You Can Go Straight As You Dare

OH MY GOD.

Best news for my best friend ever! ( I know I sound like a hyper teenager, but I can't help it).

T'Nasha just found out that her boyfriend is taking her to THAILAND for her birthday!!! What the hell is that?! I am SO excited for her! I want to see lots of pictures and happy memories, damnit! Her mother is giving her flack about it, big surprise. But, she's going to be 22. She's a big girl. The only thing she's worried about, which I don't blame her, is the fact that there's about 3 stop overs and she has NO experience flying. I believe in her though, so I know it'll be ok. She's going to be flying by herself because her boyfriend is going to be there already for this course he's taking. But whatever. She's still going, which is freakin amazing. I am SO happy for her. It couldn't have happened to her at a better time and she SO deserves this.

Happy news for me is that Marty got the mortgage for the house and we'll be moving in after August 1st. I actually get to live above street level for the first time in almost 3 years. How nice....I get to wake up to sun, instead of darkness.

Last night was my orientation for work, which was wicked ass. I have a name tag, which just sealed the deal for me. Training starts next week. I have to call this weekend to get the schedule and tell Marty when I need the car.

School is basically over for me too. I submitted my last paper and even though I don't think it's that great, I think I'll pass. I don't see why not. I got 89% on my last paper, so I should be ok. As long as I don't get a mark lower than 40% I'll be ok. Not that I think my paper is that sucky.

Anyways, that's about it for now. I think I'll watch tv or write. Just wanted to gush about my best friend going to FREAKIN THAILAND!

If You Feel So Empty

So far, I don't have the car yet. Just waiting for the ownership still. I hope it comes real soon because I have to buy a parking pass and I can't do that until I know the plate number.

I went up to the College yesterday to hand in my applications for a few bursaries and to drop off the letter for my Family Breakdown Appeal. Joy.

Tonight is Orientation for H&M at the Ramada Hotel here in Hamilton. That'll be fun, I hope. It starts at 5:30 and goes until about 9. I just hope I don't fall asleep or something. That would be bad. I thought Orientation was going to take place at a store, but I guess not. Hopefully they'll tell us when training is and stuff too. I wonder what other people got hired for the store? Will I get to make some new friends? I dunno. Maybe. I hope so.

I don't get to pick my class schedule until August 10, which kinda sucks. I need to give my availability to my employers. I gave them a rough one, with estimates on what my schedule will be like. If things change, I have to let them know as soon as possible.

I'm also going to try and put in some submissions for the CBC Literary Awards. The due date is November 1st, 2006. So I have to get started. I want to put in a lot of submissions to heighten my chances and maybe get some one to notice my work. It's worth a shot. The winner in every category gets $6000, and you can only place once in each category. Hopefully something good will come of it. Second place is $4000, so either way, if I only place once, it'll be good enough for me.

Anyways, I'd better get going and get ready for Orientation.

Cheers.

I Always Hesitate

T'Nasha is coming to play today!!! I am so excited. I can't remember the last time she was here. I think it was before the weather got all hot and gay.

We're going to have a girl-bonding day and bitch and eat slushies and stuff. Maybe go see a movie. Maybe hit the bar later tonight. There's a jazz festival in Burlington this weekend so we might go to see that if she wants to. It's up to my girl!

I bought myself some new CD's. Oh oh! And I have my own car! Sorta. We're waiting for the ownership so Marty can sign it and get it for real. It's a 1996/7 red neon with gray interior. Apparently it needs a new header (whatever that is) and it needs some cosmetic work. I guess there's no stereo or speakers in it right now, but we know a guy who runs a junk yard so maybe he might have some stuff for it, which would be nice.

I've picked out the new furniture that I want to buy for the house. It's going to cost close to $400, but when I think about it, that's how much the bed and the mattress cost by itself in the first place, and this time I'm getting a lot more stuff like dressers and a desk and stuff.

I've been writing a lot of my story lately. I really like this one. Gareth wants to read my last one, but I'm nervous. I don't know if I want him to. We'll see. I told him that when they get the internet, I would send it to them.

*sigh*

I don't know when T'Nasha is getting here. I told her to call before she came and to come as early as she wanted to. So, I'm just going to write my story and wait for the call. Then, while she's on her way here, I can shower and stuff.

Anyways, that's it for now!

Out.

I'm Looking for Attention, Not Another Question

HA.

Some bad news people.

Yesterday, My apartment started flooding at 8:30 am. A sewage pipe had broken and decided to pour into my place. I managed to save most of my stuff. So, right now, I'm living in the third floor apartment of my building and just chillin. Tomorrow the landlord is coming over with some anti-mildew stuff to sanitize my stuff. My dresser, TV, book shelf (ves maybe) and desk are basically garbage. It's okay though, because I wanted to get rid of them anyways. My landlord is reimbursing me my rent for this month plus interest. That, and I get free internet, cable and phone while I'm up here. Pretty sweet I think.

I high-jacked my buddy Rob and had him help me move stuff to the house Marty is buying off his grandfather. I brought most of my stuff up here like dishes and clothes and stuff. Things that can go right to the house are in a corner. Not bad. Not bad.

So I have cable again which is nice and I've got a cute little deck on the back of my place which is just SCREAMING for me to hang out on it with a beer or something in hand. Too bad I don't particularly like beer. I'll think of something.

My bed frame is up for sale too. So Marty and I are sleeping on the mattress on the floor. It works. It's good enough.

Today was spent rescuing the last of my stuff, doing laundry and organizing the place so our stuff isn't EVERYWHERE like before.

I still haven't heard from my work yet. But I set up my phone so that all my messages are forwarded to the number up here. I've got to take the modem back to Cogeco tomorrow and cancel my service too. I think I might buy a few CD's while I'm there. You know, to ease the pain of all the work I've done. Marty gets off pretty easy. Yeah yeah, I know he's at work all day. He isn't even home yet as I write this. But he didn't have to deal with ANY of this apartment crap. I moved everything up and/or out, I organized the place and I and dealing with the landlord.

Tomorrow I also have to go to Mohawk to get papers for my family breakdown appeal with them that proves my parents SUCK and I'm doing everything alone. Soon now. Soon I'll be free of all this crap. It's just another....3 years :P

Anyways, that's it for now.

Out.

It's In Your Blood

Do you ever wonder some times about why things happen to you? Whether they're good or bad, do you still wonder, 'why me?'

Do you think about how things could have been or should have been? About how things would be if 'this' person had done 'that' or if 'that' person had said 'this'?

Some of us live our lives being fueled by our hatred for some one or something else, or thriving on the fact that we are victims. What if we were never victims? What if we had never learned to hate? Who would we be? Where would we be?

I've been thinking a lot lately about how my world would be if I didn't know the people I know now, or how I would react if I lost some of the people I have now. Would my identity be completely erased? Would I have to start all over at being who I want to be? Would I be able to do it? Or would I give up?

A lot of the time I think I would give up, or retreat into myself and shut out the world. I've gone through that before.

Sometimes I want to go back to when my family wasn't so complicated. And sometimes I wish for the death of my parents with all my heart. Sometimes I wish I had never contacted my father. Sometimes I wish I still lived with my mother.

And there are times when I wish I could just leave this place and go some where to reinvent myself. A place where I could start over, where neither of my parents could reach me, where no one else in my family could find me. Where I could escape from this life and start over.

A lot of people have feelings like this.

Sometimes, I think of the other life I could have lived. In this life, I'm living in BC and I don't have a boyfriend. Sometimes I'm living where I am now, but most often I'm in BC. I'm single and I'm working as a youth counselor in a high school. I have a little blue car and I live in a nice big apartment. I have a lot of friends and I do very well in my job. I have a dog named Eliot and I live alone in my big apartment. I don't talk to either of my parents and barely communicate with any one else in my family. In this life, I feel so happy. I feel so fulfilled.

Then I wake up to my reality. It's not all bad and most of the time I'm very happy. But there are bonds and chains that I wish I could be free of. The same things a lot of people want to be free of. Family bonds, the chains of expectations. The pain of your past and the angst of the present all mixed together.

Oh, how I want to escape these things. How I want to be done with the people who pull me down. How I wish I could be free to do what I wanted and when I wanted. To go where I pleased without having to worry about who I'm leaving behind and what people will think.

Then I wonder if I would ever feel lonely. I'm not good when I feel lonely. That feeling is the worst for me. It feels like part of me is being ripped apart and another part is being burned. Part of me goes crazy when I feel so very alone. It's a hell I don't like to tread into very often.

I am easily moved at times too. Music can move me to tears. I get so emotionally vested in the things I read and the things I watch that I get sad or I laugh. I try to purge myself of these things through my writing, but there are still times, in the dark of the night, when I will listen to certain songs and cry. Just to get those tears and those emotions out. Even if I'm not really sad about anything, but I just need to cry.

As you get older, you forget how to do that.

This'll Be The Day That I Die

I AM EMPLOYED.

FINALLY GODDAMNIT.

I got the job at H&M which is wicked ass. I love their clothes! So nice and inexpensive too. I go for training in August in Oakville which is cool. Means I get to drive! HA! I think Orientation will be in Toronto at the Eaton Centre. Not too sure yet. After orientation and stuff hopefully I can buy some clothes. I'll pay full price, I don't care! I just want clothes for my first few days.

Other than that, I know what was bugging Marty the other day. It was me. Apparently I'm too rude or whatever and I have to change or he's leaving. Some times I wonder if I WANT him to leave me. I've never really thought about it. I mean, I'm happy where I am in my life right now. I'm happy WITH him. I wonder what I would do if we really broke up. Hmmmm...

This is a short one today. I'm too busy rocking out to Classic Rock.

OUT, BITCHES.

I Just Act Before I Have A Chance

It's been an odd little bit.

Landed a second job interview for H&M, a clothing store opening up in Limeridge this fall. Hopefully I land the job to go along with it.

Went to Dover on Friday. I drove, which was fun. Dragged Rob there with me. Picked up some stuff from my grandparents. Since Rob was there, they didn't lecture me.

Saturday we watched the game at Joe Dawgs in Burlington and then went to party on James St because Portugal won. We're thinking that the finals are going to be Portugal and Germany, but we don't know.

After the game we went out to Rainer's cottage which was fun because I got to drive again. But Sunday, yesterday, something happened and I don't know what it is.

Marty came home from work in a rush, told me he WASN'T in a rush, showered, and then booked it out of the house. I didn't realize he was LEAVING. I thought maybe he was getting something from the car. But when he didn't come back after twenty minutes I saw that the car was gone. So I tried to call his cell phone to no avail.

He came home around ten and then basically went to bed without a word to me. I still don't know what's going on. He only spoke to me today to ask where something was and to tell me he was going to work. I don't know what's going on and I don't like it. I don't understand what's wrong.

So today I am going to spend in confusion. Sounds like fun.

Out.