I Call But There's No Reply

Officially done all my exams for this school year. I just have summer school to plod through and then I'll be done my Undergraduate Degree. That will be nice. Very nice.

Well, I lost my job on Monday, took out resume's on Monday, got a call for an interview on Tuesday. That makes me feel a little good. I have the interview on Friday. Very nice I think.

There's another place I want to take a resume out to either today or tomorrow because Marty's sister says they ALWAYS need help there. It's a Shopper's Drug Mart, so I would love to work there. We'll see.

There's only three books to buy for summer school which is nice. Classes start this coming Monday. Apparently the prof I have for it is a good one. This will be interesting. Normally I hate night classes because I always feel like falling asleep in them.

It's my father's birthday this Saturday. I'm going to call him. My friend Julie is also moving into her new apartment in Burlington that day so, since I'm no longer working, I thought I would go help as much as possible. That and I'm going to make some fudge as a house warming present. I figure I'll head to the dollar store and buy a nice little container to put it in.

My aunt changed what she wants me to sing at her wedding. She was thinking "Close to You" by the Carpenters. So I downloaded the song and I've been practising for it. She's got a CD with the Karaoke on it which is nice for me to use.

Anyways, that's about it for now. I'm going to check the mail and possibly have a shower/bath and then write my story. It'll depend on my mood as to whether or not I head out to Shopper's.

Cheers.

Living in the Broken Home of Hopes and Dreams

There's nothing like waking up to a phone call from your employer telling you that they're laying you off.

That was my morning. It was lovely. I was so happy at this job, not to mention all the money I spent on clothes there that I had to wear for work, and I get laid off after 2 weeks of work.

Not to mention just about everything is maxed out and I'm going insane over studying.

I took two hours out today and I went job hunting. I applied at Tim Horton's, Giant Tiger, Money Mart and Pantorama. Wednesday I'm going to Shoppers Drug Mart at Centre Mall because Marty's sister says that they hire there all the time. I figure I'll check out the rest of the mall while I'm at it.

Poor Marty has to foot the bills for a bit now. My paycheque is barely going to be enough for my payments on all the stuff I owe. Greaaaaaaaaat.

Hopefully things will look up and I'll get a job really soon. I will work. I don't care the hours. I will work full time, part time, anytime goddamnit!

Anyways, I'm going to watch something on here to lift my spirits a bit.

Out for now.

Ever Since You've Been Gone, The Lights Go Out The Same

Some good news. Some more of my endless complaints.

Good news first I guess.

My aunt wants me to sing at her wedding so I've been rehearsing here in my basement hole. I think we've settled on 'The Rose' but it's been a long time since I sang like this. I have to get my range back in action.

I went to a counselling appointment yesterday. It was fun. Patrick makes my day. He told me I should consider being a stand-up comedian lol Am I really that funny? I just thought I was a dork, but whatever works!

I have an exam tonight that I think I'll do alright on. This isn't good or bad news. It just kinda hangs there in limbo with the categories. I have another tomorrow morning at 9 that I hope I do well on. I'm banking on C's in all my classes. I SO don't care any more. As long as I pass, that's all that matters.

Ok, bad news.

While my mother did not show up at Easter, I had to hear about her anyways. I had to hear that my brother broke up with his girlfriend because she's a whore (I could've told you that) and that my mother broke up with her boyfriend because he was a disgusting drunk pervert (I could've told you that too). So my grandmother was going on about how they were both so lonely etc etc. I don't care. Is that cold of me? I don't think so. And then my mother called to tell that she wasn't coming and said that I had taken my baby books and I must have taken Ashton's as well so could I give it back. See, there's a problem with that story. I wasn't ALLOWED to take any photo albums or my baby book when I left. I was told that I wasn't 'old enough' to appreciate them. Whatever.

My grandmother and I get in fights over my mother regularly now. It's not really fights, it's more like arguments where I'm never right. My grad photos will be arriving at her home soon. I hope she doesn't expect me to give one to my mother. If she does, I can just write on the back of it: 'this is how far I came without you'. Yeah right. If I did that, I'd be disowned.

Some times I wish I was. You know, disowned. Then I wouldn't have to put up with all this bull shit all the time. I'm never being praised for anything that I've done. I've worked my ass off to get here. It's not easy when no one seems to care. All my family can say is: 'why aren't you done yet?' 'what kind of job will you get? Will you make a lot?' 'you don't have any money. Why are you bothering' etc etc etc. Gee. Thanks for the support guys.

I mean, it's not like I want to hear it every second of every day, but it would be nice that they would praise me instead of slamming me into the dirt. I'm sure there are lots of people who have to go through this.

I'm at a standstill with my studying. For this subject, I feel like I know enough and that no matter how much more I study, it won't make a difference. I don't want to start studying hardcore for my exam tomorrow until this one tonight is over because I don't want to get confused.

Anyways. I think I'm going to take a brain break for a bit longer. I've been watching tv a bit and going over my study sheets at commercials. That kind of works.

Out for now.

Testosterone Boys and Harlequin Girls

Yeah, I went super mushy last night. I blame a certain some one who asked me things about my past. You know who you are!

Anyways, just finished a BORING shift at work. It's cold in my apartment and my fingers feel weird. Sometimes I wonder if I have arthritis because they go all stiff and ouchy when it's cold sometimes. Maybe I just like to make shit up about myself.

Anyways, more clarification on Dance Cave. It sucked. I was tired from being up at 6:30am that morning and some of the people in Toronto are so goddamn stuck up and I want to punch them. I almost punched some one in the face when I was there because the idiot was stacking cups and almost knocked a cup filled with GOD KNOWS WHAT into my lap. Yeah, I was getting ready to fight.

I think I have an anger issue lol

I've been trying to study for my exams this week. Trying being the most important word here people.

I want McDonald's but I have no money. I'm soooooooo poor right now it's not funny. I don't think I've ever been this broke. My credit card is almost maxed and my credit line is too. Niiiiice. Plus, I don't get paid until next week. It better be a fatty, that's all I have to say!

Anyways, I thought I would put up the link to the Prologue and the first five chapters of my story entitled "Memories" on here. I want more feedback, because this one is basically finished and I want to know if people would seriously think it's good enough to get published. Don't mind any grammatical or spelling mistakes. These are only rough drafts. And, the website that hosts them automatically copyrights them for me, so don't try and rip me off. I'm not going to host the whole thing anyways.

So, here you go!

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Please understand that this story falls into the Fantasy genre, so if you don't like stories like that, don't bother to read.

Out for now.

Memory

My memory is my enemy.

There are things that I remember that didn't happen and there are so many things that did happen that I don't remember. You could ask me about my life when I was in elementary and middle school and I wouldn't be able to tell you anything really. High school is starting to fade from my mind as well.

The only things I can remember clearly like they happened yesterday are painful things. Like the first time I cut myself to take away the pain. The first time I was told I was useless. The first time I really felt like I was worthless. All these things I can remember and the emotions associated with these feelings flood over me like a tsunami.

I'm cold.

Sometimes I wonder why I act the way I do. The 'me' a lot of people see is not really who I am. Only two people know the true me.

Have you ever missed some one so much that it makes your heart hurt?

I miss some one right now. I miss a few people. Some of these people I will never be able to touch again. But I can touch her. She's hurting right now. She's confused and I can't be there for her. A phone call and conversations on MSN do not count as really being there for her. Perhaps she is the sole reason I am trying so hard to get my license? Is it because I some times feel as though we're drifting and I don't want to lose her? I've never had a friend like her before. We're so alike in what we portray to the world and in what we keep hidden underneath.

I miss my mother of the past. I miss my father of the past. These people, these people with families and parents within reach, these people who have received the love of both parents will never understand.

My mother of the present: our relationship can never be mended. I don't want to have anything to do with her any more. Every time I look at her all I can feel is the pain from the things she's said and the things she's done. Now she works at a bar. She 'tries' to take proper care of my brother. I don't know how that's going because I don't talk to him either. I'm completely cut off from both of them.

My father of the present: our relationship is rocky. He's married again. He now has four children and two grandchildren on top of his other four. I've been there, to where he is with his new life. I've never felt more out of place. No one needs me any more and it leaves me feeling hollow.

Even now, the family I have is falling apart. Or at least it feels like it is to me. I understand that every one has problems with their parents and that I am not a unique case. I know people who have been through worse things than I have. But I keep reliving and rehashing my past, trying desperately to find what I'm looking for. My reason for being. I've been told no one wanted me. Imaging being only thirteen years old and having your mother tell you that her parents wanted her to get an abortion when she first found she was pregnant with you?

Now, in this very moment and this very year, things are not going well. I'm not good enough. My grandmother criticizes everything I do, say and decide. My career choice is not good enough. My job isn't good enough. I shouldn't be doing half the things I'm doing, but here I am. Trying to scrape out an existence in the rubble of my world.

Do you remember when your world first came crashing down around you?

Mine does that quite often. I remember when it happened in first year university. She was there for me and held me up. She will always be a pillar of strength for me.

----------------------------------------------

I went to Toronto this past weekend. I'm never going to Toronto again. To make a long story short (as if I make long stories short. I think I just like to read about my own life lol) after Dance Cave I was humiliated in public, walked back to my friend's house in tears (yes, I do cry. I am human after all), slept for an hour before walking from my friend's house to Union Station so that I could catch the 7:30 am bus back to Hamilton. Never again. Never EVER again.

Have you ever wanted to be some one new? Some one different? I keep getting these chances to be a totally different person, some one who is strong and level-headed. Some one who doesn't try to fight every one or show how tough she is. It's hard for me not to try and be stronger than every one else. I'm afraid. I am so afraid of being trampled that I'm mouthy and I don't let any one close to the centre of my being. Sure, I'll tell complete strangers the story of my life if they want to hear it. I have nothing to hide. But why do I always try to fight? Especially with men. Is it because I watched my mother being abused for four years in front of my eyes and in my brain 'hurt them before they hurt you' was engraved? I could make up excuses for hours.

I am a scared, little girl who wants her mommy and daddy to come and take her home. I am hardened, jaded girl who doesn't need any one to help her. I am an emotional mess of tears and rage that wants to get revenge on the world.

I am a lot of things.

I know that when I go to college in the fall, I will not talk to any one from McMaster any more. This summer every one is going to be gone far away. Any friendships I had with them will wither away and die. Crumble into dust.

This has happened before.

All you people out there with best friends and child hood buddies, hold on to them. There are some of us who have never felt that kind of friendship. We may never feel it. We may feel it and be so scared that we reject it. I am a rejecter. I end up rejecting every one. I will shove you away from me and I will never let you get close again.

Don't touch me. Can't you see I'm broken?

We Speak Just Like the Closest Enemies

So I just found out that my mother is going to be at my grandparent's for Easter this year.

I was told by my grandmother to be good and not start anything. That made me so angry. I have to vent this anger before I go to work tonight. That wouldn't be good to be all pissed off at work. Bad things might happen.

HOW DARE she tell ME to watch my mouth. All I'm going to hear about is the stupidity that spews from her lips as every one feels sorry for her. I hate that. How dare they be all consoling to her. Every one just wants things to be all happy and shit. Forget it. I don't need this. I am NOT going to watch my mouth. I don't even want to go now. I'm going to go, say hello, and book it as fast as I can. I don't want to stay. I'm not going to go to Christmas now, I'm not going to have a birthday. Forget it. I don't need this.

I wish T'Nasha was online so I could ask for advice on what to say. She's really good at being independant and smart and stuff. A lot better than I am anyways.

Gaaaaaaaah. Now I'm all worked up about it. Damn. Fine. I'll just talk about my dad a lot then. IN YOUR FACE. If they don't like it, if I'm told to consider my mother's feelings, I'm going out the door.

She better not touch me or come near me. I don't want her to speak to me or even breathe in my general direction. My brother better not come near me either. Screw them both. They can wallow in their own misery together.

Now, not only am I going to get lectures about my finances and about my education, I'll get the 'why don't you be nice to your mother' and all that other bull shit.

FANTASTIC! This is the PERFECT end to the most PERFECT weekend. Yes, I am being sarcastic.

And It's You When I Don't Pick Up The Phone

Last night was a very very good night.

I went to Rob's BBQ with the thought in my head that I would be leaving aroudn 8 to go to a Buck and Doe. WELL! I ended up not doing that which was fine by me! I met Rob's friend Thahn who is TOTALLY cool. I've managed to get her to agree to come out with Rob and I when we go to Toronto on Thursday. She's going to come to the club with us.

I met Nick too. I'd never met him before. I saw two of his other friends before but I don't know how to spell their names. It was all fun.

I drank quite a bit and was gone very quickly because I hadn't eaten much. I didn't even eat a whole burger. I gave up after half.

My legs hurt from dancing at Funky Monkey and from walking from Rob's house to my house. Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwie.

Anyways, I'm going to hop in the shower and watch tv or something. I'm pretty sure today is the day that we all go to work and buy clothes at 2. I didn't get an e-mail reminder so I'll go there around 2:30 or 3 and see what's up.

That's all for now!

Cheers.

Maybe I'm just like my father

*sigh*

I feel so much better after getting all that off my chest last time. It does the body good to let go like that some times.

Tomorrow is my first exam. Shakespeare. I'm not that worried. Afterwards I'm heading over to Rob's for some BBQ goodness. I think I'm going to a Buck and Doe after that, but I'm not sure. I'll know better tomorrow.

Next week I don't have any exams, but I have to make up my study sheets and I start work as well. I'm so happy to be working. I need to work. I don't like just sitting around and doing nothing all day. It really bugs me after a while.

My first shift is a morning shift on the Tuesday...I think. They haven't sent out the schedule yet, so I'm not sure. But I do know that on Sunday between 2 and 5 we're all supposed to go to the store and buy some of the clothes so that we can wear what we sell. A lot of people don't agree with that, but I don't mind. I like buying clothes and this is a nice excuse. I already saw some jeans and a nice sweater that I'll look good in that I want. I might spend a couple hundred dollars, but that's alright. It's all stuff that I'll wear at work and at play (I know I know. Don't say anything)

Next week on the Thursday I'm going to head out to Toronto to hang out with Rob and probably go out to this club he was talking about there. I'll chill for the night and I'm thinking I'll come home on the Friday. Saturday I'm sure I'm working the night shift. I'll know better when I get the schedule.



When I was younger, I always wanted to be just like my mother. In my eyes, she was beautiful and strong. She was smart and kind. But then as I grew my view changed as she changed. Sometimes, when I'm thinking of the past like that, it hurts my heart to know that I'll never get the mother back that I used to have. Something happened to her, I'm not sure what, but it changed her a lot. It's something more than the divorce between her and my father. But after that, things got pretty bad. She used to yell at me for how much I reminded her of my father. And I do. There are so many of his characteristics that I have and I can't help it.

A lot of the time I get angry with myself for repeating these things over and over again. It's like I keep playing my past in my mind, trying to figure out where it went bad. Trying to see what happened. Was it something I did? Was it something they did? I was just a child, but still.

It's sickening that I can't let this go. I need to let this go to move on and get a hold on my own life. I thought I was doing fine and then she started showing up to family things again. It hurts me that she's there and it hurts me when the rest of my family acts like nothing happened. I can't do that. I can't pretend that I wasn't hurt in the way I was. It's a scar that may never go away. I may live with this for the rest of my life, no matter how much I try to heal it.

Sometimes, I think I inflict this on myself because I can't be happy. There are people out there that don't know how to be happy and I wonder if I'm one of them. That can't be true......

I've been thinking of going to stay with my father's side of the famliy when I'm done school. My step-sister is in the same field as I am. Maybe she can find me a part-time place. Or I could be a waitress at a restaurant for a summer. I want to go to British Columbia for a bit too. I'm sure I could get a nice summer job doing something menial for a while. I can do a lot of things.

The thing that prevents me from just picking up and going is what I have here in Ontario. If I go, it means leaving Marty behind. It means leaving my grandparents behind for a while. I don't know what to think. I don't want every one to be mad at me just because I want to live my life the way I want to.

Gah. That was long. This is taking up too much of my brain power lol

I think I'll turn my attention to meaningless tv or something.

Out.

I know I'm ranting

I've said before the history likes to repeat itself.

I noticed that I must like it to repeat because I do the same things over and over again.

I have never graduated with my friends and University is no different. When all my friends graduate this coming June, I will not. I will be working and going to summer school. I'm graduating in November.

I did this in highschool. I stayed behind. And even now, when most of my friends and the people I know go on to their careers, I'll be in college. Studying and going to class. I'll be almost twenty-five before I finish everything. Maybe twenty-six. I don't know yet. Either way, I will not know many or any people in my graduating class.

Then at college I will once again be surrounded by younger people that I don't know.

Hopefully I'll at least have my license by then. Hopefully I'll even have a car. We'll see.


I've got to start acting my age and not thirteen. I've got to stop laughing like a kid all the time and slacking off.


This sunday I will have been with Marty for four years. That's a long time and I'm trying not to feel like things have gone sour. We don't do anything, everything he does pisses me off lately and there is no reason for anything he does to be any different than when we first started dating. Maybe it's because he doesn't even know what he wants to do with the rest of his life still. He's fumbling between being an actor and a mechanic. He wants to buy a house and open his own business in the same year, something which he cannot afford. I find myself getting more and more angry at his idiocy when it comes to things like this. I get mad because he wants to do all these things and he doesn't have any kind of plan at all. Sometimes I wonder if I was really meant to be alone.

In all truth, I didn't want to have a boyfriend when I came to University. I wanted to flirt shamelessly and date. I didn't want to be a whore or anything, I just wanted to have a good time.


That brings me to another thing that's pissing me off.

My closest friend here in Hamilton, I daresay he's my bestfriend here, is a boy. He lives in a house with a bunch of other boys. They all say things like, 'are they fucking yet?' 'have you put the moves on her yet?' and such. They all KNOW I have a boyfriend and some have even met him. I'm getting sick and tired of their jackassedness. I mean, this is University. I know it's impossible for people to mature so quickly, but these guys are SO immature that it's driving me crazy. And then there are moments when I like to hang out with them because they can have fun. But I think I'm going nuts. I don't want to be a bitch and I've put up with it for a long time. But I think I'm going to snap real soon. Some one might get hurt. Seriously. I'm angry.


And other things that make me angry.

During the summer one of the guys from work was having a problem with this girl he liked and his best friend who is a girl. He needed a friend and I was there for him. I would stay up until 2 am or so until he got home from work and listen to him talk if he needed it. Last summer was basically devoted to keeping him sane because he had issues to deal with. Since I want to go into the counselling field, I thought it was good practice.

Then September comes along and suddenly I'm no longer important. A mutual friend sent a postcard for me through him in DECEMBER and I only found out about it about a week ago. We had made plans to get together on campus this past Tuesday. He was supposed to call me so that we could meet up when he was finished with stuff. NO PHONE CALL. No e-mail saying he was sorry to be late or not call or anything.

FUCK YOU USER! That's right. You read it here. I'm sick of this BULLSHIT.

There. I feel a bit better.

Hey You With the Pretty Face, Welcome to the Human Race!

Yesterday was sorta the best day of my life!

I found out that I got accepted into Mohawk College for this fall and into the program I wanted. That made me super happy! My internet was down for the last 24 hours so I wasn't able to accept until this morning. But still, that's all done, I just have to focus on exams and summer school. I AM GOING TO KICK ASS.

Then later on last night I found out that I got the job I really wanted. I am now one of the newest employees of 2FACE clothing on Main St Hamilton. I jumped up and down a lot.

The thing that put a damper on everything was the fact that the boys were all going out to the Strip Club and that usually means that we girls go out too, either to a strip club of our own or to a club. But apparently Julie went up to Belleville to see her parents, and no one told me. Thusly, I was barred from going out with the boys because it was a 'boy's night out' and I had to spend last night alone. I kicked some stuff and punched a door because I was mad. I mean, I could have been in Toronto last night a friend at a dance club but I turned it down because I thought I was going out with Julie and the girls. So, I vented my anger on inanimate objects and went to bed.

So today, I went to the gym and I'm just waiting for my new employers to call me and tell me what my schedule is. After I know that, I can call my driving instructor and book more lessons. I have 8 hours of in-car left and then I can go for my G2 license baby!

Now I'm going to debate whether I'm going to get in the bath or watch tv.

Cheers.