helps them with their problems and listens to their woes.

I hope. I pray. I wish.

I can.