I'm Alright, I'm Gonna Make It, Even if I Have to Fake It

So this past saturday was my cousin's engagement party.

I thought it went well. I forgot to get a card and since I can't drive yet, I couldn't go get the present I wanted to. So we came empty handed. I felt bad, but what can I do? It's not like I'm loaded.

Well.

Apparently some one told my cousin that I was saying rude things to her. So instead of CALLING me and finding out, she texts me and of course, I can't tell emotions via text, so I ended up getting hysterical. Yes people. I had an emotional breakdown yesterday. Then she gets on my case for not bringing a card. I called my grandma to find out what the hell was going on and SHE gets on my case too about not bringing a card. So I flipped.

I when balistic on my grandmother. Poor woman. But she was there and it's not like she's all innocent either. Half the time when I talk to her, she makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Unconsciously she compares me to my cousins and then I get the lecture about my mother.

I'm starting to hate families. They're so suffocating, like their hands are constantly around my neck and squeezing as hard as they can. I know they don't mean to be that way, but they are. Some times I wish both my parents were dead and I lived far away so that I wouldn't have to put up with this crap any more. My family seriously sucks. Yes, they're there for me when I need them, and I try to be there for them when I can, but I'm always feeling like I'm not good enough. Why can't I be good enough the way I am? Apparently my family isn't criticizing me as much as I think they are. But whatever.

I can't believe that my cousin would believe that I would say something rude about her. I've lived my life with her as a goal; she's beautiful, successful, intelligent. Everything I've been taught to be and been compared against. Yes, there have been times when I've been jealous of her, but that was years ago. I'm nothing like her. Nothing at all. Maybe it's better that way.

I don't want to be like the people in my family but I am. I can't escape what's in my blood from both sides. I hate it. I hate it all and I don't want to be a part of it. I don't want to have all these expectations thrown on me like this. Stop pressuring me.

As for Marty, apparently I'm his keeper. He said something at the party that was rude, I suppose. I don't know. It's not like I'm with him every second of every day. We're just dating. But apparently we're freakin married the way people talk. I hate that too. If some one has a problem with something he said, take it up with him. Don't talk to me and tell me to talk to him about it. Talk to HIM. He's a big boy. I'm sure he can take it.

And after I got off the phone with my grandmother and being all hysterical, he was asleep. That kind of pissed me off. He couldn't even stay awake long enough to make sure I was ok. What the hell is that?

Whatever. If it's going to be me against the world, FINE. I can do that. I don't want help or pity or presents or money or whatever. I'm sick of this. Since my grandparents cosigned on a credit line for me, it's like they own me. They're constantly breathing down my neck about money. Trust me, if I could do it without their signatures, I would. If I get OSAP next year, I won't need them. It will be me.

Other news, I have my assessment at College this wednesday. I have a job interview tomorrow. Hopefully good things will come of both.

Out.

Life's Like and Hourglass Glued to the Table

Today is my cousin's engagement party!

I'm a little excited because it means I get to dress up nice and stuff. But I can't help but be a little nervous because of the people that are going to be there. Both my mother and my brother will be in attendance. It's a little nerve wracking because I don't want anything to spoil this day for my cousin. I know she's been agonizing over everything: trying to make sure it's all perfect. That and I know some of my family haven't been giving her the easiest time. But I know it will be great. I for one will not start anything. And if anything with me is tried, I will walk away. I don't want anything to ruin this for her. It wouldn't be fair.

On another note, I got a mark back on my paper that I wrote for my summer class that I barely go to and I got 44.5/50! That's really great seeing as this paper was worth fourty percent of my final mark! The next paper is worth fifty percent of my final mark and I know I'm going to kill that one. Sociology is more fun than I remember.

More good news. I have a job interview, that's the sixth for this month, next week for H&M that's opening up in the mall in the fall. Hopefully it goes well and they're all like : "PLEASE WORK FOR US!!!" :P I can dream, can't I?

And last but not least, I am just about done my latest 'novel'. It's taken me almost a year to write it and I'm at the closing chapter now. You know, the chapter that wraps everything up into a nice little package. At the moment there's over two hundred and fifty pages. Once the chapter is done, who knows? I could make a long one.

But now my stomach cries for attention and I must pay it or face the consequences!

Toooooodles!

Father Of Mine

Fifteen years ago my parents got a divorce.

Four years ago this coming Christmas I contacted my father for the first time in almost ten years.

Last year this past May, my father remarried.


My father lives in New Brunswick. He has lived there since I was ten years old. I'll be twenty-three this year. I've seen him once since he moved out there. I went to his wedding last year.

I now have two step-brothers and two-step sisters. One step-brother and one step-sister live with my father and his new wife. They're a nice little family. I was shocked to see it though. When I went there, the little girl was the same age I was when my parents divorced. The little boy reminds me so much of my younger brother when he was young and innocent.

For years after he left, I hated my father. Ask any child of divorced parents when one leaves and they will tell you that they probably hate that parent. It took me a long time to not hate my father. I grew up in a hard home with a difficult life. A lot of people out there know what I mean, whether they had parents or not.

Four years ago this October I stopped speaking to my mother.

It will be a year this October when I stopped speaking to my brother.

It feels like I don't have a family. Do you know what I mean? It's true that I have wonderful grandparents who have been there for me and wonderful aunts that have done what they can for me. But still, I dread family occassions.

I have a big mouth. This mouth tends to get me into trouble. Along with this mouth I have this personality that demands me to speak my mind and be honest, even if it takes me a while to get there. This causes problems. At family get togethers, I usually end up crying.

I'm doubting that this father's day will be any different. There will be lectures. I will most likely be the only grandchild there. I will be told to hurry up and get a job; hurry up and be done with school; hurry up and stop asking for help with money. It's not that I ask for ACTUAL money. My grandparents are co-signers for a credit line. Recently I applied for an extension. Needless to say, it didn't go over well.

I don't get support from my parents. Either of them. I called my father for father's day not that long ago since I won't get a chance to tomorrow. He wasn't home. In my mind's eye I could picture him out with his new family and I feel like I should back away. That I should step out of that family because I don't belong there. When I go to that house it's like going back in time. Back to when I lived in a house with a mother, a father and a younger brother.

I don't want to be a burden any more. I don't want to feel like I'm just getting in the way. I feel like the piece to a different puzzle sometimes. Not all the time. I do have happy family memories.

Isolation is not foreign to me. I isolate myself all the time. I'm finishing up University and I'll be attending College this fall. I have a handful of friends to show for it. High school I had none.

Tomorrow is Father's Day. I will go to my grandparents house. I will sit in church. I will return to my grandparents house and sit somewhere in that house. I will be lectured. A bit. I will eat. I will spend the night. Monday I will go with my grandparents to the bank to get the extension on my credit line. I will get lectured. I will come home to my empty basement apartment. I will look frantically for employment.

This will be my life for the next few days. There are no parents involved. There are no words of encouragement involved. There is no sympathy or empathy. There is no kind voice of congradulations.

This is my life.

Love Can Help Me Know My Name

Things have been going rather smoothly for once.

This Wednesday I have my second interview for Winner's in Burlington. I hope I get that job. I also got my G2 last week which makes me happy. I just can't drive because I don't have insurance and Marty won't put me on the insurance until I get a job. It sucks, but what can you do?

I'm heavily in debt still because of that stupid job I had at the beginning of the summer. I can't believe I bought so much stuff for working there and I was just laid off! Grrrr.

T'Nasha called me the other day, so I was happy. I miss her. I was so happy to have my G2 because that meant I could go visit her and stuff, but not yet I'm afraid.

My cousin has her engagement party this month. It's on the 24th, so that will be interesting. Apparently my mother is coming.

Father's Day is coming up and I don't really know what to do. Do I call my father? Don't I?

I don't know if I should because he's got his own little family now. I mean, I know he's been talking to me and everything for a bit now, but how long is that going to last? He has a tendancy to ignore things after the novelty has worn off.

But yeah. That's about it for now. I have to shower and eat some thing before my stomach goes on strike.

When There's Nothing Left to Burn You Have to Set Yourself on Fire

It's been a while eh?

I got my monitor back yesterday. Now the colours go all gay every now and then which sucks when I'm watching an anime episode on the computer because then the reds look grey and suck. It doesn't stay for a long time usually.

Still out of work. I've got a few places to call on Monday and mayeb some of them will pan out. I had a job interview at La Senza last week which I thought went really well, but apparently I didn't get it because I would have heard by now. I went in for a prehiring survey thing at Garage Clothing last week. I'm going to call them on Monday.

Had a fun day with Julie on Thursday. She wasn't working and both the boys were so we decided to hang out. It was fun. Compared to her though, I talk a LOT. I suppose it's that way if you compare me to a lot of people however.

Now that I have my computer back I can get back to writing my story! I've been thinking of all these descriptive passages and such while I didn't have the computer. I wrote a couple little back ground stories too on some of the characters. These stories won't appear in this novel I think though.

I suppose I'm going to eat breakfast and get in the shower before writing. I like to be comfortable.

Bye for now.