I want to be the one to make myself insane

Well Christmas has come and gone. And man, what a Christmas. I think it was the worst one yet. But I'll talk about the fun stuff first, because that makes me feel better.

Marty and I went to his Omi's the night before Christmas and got spoiled. His sister and her husband gave me three shirts, two of which I would like to add are PINK lol. Omi gave me a scarf/glove/tuque set along with a mixing bowl with a spout, potpourri, candle holders, a porcelain fairy/angel doll which is really cute.

Then was Christmas day. Marty gave me a Sony Walkman Bean which is BLUE and a fog/humidifier lamp which is also blue but useless in a basement lol. But I'll put it up soon enough.....I hope.... Then he also put lots of candy and chocolate in my stocking.
At Grandma's my aunt gave me a book of art which depicts Fairies and Angels from the ages. Some pieces are from the 1700's. She also gave me a little Libra book. My grandparents gave me two sweaters, a little pewter pill box that I put my stud earrings in, lotion, bed socks, a teddy bear with my first initial embroidered on the scarf ( by my grandma of course! My cousin got one too. ) and in my stocking was lots and lots of goodies I can't even remember. My other aunt gave me 'Cinderella' because she's been buying me Disney DVD's for Christmas and my birthday for a long time now. I LOVE it! My cousin got me a shirt, body butter, BRIGHT NEON SOCKS and some perfume that smells like Peach Schnapps.

We all had a great time while grandma cooked the food. She had fallen down the stairs a few weeks before which left her with a very swollen ankle, but she hasn't heard about her x-rays yet, so I'm sure it can't be broken or she would have been notified.

My Dad called me Christmas Day and we both got mad that the package he had sent me in the mail hadn't arrived on time. I think I may get it on Tuesday this week.

While at my grandparents my mother showed up with my brother and her jack-ass boyfriend. Not cool. There was so much tension between everyone that it was unbearable. I ended up working myself into a panic and had to take a puff of my inhaler (yeah, I'm asthmatic. I ROCK) which didn't go over on my body well, probably because it had never had that type of inhaler inside it before.

My mom was a super bitch which totally killed my happy spirit. After she left I was harassed by my aunt and grandmother about forgiveness and that crap. I mean, I'm all for giving people another chance, but what are you supposed to do when there are NO MORE chances left for certain people? She's used them up. Every time I try to explain that, they all try to make me hug her and act like nothing's wrong. They tell me that they don't want that, but the things they say and the way they act show me they do. I'm so sick of it. It's pisses me off more than anything in the world.

Anyways, other than that, things are going well. I've been to the gym so far, not to work out yet. I'm not even going to TRY until after New Years. Apparently the Barbeque that Gareth has is EPIC and we're all going to eat our faces off.

Fun thing though is that T'Nasha is coming over tomorrow with Mark! YAY! I haven't decided if we're going to eat Chinese or Spaghetti. It all depends on my guests! That also means I have to get my ass in gear and finish her present!

Ta-ta for now! Finally, the pillow calls my name.

Fear will always make you blind

I recently got in contact with an old friend of mine from my younger years. Granted we only knew each other for two years, it was still a major part of my life and hers.

She's moved on so well since those days. She's married and happy; things I've always wished for her. I must admit I was a little surprised to find she had been looking for me. I've been spending these years trying to forget and she's been trying to remember. Well, she's found me now!

As I talked with her about one of our mutual friends and what has become of him, I realized something. He had never grown up and I had spent the 15 years we had known each other trying to save him. I think the biggest thing he ever taught me was that I can't save every one, no matter how much I might want to.

I wonder where this newfound friendship will lead us. She's told me that since I've missed her wedding, I've got to be there for the birth of her children lol.

Nothing can hurt us any more because we've been there, done that. We've both gone through hell and back since we last spoke and that has always been what makes us a special kind of friend.

But Christmas is coming! I have all my presents wrapped and put under my Christmas Wall. We don't have room for a tree, nor do we have one, so I put the stockings on the wall and I put the presents under them. It's quite interesting. My home-made present for T'Nasha is almost done. I've got some of the pieces out and together, it's just a matter of finishing the whole thing. I hope I get to see her this break. I think she might be able to come around on the 27th or 28th. We will have super-mega-happy-fun-times!!

Anyways, I've got to get going. Meeting up with the girls for lunch before work.

Cheers!

Lose Yourself to the Music, the Moment

The last few days have been kind of a blur. They all happened so fast and it feels like there are weeks between, but that's not the case.

Let's start with Friday. Friday I worked like a dog as usual and I ended up scoring the early shift so I was done by 6:30, a rare occurance and not going to happen again. I take the bus home because I'm so sure Marty won't be back from work yet and after fighting the cold I get to my nice warm apartment and I open the doors and who's there? Marty. He was all clean and relaxed. He turns to me and says: 'What are you doing here?' Then I had to explain I was done work and I had told him that in the morning that I was going to be done.

Anyways. I get dragged out to Burlington because the Boy's were having a Boy's Night so Julie, Gareth's girlfriend, kidnaps me and I ended up in a strip club in Brampton. It was interesting. It's more theatrical than anything. It was called The Foxxes Den and there's one here in the Hammer. Somehow I don't think I'll be going any time soon lol

I ended up spending the night at Julie's house and she drove me to Burlington the next day so that Gareth could drive me home because she had to work. I had fun times with Gareth. We went to look at a car he wanted to buy and I got to go with him for the test drive and stuff. I think all the people at the dealership thought I was his girlfriend lol We took the car to CT and I saw Marty which was nice since I hadn't seen him since I left with Julie the night before.

Gareth and I went back and he signed all his papers and stuff and he drove me home. I worked Moonlight Madness which was insane. But before work I called my grandmother and got into it with her. She really ticked me off too. But then I talked to T'Nasha online and she calmed me down and reminded me about how much I miss her. I miss her lots and lots but her Christmas present is almost done! We just have to work out a time to actually SEE eachother over break.

Apparently my mother and brother may be showing up to Christmas this year and I was ordered to get a gift for each of them. Well, needless to say, I'm not. There's no way I'm going to get gifts for people I don't care about.

Which reminds me about people I do care about. I still have to write my dad a letter and tell him what's going on on Christmas and where I'll be if he wants to call me and such.

I should get going. Work Christmas Party tonight and I still have to wrap my secret Santa gift. Then this will be interesting.

Afterwards, I'm going to come home, do laundry, and study my brains out. Two exams this week. Tuesday and Wednesday.

Let's GO!

All in all the day is done

Got a long shift ahead of me tonight. Means I'll get a break, not that I do much with them anyways.

Last time I bought some clothes for work because we all have to dress 'trendy' and those of you who know me, know I like to wear a certain pair of sweat pants and some kind of comfy shirt. Can't wear that at work!

Things have been going well. My rent is going up $15 because the land lord is putting in a washer and dryer. I don't mind at all! It's quite nice, knowing I'll be able to wash my clothes without having to venture out into the cold or walk down the street. The only thing I'm worried about is the noise of the dryer because the room they're putting everything in is right next to my closet and my living room. I'm a tad worried about where all the hot air from the dryer is going to go, but I'm sure they know what they're doing.

Got paid. That was nice. Put a huge chunk on my visa and come monday I'm going to pay my cell bill. With my next paycheque I can pay off my visa completely and start saving for rent for Jan. It'll be a nice paycheque and so will the next one since I'm working so much over Winter break. Kinda excited to work a lot and kind of tired just thinking about it.

But anyways, I have to get going. The bus only runs every half hour on the weekend and I don't want to be late for work!

Cheers!

Escape

I've been planning my escape for a while now.

I'm saving up so that I can fly over to Japan to visit my friend Kate while she's there teaching next year some time. It's going to cost a bit, so I'm starting now. I'm really excited and grateful that she's giving me this chance to do something I've wanted to for a while.

I had been thinking before of going there to teach myself and if I weren't dating Marty, there would be no question. I would be going. But I don't think I can go and leave him for so long like that.

But this is just the beginning of my escape. This will be taking place in the next year or so. Maybe year and a half. Not sure yet.

Either way, once I'm done college, I plan to go to British Columbia to live and work for a summer. I don't know if Marty will come with me for that long or not, but he did say he wanted to come to Japan with me, even though I don't really want him to. Japan is something I want to experience by myself. It's something special to me and seperate from him, you know?

I'd also like to live and work in New Brunswick for a year, so that I can be close to my dad again and learn about that side of my family.


My grandparents nor any one else in the family have any idea that I'm planning ANY of this. I know my grandmother would freak out if I told her I was saving up to fly to Japan and stay there for a week or something like that. She wouldn't like me going to British Columbia for a summer either. She wouldn't like a lot of things that I've been deciding and I know she doesn't.

She doesn't respect my decision to distance myself from my mother so that I don't lose control and possibly freak out and do something I would regret. I still have a lot of issues when it comes to her and it's really hard for me to stop thinking about the part of my past that involves her. I'm working on it though. I'm going to ask my counsellor next time I see him if he knows of any anger-management classes I could take some where. I need to control it.

That's about it for now. I've got to get going to my last Death and Dying class EVER and write my last test. Sit through my last boring lecture and then I'm off to work!

Cheers!

Here I Am Alone Again And I'm Talking To Myself.....Again

If I showed you something, if I let you in these walls and gave you a peek at the reality within, what would you say? Would you laugh? Scream in horror? Cry? Would you take my weaknesses and use them against me? Would you deny me your friendship? Would you reaffirm my fears and tell me it was never that way to begin with?

I am my own worst enemy. Have you said that to yourself too? Do you over analyze and think that every one is against you?

Are you as afraid as I am to tell some one that they mean a lot to you in case they think you're 'coming on too strong' or they don't actually value you on the same level?

Even when some one tells you that you mean a lot to them, do you think they're lying like I think?

Here I am conversing with myself in the middle of the night before a morning class and a long shift at work. Will any one else even read this? If they do, will they say anything? Most likely not and I don't write to get a response. I write to unleash; to allow the feelings and thoughts that bother me out of their cage so that they won't end up killing me in the end.

I can hear the clock ticking and the sound of my fingers typing away is almost deafening. What will I do after this? Will I try to go to sleep again or will I write my story?

Ah, my stories. Other avenues I escape on. Other ways for me to occupy myself so that I don't keep thinking of things that bother me.

Like now.

Things like my mother. Things like my grandparents lecturing me until I scream.

I'm supposed to forgive. I'm supposed to move on. I'm supposed to let go. I'm supposed to do a lot of things.

How can you forgive that? How can you just FORGET that those terrible things happened and the one that did them to you is coming back? That they're trying to make themselves a part of your life so that they can take credit for the places you've been and the things you've achieved? How can you move on from a stage in your life when there are those that serve to remind you of what happened? How can you keep giving chances to people only to have them throw it back in your face as they stab you in your heart?

How do you deal with those who are supposed to protect you, yet instead they poison you, betray you and kill you with everything they say and do? How can you get over that? How much support are you going to need?

Why do I keep taking? Why do I keep needing support from others? Can't I help myself?

Honestly, I'm better at helping other people than I am at helping myself. That's why I want to be a youth counsellor; so that I can help the young people of today and tomorrow with the experience from yesterday. So I can show them and tell them my mistakes so that they can learn and make better choices. So they can live the lives we were meant to have.

Your life was miserable too. You've had your share of woe and pain. You have an understanding of mine. Neither of us has been through the same thing, but it's close enough that we can share. That we can both help each other live on.

How many years until we stop seeing each other? How much longer before our lives take us to different places and we drift away? Can I really call you 'forever friend'? Can you call me that?

'All good things must come to an end' some one once said. It's true. I've had many good things come to an end. Many.

If I told you to stay away, would you listen? If I told you I would only bring you pain, would you care? If I told you I was poison to all around me, would you flee?

I don't want to see you any more. You mean nothing to me, yet you keep trying to come back. You are a demon of my past and I don't want to keep exorcizing you. The pain you inflict is terrible, it hurts more than anything I've ever known. You can't just come back and think everything is fine because it suits you. You can't try and take the credit for all the things I've accomplished because you want to make yourself look good. Can you recall one single, solitary thing that you have done to get me here other than giving birth to me? You raised me because it was your job. If you could have gotten out of it, you would have.

YOU HAVE NO GODDAMN RIGHT to come waltzing back in like you own the place. You have NO RIGHT to act as if everything I've achieved is because of you, or that I owe you anything.

I owe you nothing.

There's still so much pain. So much angst and hurt. So many emotions that you keep stirring up.

If I have to forsake everything to be rid of you, do I have the strength to do it? Do I have the heart? The power? Can I?

I don't want to.

I'm afraid to.

Don't make me choose.

Because if I choose to leave, I'm never coming back.

Ever.