Here I Am Alone Again And I'm Talking To Myself.....Again

If I showed you something, if I let you in these walls and gave you a peek at the reality within, what would you say? Would you laugh? Scream in horror? Cry? Would you take my weaknesses and use them against me? Would you deny me your friendship? Would you reaffirm my fears and tell me it was never that way to begin with?

I am my own worst enemy. Have you said that to yourself too? Do you over analyze and think that every one is against you?

Are you as afraid as I am to tell some one that they mean a lot to you in case they think you're 'coming on too strong' or they don't actually value you on the same level?

Even when some one tells you that you mean a lot to them, do you think they're lying like I think?

Here I am conversing with myself in the middle of the night before a morning class and a long shift at work. Will any one else even read this? If they do, will they say anything? Most likely not and I don't write to get a response. I write to unleash; to allow the feelings and thoughts that bother me out of their cage so that they won't end up killing me in the end.

I can hear the clock ticking and the sound of my fingers typing away is almost deafening. What will I do after this? Will I try to go to sleep again or will I write my story?

Ah, my stories. Other avenues I escape on. Other ways for me to occupy myself so that I don't keep thinking of things that bother me.

Like now.

Things like my mother. Things like my grandparents lecturing me until I scream.

I'm supposed to forgive. I'm supposed to move on. I'm supposed to let go. I'm supposed to do a lot of things.

How can you forgive that? How can you just FORGET that those terrible things happened and the one that did them to you is coming back? That they're trying to make themselves a part of your life so that they can take credit for the places you've been and the things you've achieved? How can you move on from a stage in your life when there are those that serve to remind you of what happened? How can you keep giving chances to people only to have them throw it back in your face as they stab you in your heart?

How do you deal with those who are supposed to protect you, yet instead they poison you, betray you and kill you with everything they say and do? How can you get over that? How much support are you going to need?

Why do I keep taking? Why do I keep needing support from others? Can't I help myself?

Honestly, I'm better at helping other people than I am at helping myself. That's why I want to be a youth counsellor; so that I can help the young people of today and tomorrow with the experience from yesterday. So I can show them and tell them my mistakes so that they can learn and make better choices. So they can live the lives we were meant to have.

Your life was miserable too. You've had your share of woe and pain. You have an understanding of mine. Neither of us has been through the same thing, but it's close enough that we can share. That we can both help each other live on.

How many years until we stop seeing each other? How much longer before our lives take us to different places and we drift away? Can I really call you 'forever friend'? Can you call me that?

'All good things must come to an end' some one once said. It's true. I've had many good things come to an end. Many.

If I told you to stay away, would you listen? If I told you I would only bring you pain, would you care? If I told you I was poison to all around me, would you flee?

I don't want to see you any more. You mean nothing to me, yet you keep trying to come back. You are a demon of my past and I don't want to keep exorcizing you. The pain you inflict is terrible, it hurts more than anything I've ever known. You can't just come back and think everything is fine because it suits you. You can't try and take the credit for all the things I've accomplished because you want to make yourself look good. Can you recall one single, solitary thing that you have done to get me here other than giving birth to me? You raised me because it was your job. If you could have gotten out of it, you would have.

YOU HAVE NO GODDAMN RIGHT to come waltzing back in like you own the place. You have NO RIGHT to act as if everything I've achieved is because of you, or that I owe you anything.

I owe you nothing.

There's still so much pain. So much angst and hurt. So many emotions that you keep stirring up.

If I have to forsake everything to be rid of you, do I have the strength to do it? Do I have the heart? The power? Can I?

I don't want to.

I'm afraid to.

Don't make me choose.

Because if I choose to leave, I'm never coming back.

Ever.