Memory

My memory is my enemy.

There are things that I remember that didn't happen and there are so many things that did happen that I don't remember. You could ask me about my life when I was in elementary and middle school and I wouldn't be able to tell you anything really. High school is starting to fade from my mind as well.

The only things I can remember clearly like they happened yesterday are painful things. Like the first time I cut myself to take away the pain. The first time I was told I was useless. The first time I really felt like I was worthless. All these things I can remember and the emotions associated with these feelings flood over me like a tsunami.

I'm cold.

Sometimes I wonder why I act the way I do. The 'me' a lot of people see is not really who I am. Only two people know the true me.

Have you ever missed some one so much that it makes your heart hurt?

I miss some one right now. I miss a few people. Some of these people I will never be able to touch again. But I can touch her. She's hurting right now. She's confused and I can't be there for her. A phone call and conversations on MSN do not count as really being there for her. Perhaps she is the sole reason I am trying so hard to get my license? Is it because I some times feel as though we're drifting and I don't want to lose her? I've never had a friend like her before. We're so alike in what we portray to the world and in what we keep hidden underneath.

I miss my mother of the past. I miss my father of the past. These people, these people with families and parents within reach, these people who have received the love of both parents will never understand.

My mother of the present: our relationship can never be mended. I don't want to have anything to do with her any more. Every time I look at her all I can feel is the pain from the things she's said and the things she's done. Now she works at a bar. She 'tries' to take proper care of my brother. I don't know how that's going because I don't talk to him either. I'm completely cut off from both of them.

My father of the present: our relationship is rocky. He's married again. He now has four children and two grandchildren on top of his other four. I've been there, to where he is with his new life. I've never felt more out of place. No one needs me any more and it leaves me feeling hollow.

Even now, the family I have is falling apart. Or at least it feels like it is to me. I understand that every one has problems with their parents and that I am not a unique case. I know people who have been through worse things than I have. But I keep reliving and rehashing my past, trying desperately to find what I'm looking for. My reason for being. I've been told no one wanted me. Imaging being only thirteen years old and having your mother tell you that her parents wanted her to get an abortion when she first found she was pregnant with you?

Now, in this very moment and this very year, things are not going well. I'm not good enough. My grandmother criticizes everything I do, say and decide. My career choice is not good enough. My job isn't good enough. I shouldn't be doing half the things I'm doing, but here I am. Trying to scrape out an existence in the rubble of my world.

Do you remember when your world first came crashing down around you?

Mine does that quite often. I remember when it happened in first year university. She was there for me and held me up. She will always be a pillar of strength for me.

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I went to Toronto this past weekend. I'm never going to Toronto again. To make a long story short (as if I make long stories short. I think I just like to read about my own life lol) after Dance Cave I was humiliated in public, walked back to my friend's house in tears (yes, I do cry. I am human after all), slept for an hour before walking from my friend's house to Union Station so that I could catch the 7:30 am bus back to Hamilton. Never again. Never EVER again.

Have you ever wanted to be some one new? Some one different? I keep getting these chances to be a totally different person, some one who is strong and level-headed. Some one who doesn't try to fight every one or show how tough she is. It's hard for me not to try and be stronger than every one else. I'm afraid. I am so afraid of being trampled that I'm mouthy and I don't let any one close to the centre of my being. Sure, I'll tell complete strangers the story of my life if they want to hear it. I have nothing to hide. But why do I always try to fight? Especially with men. Is it because I watched my mother being abused for four years in front of my eyes and in my brain 'hurt them before they hurt you' was engraved? I could make up excuses for hours.

I am a scared, little girl who wants her mommy and daddy to come and take her home. I am hardened, jaded girl who doesn't need any one to help her. I am an emotional mess of tears and rage that wants to get revenge on the world.

I am a lot of things.

I know that when I go to college in the fall, I will not talk to any one from McMaster any more. This summer every one is going to be gone far away. Any friendships I had with them will wither away and die. Crumble into dust.

This has happened before.

All you people out there with best friends and child hood buddies, hold on to them. There are some of us who have never felt that kind of friendship. We may never feel it. We may feel it and be so scared that we reject it. I am a rejecter. I end up rejecting every one. I will shove you away from me and I will never let you get close again.

Don't touch me. Can't you see I'm broken?