Will you sing a requiem for me?

It's been a long time since I wrote in here but the thoughts haven't stopped.

Every now and then I fall into this....silence. It's not quite depression but it's akin to it. While I'm in this state I try to validate my existence. I try to think about why I'm here, about what I've been doing and if any one cares.

During this time I think about my past and the thoughts that I used to have. The ones where I wondered if it would have been better had I never existed in the first place. Then there wouldn't be so much pain. I wouldn't have so much pain. Neither would my mother, father, brother, grandparents....the list goes on....

I'm not as obsessed with those thoughts as I used to be. Now it's another breed entirely.

I'm struggling. Struggling to identify myself and to see if I can really live in the 'real' world. I'm so close to graduation and I'm so close to being an 'adult' that it scares me more than anything else in this world. Can I function in this type of world? Is there a place for me? The things I want to do, see, and achieve, are they even possible?

Ah. I'm so tired. My head hurts. It hurts all the time. My hands and feet are cold even though I'm wearing slippers and the heat is all the way up. My hands are always cold. It's because I'm the ice queen.

Now I'm scattered all over the place. This won't do. This won't do at all.

Perhaps now is the time to turn my attention to the ever growing mound of school work.

Perhaps.

I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd

I got to see T'Nasha over the Winter Break. It was fun. We only got to see each other for a little bit, and it makes me miss her hardcore now that I don't know when I'll see her again, but I was happy.

I was happy that I could see her and Mark and get to know Mark a bit better and to see how happy she is makes me smile. I can see it in her eyes and I can sense it when she talks about him. She may have broken promises to herself, but I think, in the long run, this time will be better. Or I will have to take action. We don't want that lol

Going out for lunch today with Angela and last week with Mandeep and Steph reminds me that I can relax, enjoy my life and be happy. That it's ok for things to be going well for me. That it's ok that I'm doing fair in school. That it's ok to sing random song lyrics outside in public, causing some people to cross the sidewalk so they don't come near me and make my friend's faces turn red.

I've lived for so long with this burden, this thought that I had to be miserable. That I'm useless etc etc etc. I am not. If I'm miserable, it's because I keep thinking about what makes me unhappy and that NEVER helps. I can be happy. I can live without the fear that I'm going to screw up.

I refuse. I refuse to let these stupid memories and thoughts drag me down.

I'm glad that I have friends who remind me of that.

I need to make a lunch date with Kate. We need to discuss tattoo stuff, she's STILL got a DVD of mine lol AND the fact that I haven't seen her since BEFORE Winter Break. It's madness I tell you.

Mandeep, Kate and I are all graduating this year. We're all going on to bigger and better things, taking that next step to becoming functional adults (am I functional? Would I EVER be functional? I think that would be scary)

Either way, we're moving on and moving out!

Catch you on the flip side.

The Lights are on but there's No One home

It's been a while.

I quit my job because my manager is basically a theif and I don't want to be mixed up in that. There's that and the fact that I was only working one night a week anyhow. Friday nights from 5-9. That's it. That's barely a paycheque of $120 by the end of the month. Can't pay bills with that.

Things have been going well. Classes have started up this term and I've already replaced one. Most of my classes are at 8:30 am and the latest I'm done is 1:30. Tuesday I have a night class so that day of the week doesn't count.

Meeting up with Angela for lunch today. Should prove to be fun. I haven't seen her since before Winter Break.

I went to the gym yesterday for an hour. Fun fun. Thursday is Tae Kwon Do, and I think I might go. It depends.

I'm getting my hair permed on Thursday. It should look nice. Just a loose one. I don't want to look like a poodle.

That's it for now. Gotta jump in the shower.

Cheers.