Will you sing a requiem for me?

It's been a long time since I wrote in here but the thoughts haven't stopped.

Every now and then I fall into this....silence. It's not quite depression but it's akin to it. While I'm in this state I try to validate my existence. I try to think about why I'm here, about what I've been doing and if any one cares.

During this time I think about my past and the thoughts that I used to have. The ones where I wondered if it would have been better had I never existed in the first place. Then there wouldn't be so much pain. I wouldn't have so much pain. Neither would my mother, father, brother, grandparents....the list goes on....

I'm not as obsessed with those thoughts as I used to be. Now it's another breed entirely.

I'm struggling. Struggling to identify myself and to see if I can really live in the 'real' world. I'm so close to graduation and I'm so close to being an 'adult' that it scares me more than anything else in this world. Can I function in this type of world? Is there a place for me? The things I want to do, see, and achieve, are they even possible?

Ah. I'm so tired. My head hurts. It hurts all the time. My hands and feet are cold even though I'm wearing slippers and the heat is all the way up. My hands are always cold. It's because I'm the ice queen.

Now I'm scattered all over the place. This won't do. This won't do at all.

Perhaps now is the time to turn my attention to the ever growing mound of school work.

Perhaps.