You Remind Me of The Times When I Knew Who I Was

When I'm lonely and feeling sad, I don't really know what to do with myself. I sit here at this computer and I type something that has little meaning to any one other than myself. I throw myself into the stories I write or I watch certain shows over and over until I still cry at all the emotional parts even though I know what' s coming.

I don't feel particularly close to any one except one person. And it's an odd closeness I guess you could say. I can't even remember how or why we started being friends. We don't talk that often but then when we do, I know she'll listen if I need her to. I know she'll scold me and tell me I'm being stupid if I need her to. I know she'll be happy for me if I need her to. I've stopped worrying as to whether she feels the same because that's how I feel. I try to be there for her and she knows it. She knows she can talk to me about anything she wants, no matter how painful it is and I will listen.

Still there are times when I feel like I can't talk to any one. There are times when I'm so overwhelmed by the fake concern of others that I want to scream at them all. But I can't do that. To them, it's genuine. To me, it's fake. I can't tell them that their emotions aren't real to me.

Most often I'm swept away by my own self-doubt and I drown in my own created misery. It's a hard rut to break out of. Lord is it hard. There is so much I should be happy for, grateful for. So much that I should appreciate but I keep focusing on my problems. I have to stop that. I have to get over it. Focus on the good....

Maybe some day I can be the kind of person people are proud to call their friend. Perhaps some day I can be the kind of person that makes other people smile, that helps them with their problems and listens to their woes.

I hope. I pray. I wish.

I can.

Jaded

I didn't really go to school at all this past week. I haven't been online much either.

No particular reason. I just needed a break. I only went to the classes that had something due and that was it. I didn't even stay for the entirety of one of them anyways.

I learned actually going to my Shakespeare class with it's current professor is a waste of time. She does nothing worth listening to. All she does is talk about what happens in the play without any elaboration. I've read the plays. I know what's going on. I thought she was just like that for one of the ones we've read, but it turns out she's like that for all of them. I'm hoping the new prof we get next term won't be so bad.

I only have 4 exams which is nice. I have a test this coming Friday and work is going well.

Since I wasn't around for about a week I got a few e-mails from concerned friends, freaking out. I think they can't have been all that concerned because not once did any of them pick up the phone. I don't care or anything, I just think it's weird that they only e-mailed me after I sent them a forwarded message from my e-mail I thought was cool. Only then did I get concerned e-mails in return.

Whatever. No skin off my nose.

I've got to get going to work any how.

Cheers.

The Ususpecting Victim

Well! Am I ever glad that Marty went back to Canadian Tire, or CT as the 'Crew' likes to call it.

Went to the Christmas party last night. Man. There was food, dancing, all the women got presents, it was crazy!

It was Marty, Me, Julie, Gareth R. , Cassandra, Gareth J. , Rich and Tish. We all got to sit at a table together which was pretty swank. Gareth R got a tad drunk out of his mind and it was fun to watch.

I was a little drunk around dinner time. I had had two glasses of wine at Gareth R's, a vodka and sprite at the hall, and a glass of red wine before dinner, AND I hadn't drank much all day....I was a cheap date.

"Hello. My name is Cheap Date....."

Cassandra made me dance all night and my feet were killing me by the end of the night. Like, burning and such. Julie felt my pain.

Cassandra took loads of pictures. I hope I get to get some copies. I could even borrow them and scan them to my comp and then print them out on the photo paper I still have from a present I made for my dad.

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I've been writing this essay for one of my classes and I just can't get into it. I'm about 500 words short right now. It's not due until this coming Wednesday, so maybe I can fix it up before then. That means I have to actually go to my Shakespeare class....I'm going tomorrow for sure because I have a doctor's appointment right after so that will make me stay for the whole thing and then Wed I have to hand in the essay so I will go and stay once more.

There are two movies I am dying to see. One would be: "Memoirs of a Geisha" and "Rent".

I REALLY wanna see "Rent" because I always wanted to see it on stage, but I never got the chance. So hopefully the movie is as good as it looks.

That's about it for now. I am once again foodless in my apartment but I have clementines, so I'm going to eat like, fifty right.....now.

Winter Wonderland

Work yesterday was partially horrible.

When I got there, the fire alarm was going off and we had to evacuate the entire mall. Yeah, fun times.

Then it seemed alright. I was trying to ring in a purchase for myself and when I went to make a comment I hit the wrong buttons and the screen went retarded. So Mariana and I just tried to close it and open it again and the program wouldn't let us log in. We called our manager, we called the emergency girl in Alberta but her phone was off. Then we called Head Office which you only do under EXTREME emergencies, but there wasn't any one there. So we were kinda flipping out and had to do some purchases by hand. Then we restarted the computer and it was fine.

THEN, oh no folks. I'm not done yet! Then this man and his son wanted to buy a necklace and earrings for the boys mother for Christmas and as I was walking over to the cash register to do it all up, the fire alarm started going off again. It goes off slow which is like a warning and once it goes fast, we have to evacuate. So it was going slow and I was trying to ring in this purchase as fast as possible so that in the event we had to evacuate they could just leave. BUT when I was entering the extended comment about the exchange dates, it decided to delete one of the purchases so I had to reenter it and then redo the comment. I could tell the dad wasn't too pleased but I apologized like crazy anyways.

So that was my day at work. Then Marty picks me up and tells me we can't go to my grandparents today because he decided to work and they aren't going to be home now until Wednesday because they're going on a coach trip with their Anglo-Indian group and they leave on Sunday. Yay.....I don't get to see my grandma for like, ever. Not fun.

Anyways, I should throw some clothes on so I can meander over to the laundromat and wash my clothes. I'm going to work on my essay while I'm there I think.

Should be fun I guess.

The Tick Tock of the Clock is Painful

Poorness has washed over me like dirty water in the Erie Lake. It sucks, it stinks and I don't like it.

But it will get better. This Friday I'm supposed to be getting paid by at least one of the two jobs that owe me. It's just a little, but it will help with my Visa bill.

I'm finished Christmas shopping for the following people: My cousin Tash, both my aunts and Marty's sister. I have my grandparents, my cousins, Marty and T'Nasha. I'm making T'Nasha's so I work on it whenever I can.

I also finished applying to College yesterday. It cost quite a bit. But it's done and now all I have to do is wait and see if I'm going to get accepted. I don't see why I won't, it's Mohawk after all, but still. They may not want me.

I'm stuffed up to all hell right now, my eyes hurt and my chest/breathing is pissing me off. This better get fixed. I have a breathing test on Dec 5th. Yay.

My work is having a potluck on Dec 4th. I'm making Cremé De Mente Cheesecake. It has liquer in it. Mwahahahaha. That should be intersting to try and MAKE no doubt. If I screw it up, I'll cry.

I think I'm going to take an allergy pill, my stupid inhaler and eat something now.

Cheers.

Letting Out The Noise Inside of Me

Oh god. I am so screwed.

I haven't been to some of my classes in weeks. I don't care to get up and go. I don't want to go. I'm so sick of it all. It seems like such bullshit. Sometimes I just want to quit and work until I go to Mohawk. But then I think about what a waste that would be. I'm so close so close to getting my BA. I will stick it out, but I'm so tired.

Work was interesting tonight. I worked with Sophia whom I will now refer to as Dex from now on as she has an OBSESSION with Windex. Yes, Windex. I'm serious. She cleans everything up before I blink and I don't even do a thing! It makes me feel kinda useless, but it's not like she's complaining that I'm not helping. Some times I have to DEMAND that she leave some parts of it for me.

Two funny stories. Well, a mention and a story. The mention is this HOT guy that came in tonight. I'm talking dead sexy. Turns out he's a firefighter and is in a calendar. He's got a nice smile and from what I could see, a nice body. Dex says she met him through work, which is weird. He was a nice guy though.

Story. Dex and I were closing up when these two guys come in. They're walking around and looking at the stuff that's on sale. We're having a huge ass sale right now. Then they start chatting with us and I'm being all friendly and such as normal. Turns out 0ne just graduated from MAC in Engineering and the other currently attends. They asked Dex and I what we're up to and the one just got new glasses and a blazer, his friend made him put on a fashion show for us, which was kinda funny. Then they introduce themselves as Greg and Daniel, shake our hands and chat it up a bit then leave, cuz I had to shut the doors and they weren't buying anything.

So Dex and I are like, 'What the hell? That was interesting' and we continued to close up. THEN, yes people, there's more, there's a knock on the door and it's those boys. We both say hello again and then the guys asked us where is a good place to go for a drink and if Dex and I are available. I was like, 'I'm not sure around here, but we're not available anyways' Then Dex told them our boyfriends might get mad if we go out with strange other men. They said it was worth a shot. They took the rejection like champs and the one, Greg, said he was going to wave if he saw me on campus. I told him I would try and remember who he was.

That was THE MOST fun I've had at work. I felt flattered too.

Back to the whole school mess, I feel so screwed. I mean, it's not that I don't give a rat's ass about my education or anything like that but....I just want to get it over with. I'm overloading this year which means I'm taking 6 classes a term instead of the customary 5 and it's killing me. I can't wait for Christmas break. I don't understand how we get a reading week in Feb, but nothing in 1st term. So tired.

Well, I've got to study for a test tomorrow and write an essay before I even THINK about going to sleep. Marty's already snoring his head off and that's a whole other topic I don't want to touch right now.

Cheers.

Why Ketchup and I don't Mix

I went out for dinner/lunch with my girlfriends last Friday. I have this obsession with trying the chicken fingers wherever I go because I really like them and once I find the place that has the best, I'll eat there all the time.

So we go to this pub in Westdale, Tap Haüs. I order the chicken fingers and after a while the girl comes out to tell me there's no plum sauce, but I don't care anyways. I just have ketchup.

So while we're waiting for food we all have a nice bitch out session and I talk about my new job, which I was dressed for, because I had to work that night.

Food comes and the waitress brings two ketchup bottles. Mandeep takes one I take the other. The ketchup in my bottle is all at the bottom so I turned it upside down and shook it so I could get it out.

Well.

As soon as I open the bottle we all hear this dull "Foom" sound. Next thing I know, I've got ketchup on my face, glasses, neck, chest, legs. Kate is sitting across from me and it gets on her and the wall. It's on the chair to my left and Steph's arm to my right. There was ketchup EVERYWHERE!

So, I'm sitting there like, WTF and the waitress brings over some napkins. NAPKINS. I went to the bathroom to clean up as much as possible. Ate my food which was hella good, and then when the bill comes, I'm fully charged for my meal. I mean, they didn't even give me my drink for free or nothing. And there's a little note from the waitress apologizing for the ketchup. She told me that sometimes when they fill up the bottles, the ketchup gets under pressure and it blows up like that. I've also heard that ketchup only explodes when it's RANCID, but what do I know?


So that was my lovely Friday. I had to run home and wash my hair in the sink because I didn't have time to take another shower and put stain remover on my clothes as fast as possible. Greeeeeeat.

Have fun with that! I kinda wish there was a picture because it is funny as hell, but still man, now I have to boycot Tap Haüs because they did that. *sigh*

I'll get over it.

OOOOOOO.....SHINY

Well, I've started my new job in the mall this past week.

I work in a jewelry store which is soooo nice. Tad expensive, but that's because everything is real silver, cubic zirconia, amythest, blue topaz, mother of pearl, fresh water pearl, garnet or peridot. And amber. And diamonds. And probably some other things I'm forgetting. It's so nice in that store. The people I work with don't act like stupid high school kids, which is nice.

I just started training. It's not hard. Just a lot of stuff to remember. Like where all the gems come from, what grade our diamonds are etc etc etc.

It's been a long time since I talked to some of my friends. We're all spread out all over the place and it's hard for us all to get together.

Marty has been job hopping. He's trying to figure out where the best place for him to work right now is. He's going to be opening his own shop in about a year from now.

So all you hammer people, take your car to Marty's Garage! There. That was my business plug.

The creativity still hasn't come back. Kinda annoying, but I don't really have time anyways I guess. Meh.

I have a test next week that I should study for. Haven't gone to the class all week.....maybe I should get on that.

I just don't seem to care this year. I don't give a shit about how I do. I just want to graduate and get going....bah.